The Dance of Anger part deux

Harriet: "If feeling anger signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it. Venting anger may serve to maintain, and even rigidify, the old rules and patterns in a relationship, thus ensuring that change does not occur." (pg. 4)

Jacquie: Ever just ranted and raved at your mate, or good friend and felt "better" after? But did anything relationally really change from your venting?

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Harriet: "Nothing, but nothing, will block the awareness of anger so effectively as guilt and self-doubt. Our society cultivates guilt feelings in women such that many of us still feel guilty if we are anything less than an emotional service station to others." (pg.7)

Jacquie: Do you agree guilt and women/mothers go hand in hand?

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Harriet: "Those of us who fight ineffectively are usually caught up in unsuccessful efforts to change a person who does not want to change. When our attempts to change the other person's beliefs, feelings, reactions, or behaviors do not work, we may then continue to do more of the same, reacting in predictable, patterned ways that only escalate the very problems we complain about. We may be so driven by emotionality that we do not reflect on our options for behaving differently or even believe that new options are possible. thus, our fighting protects the old familiar patterns in our relationships..." (pg.9)

Jacquie: OOOhhh. So guilty here, the nagging, the blaming, the crying and stomping. Many years I have tried to change Bob, and he so far has never changed because I thought he should. And it turns out, all my "reactions" drove us further away from change.

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Harriet: "Our anger can be a powerful vehicle for personal growth and change if it does nothing more than help us recognize that we are not yet clear about something and that it is our job to keep struggling with it." (pg.107)

Jacquie: When I feel myself getting angry, these are good times for me to say to myself, "what am I really angry about here?" "Is there something I, (not someone else) could change in this situation?"

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Harriet: "Countermoves are the other person's unconscious attempt to restore a relationship to its prior balance or equilibrium, when anxiety about separateness and change gets too high...Our job is to keep clear about our own position in the face of a countermove - not to prevent it from happening or to tell the other person that he or she should not be reacting that way." (pg.35)

Jacquie: A wise woman told me this week, you can only be responsible for what you are responsible for. I have seen in Bob's and my relationship, his attempt to escalate an argument, when I won't fall into our old pattern of fighting. (I'm not bragging, I've got a long way to go, I'll be honest.) I can be responsible for my end of the fighting, to not blame, nag, and speak in "you" messages. I can express my feelings (NOT TO CHANGE HIS, but to clarify my position), I can ask to regroup myself so we can talk later when it's not so heated...and in the end, if they freak out, or play the martyr, I can't be held responsible for his reaction.

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Harriet: "Even if we are convinced that the other person is ninety-seven percent to blame, we are still in control of changing our own three percent." (pg.56)

Jacquie: Need I say more?

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Harriet: "But we know that this interaction [of blaming] is really a circular dance in which the behavior of one partner maintains and provokes the behavior of the other. The circular dance has no beginning and no end. In the final analysis, it matters little who started it. The question of greater significance is: 'How do we break out of it?'" (pg.?)

Jacquie: I think Harriet said if one person changes the step in the dance, the same dance can't continue...praise God, there's hope!

Ok, folks, I'm not sure I'm back...so I'm leaving you with these tasty tidbits. If you're interested, she's also written a book called The Mother Dance. If I had ninja stars, I'd give them, but I think I'd like to finish these books first...and like I said, I have a hard time finishing books!!

Yes, another guest blogger

I'm afraid I'm doing the equivalent to "cutting someone off" on the road, except on Mark's blog, sorry if I'm cutting in Terry, I'm guessing because of the weather you've been unable to post...hence, why I'm here!!



Anyways, I'm Jacquie. Mark and I met at Briercrest in 1993, I fell in love with his mom and dad and became an "adopted" daughter I guess. Jobina and I enjoy coffee together when we can, and I let her hold my babies so she can get her baby fix in! :o) What a privilege it has been to know them. I've been married for 13 years (incredible...days we thought we'd never make it past 1, or2, or3 years...we are passionate disagreeers sometimes), I'm the mother of 4 children (also incredible...I actually apparently wanted 6 growing up, but we have successfully stopped at 4.) Their ages are 7, 4, 2 years and 5 months. I'm currently on a maternity leave from one of the most fulfilling jobs I've ever known, a labor and delivery nurse at St. Boniface Hospital in Winnipeg, MB. I've been sucked in by the whole "card making" business, and the honest truth is I love it, but am weary of being called "crafty." I don't craft, I make cards, Ok? Is that enough introduction to build some credibility to post here????? I guess Mark will let me know!



Unlike Mark, I am not an avid book reader, I got through all of high school without reading an entire book in English class. I remember finding out in the middle of a test that a character had died in the book I didn't finish. I think I got better through Bible college, I managed to get through most of the Bible, but failed miserably through the Pentateuch...I think Leviticus did me in. And having children, well, 4 of them, is not very conducive to lengthy reading. But something caught my attention this maternity leave, I'll leave you to put two and two together, but the name of the book is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.



She prefaces the book right at the start to say that this book isn't meant to be a technical explanation of why women find themselves angry, or for that matter why we should find ourselves occasionally angry. She states that this book is meant for easy reading, and a practical guide to "changing the patterns of intimate relationships." Although she is pretty clear that the changes aren't easy, I know for myself, they have required a lot of self-reflection. Lerner also says that the relationships around you may be consciously or subconsciously against you making changes to your part of the "dance." Even in the crappiest of relationships there lies a resistance to change, despite the obvious need for it.



I find myself angry a lot of the time, this is my main mode of emotion I operate out of, and I've found that anger is more common among young mothers than I would have first guessed. I am in no way a hardcore feminist, but there are "dances" society encourages women to do, or to be, inside of our intimate relationships, that lend to some of this anger, and I am starting to notice. After being at home for a few months of maternity leave, I have found myself yelling at my kids, blaming my husband, and falling into the "irrational" stereotype that women sometimes have hanging over them. I realized this had to stop, and I was the only one in this moment to make it stop. "Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others." (Lerner, pg.102)

Mothers are classic at being an expert on others don't you think? I'm so busy looking after kids, laundry, food, house, that sometimes I wonder, who am I outside of all these things? I know for instance, that Eliot doesn't like crust on his sandwich, Calvin doesn't like mushrooms, Tessa needs to be cozied before bed and Sam needs something soft close to his face before falling asleep. Sometimes, we mothers, let ourselves go, because everyone around us is much louder and more demanding. And I believe, the louder everyone else gets, the more angrier we can become on the inside, and the more resentful we can become thus leading soon to an "eruption" of anger on whomever is on this life journey with or near us.



So, if this is resonating with any of you, I'll share some more stuff I've been reading tomorrow. But if you think it's all a load of feminist BS, then you can let me know too and I'll keep this life change for myself!! :o) I'm ok with that by the way!

Guest Bloggin

Good day!

Mark asked me to be his 'guest blogger' for a couple days. Having never attempted something like this before, I decided it was time to try. I would have posted yesterday, but the winter weather we're getting here knocked out my wireless ISP.

So a little intro for those who don't know who I am, I'm a friend of Mark's from his distant past. I got to know him a little in high school, and we attended the same church for some time. Even though I am 3 years younger than he, we hung in the same group in high school. OK well maybe it was more like the grade 12s tolerating my grade 9 presence, not sure. But it worked for me...

Later on, Mark and I worked at Camp Arnes (where I basically grew up from 89-95), after which he went off the Briercrest... which is where I went to elementary school back in 1987. I always find it very interesting to see that he is connected with several people that I was connected to, albeit many years earlier.

Anyways, enough reminiscence. About me.... married for almost 3 years, live near Niverville (hopefully not a flood zone!) in the country. Claim to fame? Well, Sabrina and I got married, bought a house, got a dog, and got pregnant in the first 30 days of our marriage. Since then, it hasn't slowed down terribly much, and it feels like we are just finally settling into our life here. Just before that happened though, we decided to get pregnant again, and are expecting our second child in August.



I work at Motor Coach Industries in Winnipeg, and have spent the majority of my life after high school working in business, usually in purchasing and manufacturing. Spent some time in college getting my Business Admin diploma.

There ya go. For those who didn't know me, now you kinda do. For those who know me, but haven't heard from me in ages, thats the 25 cent tour of my life.

So some of the things I find intriguing about Mark's blog include the Financial aspects, as well as the spiritual. I find I'm not terribly good at the spiritual stuff, but the financial stuff I'm OK at. Something to work on I suppose.

Anyways, thats all for now. Hopefully my internet stays up so I can post something more interesting tomorrow!


Terry in Niverville.

PS the pic is of my 2yr old daughter Samara. She looks peaceful in the pic, but it was quite the experience getting her to 'pose' for the camera. :)

Church Membership?

Do we actually know why we become members of a certain church? Is it really necessary? I have never personally done it myself and believe allot of people do it just because it is the thing to do and don't think about why. I was asked once at a church I had been attending to become a member. I declined the offer and was asked why so. This church like most had a rather large statement of faith with about a dozen points if i remember right. I said that i didn't agree with all of the statements. This person told me just to forget about those points as long as I agreed with most of them. What a turn off for me.

I have had many discussions with people who made points to try to convince me that membership was good and why it had a place. One was "To get people to be more involved in the church". Tell me how participating in a weird ceremony and having your name on a register causes you to become more involved. I know many "adherents" {as we non members that attend regularly are called} that are far more into the church than most members. Another point was "so you can vote on issues and that it would keep bad people from influencing the church in a bad way". If a few people have an idea that the majority done agree with or like it won't matter because they are a majority. Also if too many are on their side they could just branch off and start another church{sarcasm in case you didn't catch it. Like we need to start more branched off churches}One more argument for membership was that " It keeps people accountable to monetary support". I don't see how this is accomplished. Has anyone been kicked out of a church because someone in power thought they were not giving enough? I have never heard of it happening.

I have often thought about other groups that require memberships. Biker Gangs, sororities and fraternities, and political parties, They all seem to have one thing in common. The members learn to be competitive, sometimes violent and negative towards other groups. There is almost always a thought that they are better than any other group. Are these qualities that God wants to see in our churches? Competition and a superior attitude is very strong in allot of churches.

I am not really a fan of denominations either. I really wish sometimes that we could all be members of "Gods church" and when someone asks what denomination we were we could just say Christian.I often wonder what the people around town that are not Christians think about our variety of denominations that can't stand each other or at least don't really get along. Not a great sales pitch for Christianity is it. This could be post topic on its own.
I wouldn't say I'm 100% against membership, but I have yet to hear a valid point that has convinced me or that the positives outweigh the negatives. I am curious what others think of this issue and am open to comments and opinions.

Well, its been interesting trying blogging out. its way more work than i imagined. I applaud Mark for being so dedicated to it. I don't think I could keep it up daily as he does.

Scott

Book Review: Grace Based Parenting

Good Morning! Yes, I know I skipped yesterday's post. I tried, I really did, but I was hit with such a bad case of writer's block that I just procrastinated until finally it's now Saturday morning! (Sorry, Mark!)


Ok, I have recently read a jewel of a book by Dr. Tim Kimmel: Grace Based Parenting. It actually is my first foray into the realm of parenting books, and it wasn't scary or guilt-tripping, as I fear parenting books could be. Before Scott and I became parents we watched other parents. How did they do it? Were they too strict or too free? We would go home and often compare notes on the pros or cons of the parenting we'd observed. One of the things we really liked was when parents would seem to know that fine balance of letting their kids discover themselves and were involved in their lives, but not so much "freedom" that the kids had no boundaries at all.
For example, if a kid was going through a strange hair phase, it seemed right to us that the parents would discuss it with the kid and allow it if it didn't violate any kind of moral issues. (How often does hair actually do that?) I found this book to be right along this line of thinking. Dr. Kimmel traces a line between extremes: parenting with boundaries in way to tight, and the other side with boundaries waay out there, maybe no boundaries at all. ( I don't have a name for this - it's not really freedom, maybe more like abandonment?) He categorizes some of the typical parenting methods he's seen as a contrast for Grace Based Parenting. The ones that have stood out the most to me are Fear-Based Parenting, and Control-Based Parenting. I think those descriptions stood out to me the most because I've seen them so clearly in others.

"How we view God determines how we parent our children." Do you agree?
When a parent believes God as Judge with no grace, their advice would include:

1. "God is watching you and so am I.
2. You may be bad, but you're better than so-and-so
3. When it comes to boundaries, their exhortation to their children would be: 'If it feels good, it's probably wrong!' "

Contrast the Judgemental attitude with the Legalistic one:

1. "You owe God, so you better get busy
2. You may be bad, but if you try harder, you can ultimately please God
3. When it comes to boundaries: 'If it feels good, stop it!' "

However, the Grace-based parents look like this:

1. "You are a gift from God; go make a difference.
2. You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you're forgiven
3. When it comes to boundaries: If it feels good, examine it"

"God helps grace-based parents see what matters and what doen't matter." That is so important! I don't want to waste my time and energy on things that don't matter. So then, what really matters? "What are the fundamental, driving needs that your child was born with? ...

1. A need for security
2. A need for significance
3. A need for strength"

These three needs are answered with "a love that is secure, a purpose that is significant, and a hope that is strong."

So, if you aren't convinced yet, let me highly recommend this book to you! Dr. Kimmel has good ideas, but he doesn't just leave you hanging without the practical how-do-I-live-this-out aspect. Many of his illustrations hit my heart so hard I cried. May more children grow up in the arms of Grace.

-Julie-

mmm...Beef

Would you look at this steak?

And this burger...

And now for the Prime Rib Roast...

Now, wipe the drool off your chin and let me explain...

I grew up a cattle farmer and now it's in my blood. I'm not farming right now, but thanks to my still-farming father my deep freezer is full of beef, and I can go back anytime and help out or just look at those beauties out on pasture. There is something really neat about knowing where your food comes from. I am incredibly grateful to be in a position of such wealth, especially food wealth.

Canadian Foodgrains Bank, (and many other relief agencies) are calling out for help. They estimate that the amount of food they can provide will decline by 25%. They will need at least $5 million more dollars just to maintain their current programming.

Why have food prices risen so damatically? What a complex problem! Some suggestions as to the cause include and are not limited to:

1. Rising consumption - Population growth Can't do much about this one, I'm not about to suggest limiting the number of children someone can have.

2. Rising consumption - Alternative uses, such as the huge push for the production of biofuels This is huge, right here. Why are we as a society so much more concerned about the well being of the environment rather than the well being of humanity? I'm all for taking care of this beautiful earth, God told us too, right? But He also told us to look after orphans and widows in their distress. He always prioritizes the person.

3. Decreased production - Rising costs, unfavorable weather, etc How many farmers want to persevere through these tough times of losing money, struggling to make ends meet? It sometimes seems that they are getting hit from every side - the middle man snatches profit, the costs are rising, and the ever unpredictable weather could eliminate everything but the debt.

I'm not really sure where that leaves you and me. Are we, as rich North Americans, willing to donate enough money to feed the poor? Do we care about the local farmer struggling to make an honest living? When I'm savoring that juicy steak, I wonder where we're going...

-Julie-

My Dad is _______________

Have you ever noticed how the media portrays fathers and husbands? By far the majority of advertisements that have an adult male in them (and even some that don't!) make the man look either like a complete idiot or a fumbling loser or lazy or in some way is disrespectful to him. Sometimes it's the kids that roll their eyes and make some smart little comment that makes their Dad look like a fool. Often it's the wife being cocky, clever and all-wise and all-knowing and the husband contrasted as very, very stupid. Canadian Tire is a bad one, State Farm is also often that way, it seems to be everywhere! When I was a little girl, My mom would hate it if I brought home Berenstein Bears books. She noticed how every lesson seemed to be at the expense of Papa, he was always portrayed as the simple-minded one. It's even in our children's literature!

Honestly, it drives me absolutely mad. I will change the channel or shut off the radio if I hear or see an ad that does this. Aahh! I'm worked up just writing about it! Who really finds it funny? Is this really what wives and children believe about their men? Is this really what men believe about themselves?

It is definitely not what I believe! I respect my Dad so much. I look up to him for all kinds of wisdom and I know better than to doubt his all-around common-sense. I have learned in my marraige than it is so very important to respect my husband, too. He carries a good head on his shoulders, full of common sense and wisdom. I look up to these guys - they are smart, strong men and seem know something about almost everything! My daddy is my hero and my husband is my knight in shining armor.

I know that not all guys know how to be a "jack-of-all-trades" around the house, not all of them are good at fishing or building or sports or whatever other stereo-typical mold we want to fit all men into. But there is a huge gap between that and this stupid-man image that is so prevalent. A man should be respected even if he perhaps doesn't know how to rewire a ceiling fan or cut down a tree or score a goal or whatever!

Is this man-bashing the result of our selfish destructive natures becoming more evident? Dare I suggest that this may be a dangerous side-effect of the women's lib movement?

-Julie-

The Next Generation: Hopeless or Hopeful?

Perspective is an amazing thing! Sometimes I see and hear and read stuff about the "younger" generation and it can make me afraid. Do I want my precious little girl growing up in a world where her environment is saturated with drug and alcohol addictions, violence, self-absorbtion, boredom, suicide, sexual perversion, oh man, the list could go on and on...

There is another side to the story, another perspective. It seems God is reminding me that He is still at work in our youth and children. He is raising up a generation that worships Him and hungers after Him. If you look, you will see it!
I long to know God more and grow in Him, but I want my daughter to surpass me. I want her to build on what I'm learning and grow into God even deeper than me.

A wise friend of mine and I were talking about this today. She said that a teacher she heard recently described it like this: Our ceiling will be their floor.
What kind of ceiling do I want to leave for the next generation? How strong or high will it be? It will be their foundation. Let's not give up on ourselves or on the ones to follow.

-Julie-

Blind Boys of Alabama

I love all kinds of music! Some of my criteria for what makes music good is something with a little meaning. Johnny Cash is good for songs with a story. I think a good song should also want to make you move a little, get some jive in your bones! I am also of the opinion that there are all kinds of music out there that insire me to worship - not just the typical churchy worship songs.

I heard of the Blind Boys of Alabama just yesterday and these guys are great! My husband heard of them first and found out they are coming to Winnipeg 05/23/2008 at the MTS center. This is bluesy music with passion and soul, baby! I love it! There is a neat video on their website, - I can't figure out how to get it here, but I got the link!

http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=1332244746

"Thank God Almighty I'm free at last!"

Julie

(I took a holiday from blogging yesterday, I guess Mark will find out eventually! My apologies to those of you who rely on daily posts, even on weekends when you are entertaining your in-laws!)

Ok, today is an easy one! My in-law family is visiting and I'm looking forward to a relaxing facial with my mother in-law later in the afternoon, so we won't have any confusing thoughts or deep questions. That would really negatively affect my spa experience! Let me instead show you some pictures of my beautiful girl and leave it at that.

Well, I'll just add one thing, it is my belief that everyone should go to the spa on at least a semi-regular basis! That includes the guys - I dare you to go and get a facial! I dragged my husband in on our last pre-baby date and now he really likes it. He's definitely not your typical "spa-man" type, but now he would recommend it to any guy! Take your girlfriend, make it a gift for her and she'll never know that it was actually for you!

Ok, here is my beauty and my joy, Norah Marie Williamson...

Brand new in her Uncle's arms... Yes, that's a real smile!

5 or 6 months old

just being goofy...

Sisterhood... and Brotherhood?

I'm pretty sure Mark has not had a post about sisterhood before! I'm talking the larger realm of sisters, not just our actual biological sisters. (I have one of those and I love her like crazy!) do you like them? Is the idea of a "girl's night out" something really fun and exciting? How do you feel after spending time with girlfriends? (Stay with me here guys, - we'll get to you later)

My life has changed so tremdously since giving birth to our sweet thing 7 months ago. Sometimes, I've felt a little stuck at home, but other times I feel like I'm just running around too much and would love a couple days just at home. A couple weeks back I was invited to one of those women-parties. (food, someone selling stuff, etc) I realy didn't feel like going, but I had been house-bound for quite awhile, and the party wasn't very far away. So, I kinda forced myself to go and I had a really good time. The other women held and played with Norah and I felt like I had been given a nice little break and I felt a little happier for it. I felt a little more balanced.

Since then, I happened to watch 100 Huntley Street (http://www.crossroads.ca/index.html) where Trish Berg, an author, was talking about how important it is for women to get together, especially in the first year after having a baby. She talked about some study that found that when women get together, they actually trigger a release of some hormone in each other and that makes them happier, more relaxed, etc. (The link for her book, Rattled http://www.randomhouse.ca/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781590529133)

That struck me as a little weird! Does that happen in all women? Do they have to be with friends, or does just any group of women cause this kind of reaction? In the example above I felt better after being with these women (I only knew about half of them), but I don't always feel better - sometimes I feel alot more tired and worn-down, or discouraged. I'm not sure I believe in this one, but it has made me very curious! I could be the exception to this rule!

What has me even more curious is whether or not there is some kind of hormone going on when guys get together? Maybe something that makes them feel better about themselves or stronger? Are guys happier after golfing together or quading or whatever else they do?

just wondering...Julie

Aggravating People

"Convenience never produces character." Beth Moore

I'll let you know right from the start that most of today's blog comes from an excellent study by Beth Moore called Living Beyond Yourself. It's a study of the fruit of the Spirit and I've been going through the stuff on patience. Now, patience has never been my strong suit. I am stubborn and usually impatient, but when one asks God to give them patience, He usually gives them the opportunity to be patient, right? It's probably fair to say that we all have lots of situations and people that can drive us crazy, aggravate and really annoy us. They might even be in our homes...

There is a bit of a snag here that I just want to throw out there and chew on a bit. Beth Moore makes the comment that God will intentionally provoke situations that bring out the worst in us. Now why in the world would He do that? He brings it out, so we will let Him take it out.

When first heard this I was a little taken aback - How could really aggravating people be part of God's will for me? They make me so frustrated and impatient! But, as I ponder it, I think I agree. How can I let God remove something ugly from my heart (like impatience, pride, etc) if I refuse to acknowledge it's even there? So, it's a good thing that these people "bring out the worst in me, keep me from thinking too highly of myself, and keep my pretenses from working!" (Beth Moore) Yeah, that's a good thing!

So, the next time you are frustrated with someone, and having a hard time showing them patience, just remember they could be one of the best things to happen to you!

It's a ... girl!!

Hi! I guess Mark really wanted to add some "random-ness" to his blog when he asked me to be his guest blogger - and I think he thinks I'll like it so much, I'll start my own blog and not just be a "lurker" (and that's a quote from Mark himself!)

So, to let you know a couple things about myself, hmm... where do I start? My name is Julie, I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a wife to my handsome husband Scott (almost 7 years of marriage!), and I am a mother to our very beautiful little girl named Norah, who is growing and learning like crazy at 7 months old. I have been in a variety of employments and involvements, often primarily male-dominated roles, such as farming. I could blog for awhile about male/female roles, but perhaps another day!

I have been friends with Mark and his wife for many years. I don't even want to count the number of years we go back! It all started out with this newlywed couple braving the Manitoba wildnerness to come mentor and teach a bunch of unruly teenagers... I am so excited they are going on this holiday and I wish them such a good time! They really deserve so much more of a break, so I'm praying God will take the time they've got and just multiply it over and over.

I am cautiously looking forward to blogging! You never know where a girl could take this thing... see you all tomorrow!

Julie

A Blog Is Born: Check It Out

A few times on this blog I have been away or busy and I have relied on my good friend Jay to be an excellent "guest blogger." Ironically when he first filled in for me, my hits went up higher then when I was authoring it! Now Jay has his own blog and I encourage you to check it out: The Red Pill. Jay is a talented writer, thespian, and thinker so I assume his writing will be marked by greatness and just a tad of controversy. Welcome to the world of blogging Jay (finally)! We look forward to being enriched, enlightened, and entertained.

May Light Increase!

JBo Knows: Pre-Marital Counseling, Part 1

Good day, gentle blogger. As you may recall, after Mark wrote a post about pre-marital counseling, I offered to write about my experiences in pre-marital counseling since I was about to undergo the program. He also told me that when I was ready to post about it, I was to log in and post away. So if you want to take the day off to keep healing from your recent sickness Mark, I've got you covered!

Last night was actually the second time Sarah (my fiance, naturally) and I had met with our counselor. I didn't write an article about the first meeting as it was pretty uneventful; in truth, it was more of a fact-finding mission for the therapist, which makes sense since she needs to know what to talk about!

So yesterday evening we drove into the city and, after a stop-off to see Sarah's recently-returned-from-Phoenix parents, we went to our session. We waited a few minutes for our therapist to come and get us, which is normal. When she came out front she looked at us with a rather confused look; it seems that when she called me to book the appointment, she didn't write it down, or erased it somehow. Considering we had just driven over an hour and a half on a work night to come in, we weren't pleased. Our options were to reschedule, or wait until 9:15 and finish around 10:45 (remember the hour and a half drive home). We decided we were already there so we may as well just do the session late.

So after killing some time at McDonald's, we went back to find the exterior doors locked. No big, the therapist said she'd come get us if we got locked out. While we were waiting some people were leaving the building, so we thought "Great, we can get in". The woman exiting the building would not let us in and it took some convincing to make her stand aside (I had a fleeting thought that if I really wanted to get in she really couldn't stop me, but that would be a much bigger can of worms!). Once we were inside we discovered she had alerted security to our presence, so he came in to check with the therapist that we actually had an appointment. I know he was just doing his job, but I was getting a little annoyed at everyone looking at me like I was a criminal!

Anyway, we finally got our session started at 9:30. Our therapist, I'm not going to give out her real name but let's call her Aretha, cause I like that name, brought out copies of our Prepare exam results. For those unaware, the Prepare exam is a multiple choice quiz we had to do before our second counseling session; we had to do the quiz separately. The point is for the couple to answer honestly separately from each other, and then discuss the results in the session.

Anyway, Aretha pulls out our results, and she gets a very surprised looked on her face, and makes several surpised noises as she quickly flips through. Naturally, our first reaction was "Uh-oh, that's not good!" It turned out that Aretha was shocked at how postive our results were; on a graph charting different marriage types and the percentage of typical answers, we were literally off the chart in one or two aspects.

Now, you at home may be thinking that we cheated, that's why our answers matched up so well. I can't really blame you for thinking that, because we had almost considered answering together, but we decided that no, if we were going to do pre-marital counseling, we may as well do it right.

So we went through the survey results, painfully slow at some points. Aretha went over every answer very thoroughly, seeing how we matched up. We kind of felt that she could have spent a little less time telling us how old we were and that we were both caucasion, but whatever.

We went through 10 different areas of a marriage (thinks like communication, conflict resolution, marriage expectations, etc) and picked a few to discuss. We also picked some to discuss next time. The process is pretty logical.

What did we get out of it? Honestly, not very much. Why? Because we've already talked about all of the issues that were in the Prepare, most of them before we even took the test. Sarah and I are both pretty logical people, and we know things aren't always going to be rainbows and skittles. I knew within 2 months of dating Sarah that I wanted to marry her, but I made myself wait to propose because I wanted a stronger relationship first, and I'm glad I did.

For those who haven't discussed things ahead of time, I think the Prepare system is pretty good, and the counseling would be very beneficial. We have one more session to go yet, so we'll see what we take home from that. I really hope I'm in bed before 1:30 next time though.

Keep your stick on the ice!

-- Jay Boaz

JBo Knows: Children's Movies

Well folks, it's been fun, but I think it's my time to ride off into the sunset. I'm not sure if I was supposed to do a Saturday post or not, but here's my thinking; if I'm supposed to post on Saturday, well then consider this my Saturday post. If I'm not, well, then I decided to do two posts on Friday. Either way, I think we're covered.

Am I the only one who wishes that real life was like a children's movie?

Sarah and I watched the Curious George movie tonight. Okay, I watched it and Sarah slept on the couch. Anyway, I would love to live in the world of Curious George. Things are so bright and vibrant and welcoming.

Ted (the Man in the Yellow Hat if you haven't seen the movie) gets evicted from his apartment, and by the end of the movie the landlord lets him move back in because George is a good artist. Not because Ted sued and they had a massive court battle, not after yelling and screaming after each other. They settled their differences because of a monkey.

That's the kind of world I'd like to live in!

Really, if we all lived in a kid-run world, I think we'd be better off. Ever watch a 5 year old with his friends and a dollar? They figure out how much they can buy with that dollar for all of them.

Do children's movies present a simpler outlook on life? Absolutely, and I think that's what I like about them. People help each other simply because it's the right thing to do. Strangers are nothing more than friends you haven't met yet.

If you're looking for an in-depth plot, don't watch Curious George. However, if you want to see one of the cutest movies you'll ever see then go ahead and watch it, kids or no kids!

Anyway, I'd like to thank you folks for having me, as I turn the keys back over to the one, the only, Mr. Mark Westman! It's been fun!

To Infinity and Beyond!

-- JBo

JBo Knows: How To Get Good Service

Something I've tried to be conscious of when coming up with things to talk about during my tenure here at Random Enlightenment is writing about topics that Mark might discuss. Each post I've done I've been able to "Tag" without adding any categories that Mark hadn't (with the exception of the "Guest Blogger" tag, that was me), and today will prove no different.

While it's been a couple of years since I was a server in a restaurant, I have spent most of my working life in the hospitality industry. In fact, it was yours truly who got Mark hired on at the Olive Garden (I hope I don't need to apologize for that Mark!). To be honest, I've never left a job where I didn't get someone else hired on there before I left. If my employers knew of this trend they might never let me recommend anyone...

Anyway, using my experience as a server, I'm going to give you a few tips to help you get better service while you're out at a restaurant. Keep in mind these won't always work because quite frankly you might have a bad server.

1. Acknowledge your server.

If you're in the middle of a conversation when your server approaches the table, put it on hold for a moment and talk to your server. You can always pick up where you left off. As a server, standing there while your guests chatter away when you have other tables that need you as well is a huge frustration.

2. Listen to the person taking your order.

One of my biggest pet peeves working at the Olive Garden was the following conversation:

Jay: Can I get you something to drink while you look at the menu?

Guest: No, I'll just have a water.

You have no idea how much the smart alec that lurks within me wanted to bring out a glass full of ice.

3. Don't up and change tables without asking.

"Oh, that booth in the corner opened up, we should grab it!" If you want to be hated, please, change tables without asking. Actually, let me clarify; during the afternoon when the place is empty, not a big deal. Change tables unannounced when the place is packed? Hatred.

There is a reason for the hatred. When a restaurant is busy, there is a system to how people get seated. It's a combination of the following factors:

- Spreading tables out so the server doesn't have to start serving multiple tables simultaneously

- Ensuring that all servers get a table before starting the rotation over

- To ensure there is a server still working in that section (as business winds down staff start going home)

-To ensure you get seated as soon as possible

The Olive Garden has a sheet they use to help time how long you will have to wait for a table, and usually you get seated at the quoted time or sooner. People arbitrarily moving throws that all off. As well, the server that started serving you is now taking a table away from another server, or they'll have to trade, and either way it's a headache.

Just ask first. They won't say no. But they won't hate you either.

4. Put your cell phone away until you've ordered.

If you get seated and are talking on your cellphone, often your server won't approach your table until you're done; they don't want to interrupt your conversation. If your phone goes off, give them a call back once you've ordered. You'll get faster service that way.

5. Be cheerful, or at the least polite

If you treat your server nicely, they will do things for you. I know if I personally had a very pleasant person(s) I would do little things for them like bring them extra after-dinner mints, maybe give them their coffee for free, things like that. Now, it's not your job to make the server happy, you are there to receive a service, but if you're polite then there's no reason for the server to not provide you with great service.

Really, you can boil all of these down to "be polite", now that I think about it. If we all treated each other the way we'd like to be treated, the world would be a better place.

With great power comes great responsibility!

--JBo

JBo Knows: Reading

Y'know, I've been enjoying my time here at Random Enlightenment, but I admit I'm having a bit of a problem. I have a habit of checking in here pretty regularly since I know Mark updates every day, but every time I do that lately I find no update then remember the only way I'll get one is if I do it!

So here we are, ready for a new day. I thought that today I might discuss something that I just finished reading.

The book I read was kind of a darker book; I'm going to with "grim 'n gritty" as my adjective. The lead character, Matthew, is a lawyer, who has something of a mystery on his hands. The man he is defending is charged with murdering two of his fellow inmates while in prison. The defendent, Melvin, is found in the same room as the victims, who have buzz saw blades sticking out of their backs; Melvin's MO.

The thing is, Melvin denies he did it. He has a condition, one where another personality sometimes takes over and he gets homicidal tendencies. Nobody believe him at first, except for Matthew. In the past, Melvin has always taken responsibility for what his other side does. This time, he swears he didn't do it.

Later in the book, we the reader clearly see Melvin break free from his restraints and murder the two prison guards escorting him. Melvin again denies he did it. In his fear and panic he manages to escape custody and is on the run.

To make matters worse for Matthew, his wife Milla is growing increasingly frustrated with their marriage. Like he has countless times before, Matthew has let the case consume him. He is up all hours of the night working on it as well as during the day. Unfortunately, things get even worse for Milla as she becomes a target.

Melvin, or rather Melvin though a man named Cranston who we discover is manipulating him, goes after Milla as a way to get to Matthew. Matthew shows up to find his wife and gets kidnapped himself. The book ends there on the cliffhanger.

Pretty riveting stuff, eh? Would you be disappointed if I told you this was actually a comic book?

That's right, this is a story about Daredevil, a blind lawyer who doubles as a superhero. Now, you might be asking, why would I mislead you, gentle reader, in such a fasion? It was to make a point.

Comic books are often labelled as "kid's stuff", or written off as mere picture books. Impossibly muscled heroes and unbelievably curvy heroines running around in capes and tights catching people falling out of planes and pulling victims free from raging fires, right?

Yes and no. Sure, there are some comic books that are like that. But just like any other medium, there is so much more to comic books. Writing comic books off as immature kids' stuff as a whole is like saying that all television rots your brain, or that you don't like music, period. Comic books are the medium, not an all encompassing genre.

There are superhero comics, and they are the most widespread, true. But there are romance comics, science fiction comics, horror comics, dramatic comics; pick a television genre, there's probably a comic book equivalent. But still, genre's overlap; before I revealed that I was writing about Daredevil, did you know I was talking about a superhero comic? I think the exact same plot I summarized could be seen on an episode of Law & Order or CSI.

Like everything else I've written this week, I could keep going for a long time, but I'll cut things short here. I'm not expecting you to run out and grab this month's Captain America as a result of this article (though Captain America is an excellent espionage read these days, if I do say so myself), but I'm again just trying to challenge your thinking and perception on something you may have had a preconception about.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

--JBo

JBo Knows: Thinking Cap

Alright, we're at the mid-way point of our week together, and we're going to be taking a sharp left turn from the previous posts. I have no wisdom to impart or knowledge to share on this topic (though let's be honest, I rarely have wisdom to impart anyway!); rather, my goal today is to get the gears of your mind a'cranking. So pull out your Thinking Cap and get comfy!

Today's discussion was inspired by a cramp I suffered in my leg last night curling. Not quite the existential inspiration you were perhaps expecting, but it's true. While delivering a stone, my right leg (the one I push off from the hack with) cramped, which makes it pretty difficult to concentrate on your shot!

On every subsequent shot, I would say a little prayer to God. "Lord, please be with me and my leg and help me not to cramp up" is what I would say every time. Later in the game I wiped out and semi-twisted my ankle, so my prayer became "Lord, please be with me and my entire body and help me not to cramp up or injure myself further". I decided not to even throw any stones in the final end (we had already lost anyway) to prevent further aggravation.

In addition to prayer, I also stretched my leg as best I could (and yes, I did stretch before we started curling) and ran inside to down a few cups of water (as dehydration is one cause of muscle cramps).

Now, what deep question am I pondering after all of this? Here goes; to what extent are we to rely on God, and to what extent should we look after ourselves? Should I have relied on prayer alone, or on the physical measures I undertook to correct the problem?

Clearly God has the power to alleviate my muscle cramps, but like any Father I think God wants me to learn to take care of myself as well. Here's an analogy; when kids are used to being spoon fed and are starting to learn how to feed themselves, they might try to revert later to being spoon fed. The parent knows that the child has to learn to do this on their own and as such does not spoon feed them.

We're taught to rely on God's power rather than on our own, but then there's free will. Since we are free to choose our own actions, we must also bear some responsibility for our well-being as well, right?

When thinking about this topic, I was reminded of a post over at "Notes To Myself" that echoes this one. Alyssa wrote about a family that had a broken stove. Rather than going out and picking out a new one, they waited nearly 2 years before they purchased a new one, as they were waiting for God to show them one just like the one that no longer functioned. (if you want to read Alyssa's thoughts on this topic, head over to her blog via the link above and enter "stove" in the Search feature)

Let's break down the stove scenario then. This family believed that they had to wait for God to show them the perfect stove. Assuming that the family could afford a stove (for sake of argument let's say they can), God gave this family the tools needed to hold down the jobs needed to pay for said stove (intelligence, skills to hold down a job, etc), and the wits to buy one. So really, aren't you still buying this stove through God?

I could go on and on and go deeper and deeper, but I think I'm going to halt this one here. I don't have any answers for you, but I hope that maybe I've made you think in ways you may not have before or have very often. Sometimes simple contemplation is reward in and of itself.

Feel the magic, hear the roar!

--JBo

JBo Knows: Acceptable Behaviour in Sports Part 2

Wow, yesterday ran kind of long eh? I had thought it best to adhere to the "write what you know" philosophy, but perhaps I should have picked something I'm not quite so passionate about; I had trouble keeping yesterday's post as "short" as it was! Anyway, I'll try to be a little briefer today and also try to wrap up this topic!

I'm going to touch briefly on coaches here, and then get to the real meat and potatoes I had intended to serve up all along; how we as adults impact our kids' in sport.

A lot of what I said about referees goes for coaches as well, with one exception; coaches generally aren't paid. A coach is a volunteer, a volunteer who in addition to running practices and games had to obtain certification in the sport, obtain a criminal record/child abuse registry check, take the Respect in Sport on-line course, and quite possibly find time to take off of work, all to enable kids to play sports. Again, I'm not saying that all coaches are great; there are coaches who are quite guilty of the offences I'm about to discuss, but in general coaches do have the best interest of the kids at heart.

I attended a conference last November and greatly enjoyed the keynote address by Dr. Colin Higgs on Long-Term Athlete Development (LTAD). What struck me most about his address was the stressing of the importance of teaching kids while they're young the basics of sport movement; running, jumping, and throwing. Almost all sports hinge on some, if not all, of these skills. What was also interesting was the revelation that if a child does not learn these skills by the age of 10 or 11, it becomes increasingly difficult to learn them.

Dr. Higgs made clear the need for children to play different sports at an early age, not only so they can try out different activities to see what they like, but so they learn all these skills. The best athletes played more than one sport growing up; if you followed the World Juniors this year you may have caught mention of a few Team Canada players who play both soccer and hockey at a provincial/national level.

So what does this have to do with the behaviour of adult spectators? Allow me to pose this question; how best do children learn? The answer; when they have fun! When your child is struggling with their math problems, do they respond better to you coaxing and encouraging them, or to getting screamed at?

I am of the belief that the purpose of children's sports is the following:

1. To promote an active lifestyle

2. To have fun

3. To learn basic motor skills

4. To have fun!

5. To learn teamwork and problem-solving in a group setting

6. To have fun!!

As adults in the stands, we can play an important role in our kids sport development. I think if we concerned ourselves with our kids having fun and learning rather than winning a lot of problems would be solved.

A quick side note (and bear in mind this is my opinion and I have nothing on paper to back me up), please, please, please, do not reward your children for scoring goals or for winning! I cringe whenever a parent tells me their kid gets a dollar for every goal they score. By rewarding goal scoring, we are not encouraging teamwork. If your child is playing defence, why should they try to learn how to do that properly when they can get a reward for abandoning their post to go for the goal?

I could go on and on about this topic and I've barely scratched the surface here, but I hope it gives you something to think about. If this is something you struggle with or just want to discuss, please feel free to drop me a line at capped.crusader @ gmail.com (just remove those spaces around the "@"!). Or if you're looking for some literature on the subject, I recommend reading "Just Let The Kids Play; How to Stop Other Adults From Ruining Your Child's Fun and Success in Youth Sports" by Bob Bigelow.

In closing, please remember that I'm referring primarily to children aged 12 and under here. I could do multiple articles on how things change as kids grow older in sport, but if I do it definitely won't be this week!

The Power is Yours!

--JBo