The Perils of Marrying a Professional Woman?

I found this opinion piece (and counter-opinion piece) very interesting:

Careers and Marriage

Essentially the author at Forbes cites recent studies that have found professional women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat and less likely to have children. And if they do have kids, they are more likely to be unhappy about it. A recent study in Social Forces, a research journal, found that women--even those with a "feminist" outlook--are happier when their husband is the primary breadwinner.

These kind of statistics are interesting but I'm not sure how useful they are. They did get the female writer who responded to it a bit riled up though.

What do you think?

Deception and Relationships

"Where there is deception, there is no relationship."

I am reading a book called Boundaries in Dating (which so far looks extremely good), and the above quote stood out to me. The authors had received this advice at a counselor training time in which the teacher was training people how to work with those having character disorders (people who do not take ownership and responsibility for their lives). I liked what this teacher said:

"As soon as there is deception, stop everything." If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way, there is no relationship. The whole thing is a farce and you should not go any further in trying to help someone until you settle the issue of deception. There are no other issues at this point except that one. Trust is everything in a helping relationship, and when it is broken, it becomes the only issue to work on. Either fix that or end the relationship. Where there is deception, there is no relationship . . . Truthfulness is everything. While essential in the therapeutic relationship, honesty is the bedrock of dating and marriage as well . . . The real problem is that when you are with someone who is deceptive, you never know what reality is. You are not standing on firm ground, and the reality can shift at any moment. As one woman said, "It makes you question everything." (Cloud & Townsend, p. 35-36).

This is quite profound. Sometimes we feel things aren't right in our relationships but we aren't sure what the problem is. We look for all sorts of possible answers but often miss the obvious one. Deception, whether we are deceived or the deceiver nullifies the relationship. And yet we are all guilty of it at one time or another. This book has challenged me to stop deceiving others in my relationships and to stop allowing those I care about to deceive me and get away with it. For their good and mine.

May Light increase!

The Medium and the Message (and Blogging)

"The medium is the message." - Marshall McLuhan

(this post is based heavily on a comment I left at the excellent blog "Fun with The Friesens" a while ago)

As my own blog is no stranger to controversy, I have been reflecting on the weakness of the blog medium (and the written word in general) when it comes to discussing things that we may disagree on. A problem with blogging (besides the possibility of people sometimes abusing anonymity) is that so much of a person's message is unclear or left up to interpretation. In face to face conversation you can see facial expressions, detect the tone of the speaker, and hear which words are emphasized (and which ones aren't). These are all important clues to what a speaker is really saying that are missed when communicated in the written word.

A commenter may mean something as gently sarcastic, playful, tongue in cheek, humorous, etc. but readers may hear it as an attack, an insult, jaded, argumentative, depressed, etc. There is so much opportunity for miscommunication! And unlike a face to face conversation, you can't tell if what you are saying to someone is landing on them incorrectly until it is too late. Thus repair attempts (common in face to face discussions) don't happen right away and people can get upset. Strong words fly back and forth and pretty soon what was a discussion of opinions degrades into "personal attacks."

At least that is what has the potential to happen when we jump to conclusions about our interpretation of what others write.

Another weakness of the blog medium is that if someone is offended by a comment or post on a blog they can simply just not comment back (the equivalent of storming out of a room or the silent treatment) - never allowing miscommunicated thoughts to be questioned or corrected. So then even if you think you've offended someone (or if they have been honest enough to tell you), getting specific feedback on what exactly it was that offended other is challenging because the person is under very little pressure to respond. Often they think their job is done! Just telling someone that you are offended by what they said is not feedback. Feedback has to be specific (time, place, what was said/done, explanation). We often congratulate ourselves that we gave someone "feedback" ("You were out of line!") but unless we get specific it is only doing half the work. And work that is only half done can be just as bad as doing none at all.

Blogging is great, but it takes specific writing skills to communicate clearly and accurately. This It also requires patience - patience to ask "Do they really mean what I think they mean?" Emoticons (as much as I hate them) would be helpful but because of their "cheeziness" factor will probably never be utilized. Being honest, specific (not vague), questioning, respectful, and extremely patient/gracious are key factors in entering blog conversation successfully. I am convinced that most people are capable of this. But not all.

May light increase!

Worth It?

I saw this on Postsecret a few weeks ago and it warmed my heart. The combination of selflessness combined with a healthy/realistic view of body image makes me think that the woman who made this postcard is at peace with herself. She seems to be comfortable in her own skin and in today's messed up world of body fixation it gives me hope for the future.


If scars from battle are cool on men, why can't stretch marks be cool on women? I interpret this postcard as reframing something displeasing as something full of honor and pride. Of course I look at this as a man . . . perhaps you see something different?

May Light increase!

Trip To Belize: Day 11 & 12

May 22, 2008

Today was kind of a throw away day, really. We woke up, had a nice breakfast talking to a CBC documentary guy who was staying at Coral House and then biked down to the local post office to send some postcards. This was actually quite the experience as nobody in the town seemed to know where there own post office was. "The white building" said many people but it took us 15 minutes of checking out the myriad of white buildings before we found it. It was fun meandering around though although, biking through the streets. At one point a police officer informed me that I was biking the wrong way down a street. This seemed amusing as there were no signs indicating this. But, chastised, I meekly apologized and turned around.

We felt sad as we checked out of Coral House Inn. Not only were we leaving this great little place to stay, but we were also preparing to leave this exotic little country and I had mixed feelings. I was happy to leave and get back to my kids and my regular life and I'd felt like the trip had been extremely satisfying emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Yet, I felt there was so much more to see and do in Belize and you never really know if you'll be back or not. As Shakespeare said "parting is such sweet sorrow. We flew to Belize city (via Placencia and Dangriga) and this time the short flights were not nearly as harrowing as when we arrived. A view from the plane enjoying the view of the cayes to the east:


Here's a final picture of us in Belize enjoying our final "little plane" ride:


From Belize City we flew to Miami and then flew to Toronto. Along the way I finished reading The Shack and watched "The Bucket List" on the plane. Both were meaningful experiences and I was hit hard again about the importance of relationships. We arrived in Toronto and went to the hotel (no upgraded room this time sadly) and promptly froze as we were unused to normal temperatures. We were exhausted but content and promptly went to sleep.

May 23, 2008
The flight to Winnipeg was nothing out of the ordinary except that on check in security found my swiss army knife that I had forgotten to take out of my carry on. Belizean and American "security" had both missed the fact that I had taken a weapon on board their flights, but the Canadians found it and confiscated it. I was both proud of them and annoyed that my knife was gone (actually they offer for you to go back through security and mail it yourself but I didn't want to miss my flight). After we arrived in Winnipeg we were met at the airport by Jobina's mom and the kids. Jobina cried quite a bit and I was a "little" emotional myself. Sometimes you don't know how much you miss something until you take a break from it. When Jobina asked if the kids had missed us she found out, well . . . not really. It appears Mom missed them alot more then they missed her! I think that's probably for the best.

When we got home we gave out some gifts to the kids. First we gave them some shells and sea glass that we had collected for them at Coral House Inn. Trinity also got a cute little Mayan doll from the PG market. And Riker? Well, he was VERY excited about what we gotten him:



Giving him his "mini-machete" was one of the highlights of the whole trip for me!

So there you go. After a total of 13 days (including travel days) we were home. I find that when people go on vacations they usually fall into a choice-reinforcing pattern. To justify the choices they make (say as in going on a vacation) there is great pressure for them to tell people it was good, otherwise they look foolish. And I would say I've done that in the past (especially about certain sketchy winter camping experiences). But I can honestly say that this was the trip of a lifetime, that it was worth the money, and that given the choice I would do it again. I had an adventurous second honeymoon in an exotic locale with great people and it was better then I even hoped it would be. Why? I think because I met God in Belize and that made all the difference.

Trip To Belize: Day 10

May 22, 2008

Today was a relaxing, lazy kind of day. We had a nice continental breakfast at the Inn and then Jobina and I got on the Inn's complimentary (and old school) bikes and went for a leisurely pedal around town:



Here's the sign welcoming you to Punta Gorda:


It was very hot and we took many breaks in the shaded palapa rest stops along the sea. Here's a picture of us that we took on a little dock where we stopped to rest and dip our feet in the ocean to cool off:

After pedaling a mile or two along the coast we were hot and decided to treat ourselves. On the way back we stopped for ice cream at a little cafe, where we were informed that they didn't have any ice cream. So we had ice cold bottles of coke and red fanta (mmm . . . red fanta . . .) instead:


Here's a picture of the street from the patio of the cafe:


We went across the street and bought some postcards and then headed back to Coral House for a swim. I have a great picture of Jobina relaxing in the pool but for some reason Jobina hates it and threatened me if I would post it. Thus I will post a picture that represents her instead. It's a unique piece of art by the pool that I liked. I think it captures the bliss of floating in cool water on a hot tropical day rather well:


Lunch was at a Chinese restaurant which was unremarkable except that it had air conditioning. After lunch we got some ice cream (finally) and I tried the saursop flavored variety that the Belizeans enjoy so much. We crashed for the afternoon in our nice air conditioned room. Here's a picture of the room, small but nice:


At 6 we walked to an oceanfront bar/restaurant called "The Reef" for our last supper in Belize:


I had a T-Bone steak dinner (cost $7.50 CDN) and a glass of really nice red wine and Jobina had some crepe thing paired with a Belekin- both meals were amazing. We enjoyed our last supper in Belize as night descended and talked about how much we would miss this country, what it would be like to go home, and other things. On our way home we again ran into our friend "The King" who sold me a nice wooden ring, made of the wood of a certain kind of palm tree (whose name escapes me). We felt buying from him was the least we could do to support him as he had provided us with so many unique memories of PG (scaring us in the dark, his friendliness, his crazy home/shack, etc). Here's a picture of the King's home, taken in the daylight:


When we got back we went for yet another swim to cool off and then Jobina went inside to enjoy the AC and read. I spent a long time in the pool: thinking and praying about my life and especially what I was learning about God/relationship from reading "The Shack." I was the only one out there and I let my mind and heart wander where they willed. Later I crept upstairs to the deck overlooking the pool and ocean and read. I honestly feel like I have met God in a new way on this trip and I felt very much at peace.

I was telling my friend Jason yesterday that I have a hard time living in the moment; often I am thinking about the future and I miss what's happening in the "now." This night in Belize was different. I just enjoyed the moment; my book, the quiet, the surroundings, the ocean air, everything. It was very nice. Later I invited Jobina out to sit on the deck with me and we enjoyed the time together. Tomorrow we head home which is sad but good. I miss my kids.

Trip to Belize: Day 9

May 21, 2008

Well, we had our final day at Cotton Tree Lodge. Checkout is at 11:00 but since check in at Coral House Inn (in Punta Gorda) wasn't til 4:00, they graciously allowed us to stay for lunch and we didn't even have to vacate our cabana until right before we left at around 2:30. We said our goodbyes to the staff, Jay, and CeCe and before we left became the first paying customers of Cottonwood Chocolate! Here's a rather strange picture of me holding the first sold chocolate bar:

Antonio graciously drove us to Punta Gorda and dropped us off at Coral House Inn:


This is an exceptional place, I can't say enough about it. After the excitement of our daily trips at Cottonwood we were looking forward to a place to just relax, and Coral House Inn was it. The whole place just oozes relaxation, quality, beauty, and laid-backness. It's a beautifully restored villa, complete with walled in courtyard and a nice pool/bar area overlooking the ocean. Did I mention that they have the only pool in Punta Gorda? Here's a view of the entrance gate in the wall:

From our air conditioned (yes, AC!) room on the upper level we could look down on the pool with ocean in the background:


The pool is not huge, but it is more then sufficient to cool down and go for a great swim:


At the oceanfront there is a walkway down to the ocean where we went down and found some sea glass for the kids:


Here's some bananas growing on the yard:

Needless to say, we were impressed. The location is perfect, far from the core of town but close enough to get there quick. There are cemeteries on each side of the property so the neighbors are very quiet! And the bar is self serve, so you can grab or make whatever drink you want (you just write it down on your tab). We went for a few refreshing swims and got to know some of the guests. Here's a pic of me floating in the pool:


Here's a picture of the thatched bar area and pool loungers:


Soon it was time for supper, the first time we had to choose our meal in 7 days! We went to Marian's, a 3rd floor ocean side place a few blocks from Coral House. On the way, we noticed lots of holes in the ground and enventually we saw these multi-colored crabs pop out:

Very interesting. Marian's was delicious; classic Belizean cuisine. You had three choices: a roasted chicken, beef, or seafood dish. Jobina had chicken and I had beef (about $5 and
$6 CDN) which included the meat plus a salad, potato salad, plantains, rice, and beans. They were super filling and delicious. We tried lime juice, there version of lemonade except with limes - very good. We got to see gecko's chasing each other on the walls of the restaurant:


We walked home in the dark and Jobina was a bit nervous. Suddenly as we were passing a dark shack a large man in dreads shouted something at us and jumped up from his yard and ran up to us! Needless to say it was a bit out of the ordinary (Jobina was quite frightened!). A very eccentric Belizean introduced himself to us as "The King" and asked us where we were from. After talking for a few minutes (which relaxed us) he invited us back to his shack (which appeared to have no power since it was dark) to see the art that he was working on. I told him that maybe we would stop by during the day and though he was disappointed I think he understood how we might be hesitant! After getting back we relaxed by the pool and discussed theology with an American named Todd (who surprised us in the middle of the conversation by going and peeing on the yard). Then we went to bed in air conditioned bliss!

Trip To Belize: Day 8

May 20, 2008

Today was a different kind of day (for a 2nd honeymoon) because Jobina and I spent much of the day apart doing our own thing. CeCe and I wanted to go back to Blue Creek and climb that mountain we had seen while Jobina wanted to relax and "veg" at the lodge (she also wanted to watch them experiment with chocolate making). I have never really climbed a mountain before (at least to the top) so I was pretty excited. Holly from Cottontree also came along under the guise of "scouting out" the trip as a future mainstay tour. Laura (Jeff the owner's sister) also joined us in the morning. Here's the colorfully painted "Jungle Bus" that Vincent drove us in:


When we got to the village of Blue Creek, Vincent negotiated with local guide Sylavano to take us up the mountain (called Hokeb Ha). Soon Sylvano was leading us down the now familiar path to the caves, but then we found the trail leading up the mountain. Before leaving CeCe had asked Vincent "Any rocks?" "No," he said, "no rocks." This was amusing as the trail was covered in loose rocks (as well as trees, vines, and roots). Ah, Vincent, your lies make me laugh. Here's me:


Hokeb Ha mountain is 18,500 feet above sea level (confirmed by my GPS) and was for us about a climb of 13,000 feet of mostly vertical terrain. Luckily there was lots to hold onto as we carefully choose our line up the trail - trees, roots, rocks, etc. Sylvano mentioned to us not to touch certain black marks on trees or roots as they were poisonous and "bad boils" would break out on your skin if you touched them! Here's the view going up:


And here's a picture looking out from the trail a couple hundred feet up the mountain:


The heat was quite intense and that combined with altitude change made some of us a bit overtired, woozy, and (I'm not saying who!) a bit whiny. But we all soldiered on and were treated with some amazing views at the top. The great thing was that there are actually trees and bush on the tops of these Mayan Mountains so you can find shade to sit down after. Here's what it looks like from the top:

Here's a picture of Sylavano climbing a tree on the summit and doing a wild Mayan call into the valley below:


Here's CeCe, triumphant after a hard climb:


Sylvano told me that when he was younger he lead British soldiers (who were mapping and surveying the area) up this mountain. He had chopped out an area for a helicopter to land and the British soldiers had found Mayan settlement remains and had marked it on their military maps as a "ruins" site. There were certainly lots of rocks and Sylvano showed me what was left of a table made of lava rock which would have been used to crush corn or cacao on. This rock is not native to Belize and would have been brought up the mountain from Guatemala - proof that there has once been a Mayan settlement on top of this mountain. That kind of history is all around you in Belize and so much of it is undiscovered or buried. Here's me and Sylvano at the summit:


The climb down the mountain was faster and a lot of fun - way easier then going up. Only once did I almost slip but I caught myself on a nearby tree. After we got down we decided to go for a dip in the pools of Blue Creek below the waterfalls:


It was super refreshing after the heat of the mountain and Laura, Holly, and I, swam right up to a waterfall and put our faces into the pounding water. I screamed happily into the falls as the heavy water pelted me - quite the rush. Later swimming in the pool with the fish was fun (although one of them nipped me) and then we dried off and headed back to Vincent's for lunch and the ride back to Cotton Tree. Here can you see the fish (the largest are about a foot long):


I found Jobina and after she and CeCe went to deliver some school supplies to a nearby school (you'll have wait til she posts about it on her blog), we hung out until dinner. After dinner Jobina hung out in the lodge and I went out to do something I had really wanted to do but hadn't yet - swim in the Moho River at night. It was a bit scary diving into that river by myself in the dark but it was lots of fun, especially under a full moon. To end off our last night at Cotton Tree we stopped by the lodge and were invited to attend an impromptu chocolate tasting party that some of the chocolate makers were having. Nice!