Mixing Up Our Messages

"Share the Gospel at all times, if necessary use words." - St. Francis of Assisi

St. Francis' observation still rings true today - there are two ways to get a message across. One is with words and the second is with actions. Both are powerful but I would argue that actions do indeed speak louder then words. Working with couples I am often amazed at how one partner is not aware of the "real" message that they are giving their spouse. For instance a woman is upset with her husband because he works zillions of hours at work. He tells her that this is because he wants to provide for her and give her access to the luxuries that will make her happy. The message she receives from all those dinners and evenings alone might be something else entirely. It could be:

"You don't care enough about me to spend time with me."
"I'm not as exciting as your job."
"You refusal to grant my requests to spend more time together means you don't love me anymore."

When working with couples, I will sometimes ask the wounded spouse, "What message do you get when he/she does that?" Often the other person is surprised or incredulous at the response. Why? Because most people assume that others will pick up on their motives for their behavior and agree (or that they ought to agree!). But if your spouse doesn't see it how you want or expect them to . . . look out!

When someone in a relationship is sincerely trying to change their behavior and is make at least some progress that sends a positive message to the other. Do you want to know how your behaviors are being interpreted by someone else? Just ask them. Try something like this, "Um, when I do _________ what message are you getting from that?" It's a great way to try something different when discussing a difficult issue, trying to understand the other persons opinion, or learning to have empathy. Or maybe you are trying to "get through" to your spouse about something? Phrasing it in "this is the message I'm hearing" way may help you to feel more heard. It can't hurt to try, right?

It's hard to argue (though many try) with a person's interpretation of the message someone is sending them through their behaviors. Trying to change your spouse's "incorrect" message by telling them what the message "should be" won't work. Instead some sort of behavior change must be made. In my overworking husband example, the husband may not work less (the most effective way), but he will have to do something different (ex, spend more quality time with her on weekends, call her from work, hang out with her in the mornings, invite her to stop by work, etc) with his wife if wants to change the message. There is no other way.

Social Media & Disorders

This is so true . . .






You can buy it on a T-shirt here.

Book Review: Faith And Doubt

Book Review: Faith And Doubt by John Ortberg

Every so often there is a book that comes out that handles topics in such an authentic and daring way that I can't help but be amazed as I am going through it (Blue Like Jazz and The Shack come to mind). Faith and Doubt is just such a book. In some ways it is an instant classic.

John Ortberg is a teaching pastor who became well known during his stint at Willow Creek (perhaps you've heard of it)? Quite simply, John Ortberg is a master communicator. He tackles the thorny topics of materialism in When the Game Is Over, It All Goes Back in the Box, courage and fear in If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat, and intimacy with God in God Is Closer Than You Think.

Faith and Doubt feels daring because Ortberg lays it all out on the line - we all doubt so what do we do with it? He carefully but honestly explores how doubt is not only something that we deal with as we grow in in Christ but a normal (and I daresay) necessary part of having real authentic faith. Ortberg says that our honest seeking of truth is so important to God that the more we in faith seek truth, the more doubt will also naturally come along for the ride. There is always a tension between faith and doubt and our natural inclination is to go one way or the other; either we ignore doubt and treat it like cancer for our faith or we embrace doubt and let our faith evaporate. Either extreme is unhelpful. Ortberg manages to take a very deep subject that is usually kept in the closet and make it accessible to most Christian readers with an average reading ability. Stories (many of them personal) connect and illustrate his ideas quite well.

Most of the book tackles the doubt side of things while the final part tackles faith. Ortberg presents some of what he thinks are the best reasons to "bet the farm" on the existence and goodness of God. I had heard most of them before but the final one he presented was so new and powerful to me that I got pretty emotional. It's an excellent point that he takes from G.K. Chesterton and since I couldn't do it justice, I won't attempt to share it. But I've been thinking about it almost every day since I finished the book and I'd say reading the book is probably worth it just for those couple of pages.

I wholeheartedly reccomend this book to anyone who has faith but:
1. Wrestles with doubt ("I'm a bad Christian because I have doubts.)"
2. Struggles with understanding and empathizing with others' doubts ("just pray for more faith!")

I think this would be a great book to tackle with a small group or Bible study group who feels like they need something fresh, challenging, and maybe a bit dangerous to shake them up. It's easy to read, easy to discuss, and exceedingly honest. I borrowed it from my local library but I intend to purchase my own the next time I make an order from Amazon. My rating 4.8 ninja stars out of five.

Killer Biscuits

Non Current Movie Review: Fireproof

At church on Sunday I noticed that Jobina had picked up the movie Fireproof from the church library. Now to be honest I wasn't thrilled. I have had many clients share with me that they have watched this movie and I'd say half of them thought it was great and half of them hated it. The fact that it had Kirk Cameron was not a plus. I still struggle with judgmental thoughts about his acting in Left Behind and often have to ask for God's forgiveness because I've slagged that movie to others. But I digress.

So Jobina and I watched it tonight. Was it "cheezy?" Yes, in a few ways. It's a Christian movie (thus some unnatural sounding dialogue), it has a small budget, and most of the actors are not professionals. But did I like it? You know, I did.

There were a few reasons. First it was a movie about marriages - and I am passionately interested in helping marriages. Including my own! So in spite of myself I started to get drawn into the movie. The relational aspects of the movie; uncaring spouses, anger, distance, porn addictions, potential affairs, etc - this is stuff I work with every day. As I am always on the look out for anything that I think could be helpful for my clients (and myself) I was mentally taking notes and identifying stuff ("yup, there she is ignoring his first attempts at changing, right on schedule"). Also, Kirk Cameron was the most "unKirk Cameron" I have ever seen - and it was good. Gone was the whiny kid from Growing Pains - I have to say he put in a decent performance.

If you watch this movie you have to appreciate the genre - this is a propaganda film and the two messages are "You need God" and "You need to love your spouse, even if they don't respond." If you can not be offended by the way these messages are portrayed, and the production values don't turn you off too much, I think you could be inspired. I was. I would watch it again - it's a good reminder about what it takes to have a good marriage. I think that almost all marriages go through at least one time when one or both people seriously consider throwing in the towel. The pain/annoyance/betrayal - it all seems unbearable and everything within you screams to end the pain - by getting out. But it doesn't have to be the end. If everything you are doing isn't working and you keep on doing it, hoping for better results (isn't that the definition of insanity?), you need something different. This movie was a good reminder of that . . . and the power of God.

Parkour Master In Action

All I can say is "wow."

Mixed Metaphors

Shocked Doggies, Learned Helplessness, And Churches

In early 1965, Martin E. P. Seligman and his collegues, while studying the relationship between fear and learning, accidentally discovered an unexpected phenomenon while doing experiments on dogs. Many years earlier Pavlov discovered that if a ringing bell or tone is repeatedly paired with the presentation of food to a dog, the dog salivates. Later, all you have to do is ring the bell and the dog salivates.

In Seligman's experiment, instead of pairing the tone with food, he paired it with a harmless shock, restraining the dog in a hammock during the learning phase. The idea, then, was that after the dog learned this, the dog would feel fear on the presentation of a tone, and would then run away or do some other behavior.

Next, they put the conditioned dog into a shuttlebox, which consists of a low fence dividing the box into two compartments. The dog can easily see over the fence, and jump over if it wishes. So they rang the bell. Surprisingly, nothing happened! (They were expecting the dog to jump over the fence.) Then, they decided to shock the conditioned dog, and again nothing happened. The dog just pathetically laid there! When they put a normal dog into the shuttlebox, who never experienced inescapable shock, the dog, as expected, immediately jumped over the fence to the other side. Apparently, what the conditioned dog learned in the hammock, was that trying to escape from the shocks is futile. This dog learned to be helpless! These observations started a scientific revolution resulting in the displacement of behaviorism by cognitive psychology. What you are thinking, determines your behavior (not only the visible rewards or punishments).

The theory of learned helplessness was then extended to human behavior, providing a new model for explaining depression, anxiety, people staying in abusive situations, etc. It was also applied to systems. I was thinking about this yesterday as I was reflecting on my church. I have a theory that some churches (like mine) have learned (or been taught) that if you don't have a pastor to lead the church then the church is essentially helpless. You can't function without a senior pastor! A pastorless church is like a ship without a rudder. Now I agree that it is nice to have a senior pastor, but is it a necessary condition for a healthy, growing church? I think it is - but only if that is your perception. My personal perception is that team leadership works just as well and since every church has some leadership team, pastorless churches are far from helpless. In fact, I think it's good for a church to be without a senior pastor for awhile - a lot of growth and maturing can happen during those times. Church leadership teams need that kind of a shakeup every so often so that they don't get too lazy and keep on thinking for themselves. The whole idea of a senior pastor who wields ultimate power and authority in a church isn't really Biblical anyway.

Learned helplessness is an acquired sense that you can no longer control your environment—so you quit trying to. Do you believe that you helpless about any areas in your life? How did you learn it? The good news is that you can teach people to "unlearn" their helplessness. We do it in counselling every day.