The Power of Context

How big is Antarctica? Apparently it's this big. Wow.

Weekend Smile

Ah life, sometimes it is amusing. Like when your wife calls you in a panic because she forgot her car keys at church and has 10 minutes to get your son to a birthday party. You are out on an epic bike ride with the only other set of keys. It's funny because after much panic she resorts to taking a taxi (and she hates taxis). Later when she comes home she finds that her car keys were sitting on her kitchen counter. Luckily she has a supportive husband who wouldn't think of bugging her about this . . .

I still smile about this every time I think about it!

ASBO Jesus Friday: Dark

(click to enlarge)

Beware the Lazy Marriage!

"The soul of the sluggard desires, and has nothing,
But the desire of the diligent shall be fully satisfied."
-Proverbs 13:4

There are several things that make for successful, passionate, satisfying marriages. The least sexy factor is what I call the laziness factor. Laziness is like poison for your relationships.

So often when a couple gets together they go out of their way to serve the other person. They put huge amounts of time, energy, and money into the relationship. But sadly, after marriage most couples get lazy. They redirect their attention and priorities off of their spouse. I say cautiously that men may be more prone to this as soon after marriage many will switch their attention and drive to other things like their career. But women do it too (kids, friends, etc) and it just kind of creeps up on you. Suddenly your couple time is spent in front of the TV or maybe you don't even have any couple time at all. Your dating life is in the toilet (along with intimacy) and you start to get bored. Too much of these times and you start to lose hope. Can we ever be close again? Can sex be exciting again? Why can't we have fun anymore?

When I was dating Jobina (my wife) I never in a million years would have imagined that I would have to constantly "work" at our relationship after we got married - I assumed it would be natural just like when we were going out. Sadly true love is not enough. Like most couples we go through periods where only one of us (or neither of us) is investing much in our relationship. These are always the most difficult and least satisfying times in our relationship.

Combating relationship marriage is not a one time deal. It takes constant attention, initiating, and work. Here are a few pointers:

1. Go on dates - at least once a month, preferably more. Why date after getting married? Because its the best way to show the other person that you are still pursuing them, that you still care, that you still want to enjoy life together. Dating gets you out of your routine. It also gives you time alone to talk, catch up, and inquire into each other lives. Regular dating is probably one of the best ways to avoid marital laziness, infidelity, boredom, and depression. What's your excuse? If it's finances, let me ask you: How much would a divorce cost you? Is it babysitters? I've yet to meet a couple who couldn't get access to a babysitter - if they really wanted to. Is it time? Well, then maybe you or your spouse need to drop something. Stop making excuses and get moving! Even a stay-at-home date can be satisfying - as long as it's fun.

2. Quality time. How much quality time do you and your spouse spend per week together? Willard Harley, a successful marriage counselor says that healthy marriages need at least 10-15 hours a week of quality time (dedicated to giving each other your attention) just to maintain the health they already have! More is needed if a couple is not doing well or is in crisis. I have sat with many couples who have tried to convince me that they simply couldn't find that much time but when they realized their marriage was on the line they were able to sacrifice things and make it happen. Most of the time there is a huge improvement with less fighting, more sex, and more feelings of enjoying each other. How much time do you and your spouse enjoy together each week, without distraction? Quality time together meeting each other's emotional needs (affection, sexual fulfilment, conversation, recreational companionship, etc.) is not a luxury, it is a requirement. Without it, all relationships will begin to get lazy and wither.

3. Money. I know lots of people who will generously give money to their church, the United Way, or even a street person but balk at the idea of spending money on their relationship. Think about it, what other institution do you know that can run successfully without money? That's right, none. Money may seem unromantic as far as being necessary to a marriage but as the Bible says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." If you care about your marriage you will put your money behind it. It doesn't matter if you don't have lots to spend (and I realize some people are financially hurting) but really, do you want to be cheap with your most important relationship? Dating, going on romantic vacations, flowers, lingerie, going for cofee, chocolates, cards, retreats, etc all cost money. How much money do you spend on your relationship? Is it in your budget? What do you need to change?

So there you go, three areas we get lazy; dating, quality time, and money. Investing in these areas is not a guarantee to a perfect relationship, but if you are lazy in these areas it will be extremely difficult to have a great marriage. So what are you waiting for? Get on it! You don't want to end up like the people in the picture do you?

Depression Linked To Processed Food?

Back when I did my one month vegetarian experiment I told people that I felt better when I wasn't eating meat. It was hard to explain - yes my stomach felt better and I had more energy but then today when I read this article, I was able to flesh out that feeling better. I think that when I was eating more vegetables I actually felt better in my mind and spirit - more positive. I think that what you eat can really affect your mood and research seems to back it up. Some people are more sensitive to diet then others but if you are struggling with some depression or anxiety, why not try improving things by changing your diet? If you are really crazy add some exercise and discipline yourself to sleep more and I guarantee you will feel a difference. Has changing your diet ever helped you feel better?

Ikea Tech Secret

Ever wonder how IKEA makes their furniture sturdy yet so light? National Geographic went inside an IKEA factory in Poland to find out. The secret is the honeycomb skeleton inside their tabletops:

Slowly Wading VS Diving Right In

While I was at church this Sunday I started thinking about the ways people approach change. I liken it to swimming. When I was a kid I used to just dive right in, but when I became a teenager I switched to slowly wading in. Now, as a full grown man I do both: sometimes I dive in and sometimes I slowly wade in. Getting into a pool or lake is the courageous act of changing one's environment . . . and the metaphor works for change in general.

Our church got a new pastor this summer. Pastor Kelly is very charismatic and creative. When he came in he changed a lot of things and quickly! Quick change can produce tension and anxiety and I admit I felt some of these feelings myself. I talked to several people who also felt this way and we had a few families actually leave the church. For a few Sundays it was kind of depressing to look out in the sanctuary and see fewer people. But many of the changes that our new pastor introduced were not just different, but good changes and the new approach while repelling a few has attracted many more. This Sunday we were packed and there was positive energy which was invigorating. The quick change had borne good results.

Rapid change is exciting but carries it with a higher element of risk and a higher element of reward. Sometimes it seems the best way to do things. On the other hand, slow change can also be good - introducing change by slowing wading in to a new experience of things. Neither is more right (or wrong). All I know for sure is that embracing change is essential to growth. One way or another we need to get off the beach and into the water. Some people say "I fear change" but not changing is an illusion - we and our environment are always changing whether you want it to or not.

Most likely you either like quick changes or slow ones. The danger is when you try to universalize your experience - demand or expect that those around you should change the way you do. I sometimes do this with my kids; "Just jump in!" I say and get impatient as I wait for them out in the water. The loving thing to do is simply this; encourage people to change and allow them do it at their own pace, even if their pace is different from yours. Trust me, your relationship will be alot better if you don't impose your own change style upon them.

Surprise

The Return from Iraq - For more of the funniest videos, click here

Parents, your mere presence means more to your children then you will ever know . . .