Personal Responsibility (and You)

I have been thinking lately about the idea of personal responsibility. It seems that so many of the problems in living we encounter come back to errors in this area. Usually there are two extremes; ignoring personal responsibility or overdoing it. As an example of the first extreme: imagine a fight between a wife and husband. What prolongs the argument and makes it a several hour (or several day) event? One or both won't take personal responsibility for their actions. They can't just admit "OK, I have big problems with you, but I too messed up and I have no excuse for it. I'm sorry for doing/saying ______." The longer it takes for both people to get to that point the longer the fight takes.

If a couple gets into a half-decent fight it is almost inevitable that by the end both will have done something wrong. Either the fight is because of something one said/did/interpreted and which precipitated the fight or one will have reacted badly in some way during the argument. Since we can't control the other person, we are left with only the ability to influence them. When we let go of trying to make other person see it our way and concentrate on what we can do by taking responsibility for our actions, it's possible to move towards resolution. So many couples get caught in the trap of sitting back and waiting for the other person to take personal responsibility first. Our biased sense of justice propels us to ignore that little voice in the back of our heads "Psst . . . we did something wrong too." If you are part of a couple who fights alot, there's a good chance both of you have a problem with taking personal responsibility for your actions. If only one of you changes and starts to take responsiblity for their actions, you will probably cut down the number and length of your fights by 40%. If both of you do this, you will cut down the time and number of your fights by 80 or 90%. That's the power of taking personal responsibility for your actions.

The other extreme is the person who takes on too much personal responsiblity. This is like the parent who blames themself repeatedly because they "let" their child be abused by a family member. Did they really "let" them? No. But they blame themselves. They should have done something to stop it. They should have seen that the family member had issues. "But I was responsible to protect him," the guilt ridden parent laments several years later. By refusing to allow some responsibility to fall onto others, they overburden themselves with unrealistic guilt that does nothing to erase the past or help them (or those they love) move on. Pastors can also have issues with overresponsibility, feeling and believing they are personally responsible for the spiritual growth of their congregation. Many burn out as they face the impossible task of keeping over a hundred people on the straight and narrow. We need to stop labeling such devotion as admirable and start calling it what it is; an error in thinking.

Personally I have to be careful of myself leaning towards both extremes, especially in my marriage (underresponsiblity for my actions towards my wife) and as a counselor (overresponsiblity for the health and recovery of my clients). It's not always easy and I have erred many times but I think I'm making progress. Two books that have helped me a lot with this are ones I've mentioned before, Boundaries and Choice Theory. May we all find that balance and help others to do so as well. Having a healthy understanding of where our personal responsibility starts and where it ends might be one of the most helpful gifts we can ever find.

May Light increase!

40 Days

I was looking for a new book to read and as I was perusing my bookshelf my eyes suddenly rested upon The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren. I've never been a big fan of this book but I decided that I'm going to read it again. So I've committed to reading it for the next 40 days and seeing what happens. The thing I do like about it is that Warren points out the power of living according to God's purposes for us - purposes that give one meaning for life. You'd be amazed at how many people who come to see a counselor mention that their life feels devoid of purpose and meaning. Sometimes I too feel that way (I don't feel bad, Solomon did too) and I like the reminder that life does have meaning, if you are a Christ follower. Perhaps I'll share some of the things that impact me as I'm reading it . . .

Delightfully Disgusting

The short story is very much an under appreciated art form. Today I read this one and was very impressed both with the story and the artwork. I laughed, felt queasy, was thoroughly disgusted, and was also delighted and drawn into a story written by someone with a gift for writing. If you are queasy, easily offended by language, don't like frankly described bathroom scenes, or a hypochondriac please don't click on the link. This 2004 short story by Vincent Eaton tells of his experience with, wait for it . . . a tapeworm. You may not eat sushi for while after reading it! Here's a little preview:

I headed directly to the pharmacist, purchased the pill, took it home, created an altar, placed it there and worshipped it for forty-five minutes as the answer to all my dreams and prayers. “Oh mighty pill, death to the demon residing within…”

Next morning I popped out of bed, got myself a glass of water, removed the pill from its altar cushion, placed it on my tongue, closed my eyes, and swallowed, declaring, “Take that, monster of the deep! You neverending strand of unspooling spaghetti!” I smacked my lips and thought that was that.

It wasn’t.

The story concludes with an invitation to share your stories of parasites. There are dozens of pages of contributions. It's called "The Worm Within" and I don't know how enlightening it is, but it did make me think about things I had never thought of before!

Surprisingly Interesting

I was worried. This past Sunday the speaker for the day was introduced. At first I thought she was a missionary and I was sad as missionaries are not always the most eloquent speakers (and are often quite frankly to me boring). Then, to my horror I heard she was actually a missionary but someone who did work for our denomination supporting missionaries. "Nooooooo!" I screamed inwardly anticipating an even worse experience then I had dared to think before. I prepared myself for the worst . . . and was pleasantly surprised.

I can't remember everything she shared but I know that I found several things she said quite interesting. One especially stood out. First, said that our denomination had been surveying our overseas missionaries as part of their commitment to helping each missionary come up with a "health plan:" a plan for them to maintain physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological health. The survey asked a question that went something like this:

Imagine God sitting down and thinking specifically about you. What is the first thing that comes to your mind that He would be feeling towards you?

Our speaker said that the surveyors were surprised to find a high amount of people said that the first word they thought of was "disappointment." Many others said "anger." This troubled me immensely - our missionaries are out there trying to share the love of God but are not feeling it themselves? When 4 or 5 friends had gathered after the service I mentioned that I had been shocked by the survey results. What then shocked me even more was that 2 of the 5 of us mentioned immediately that they too thought the same things!

I guess there are lots of people who may believe in a forgiving Father, but often feel God's condemnation more then his love and grace. I certainly don't want to judge anyone but I wonder how many millions of Christians are out there feeling and thinking the same thing? And more importantly, what can we do about it? If you do the experiment, what words come to your mind?

Some of My Favorite Verses

Just like asking someone what kind of car is their favorite (or what kind of food) tells you something about them, I like asking people what their favorite Bible verse is (or verses). Here are some of my favorite's (in my favorite Bible version, the NIV):

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
-Philippians 4:8
(I like this one because it challenges me to transform my mind and not let it dwell on that which is contrary to where the Spirit wishes me to go. There is almost not a day that goes by that this verse comes to mind!)


"There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden."
-Proverbs 30:18-19 NIV

(These verses capture the beauty and mystery of romantic love. If Solomon couldn't figure it out, I figure it is OK for me to not have to understand it either. Instead I wish to celebrate, feed, and enjoy it.)

Of course there are lots more verses that I enjoy but these ones always stick out in my mind. How about you?

Children Learn What They Live

Children Learn What They Live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Excerpted from the book CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE by Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 - 2005)

I have always found this poem moving, convicting, and inspiring. I want to to be a better Dad. Some times I just need the reminder . . .

Got A Bike?

To me, spring is about getting back on one's bike so to speak. I mean this literally and non-literally. I am getting so excited about biking again! Also spring is about getting back into exercise, discipline, and health after a long winter. To inspire you to get off your duff and get on a bike, here's a video I recently saw on neatorama:

Would You Want To Know?

Imagine the scene; you and a friend are at a favorite hang out for coffee. You are enjoying reconnecting and sharing with one of your favorite people. Conversations hops all over the place and eventually drifts into pleasant random thoughts about dreams, spirituality, and eventually, relationships. After a peaceful lull in talking, you friend looks at you with a faint smile and says:

"Let me ask you a question. Pretend a friend you know fairly well knows a secret about your spouse: five years ago they cheated on you. You spouse has worked it all through - they are sorry, ended things with the other person long ago, and now fully committed to you and your marriage. And your relationship currently is happy and the best it's ever been. Would you want to know? About the affair that is. Would you want that person to tell you, knowing the pain and damage that could result?"

What would you say?