This happened a few days ago but I'm wasn't sure I should write about it until after I discussed it with Jobina. I told her about it the other night and she seemed to understand where I was coming from. Just to warn you this might be fairly illogical and you may strongly disagree, but its what I am honestly feeling. So anyway, here goes:
I was sitting on the couch the other day. . . OK, really I was just laying there. Trinity emerged from the bathroom and I overheard her talking with Jobina. Jobina was chastising her gently for taking her eye shadow (or mascara or something like that) from the bathroom and putting it on herself. Jobina told her that if she wanted to try it she would have to ask and she would help her next time.
Suddenly, I got this huge lump in my throat. My 3 year old daughter is experimenting with makeup. Yes, perhaps she is just playing with it right now, but the truth is she will almost certainly start to believe (just like most of the women I know) that she cannot really look pretty without makeup on. She will take this lie and it will become a part of her. You see my beautiful little girl is doomed. She will begin to question her God given beauty and specialness and think she has to add to it. If she is like most women she will get to the point where she does not even feel comfortable going out into public without makeup on. With no offense to Jobina, she will most likely at first see it modeled by her mother, then the media, then her friends, and by that time it will be too late. She will be a prisoner to a terrible belief - that she can't measure up without it. If she wants to be beautiful, if she wants to look "right," if she wants to get a good man - she has to put stuff on. The tragedy of this reality breaks my heart.
If you are a woman and reading this you may think I'm overreacting (and perhaps I am . . . a little bit). "It's just makeup!" you might say. But if you can't go out in public and be comfortable (and feel beautiful), isn't something wrong with that? Something profoundly sad? And shouldn't I be angry at something that holds sway over all the beautiful women in my life; my wife, my mother, my daughter? I am angry at it; it is a system that makes women feel like they can't just be naturally beautiful and I hate it. Thing thing is, what can you do? How can you try to teach/convince/reveal to a woman that these things aren't really necessary? How do you stop the tyranny from reaching another generation? How do you stop the cycle?
Trinity, if you are reading this someday I want you to know something: you are beautiful. Not because of your clothes, your makeup, your hairstyle, or how much skin you show. Those things do little to really alter your appearance anyway. You are beautiful just the way you are, because that is how God made you. This other stuff won't change that. If I have any wish for you in this world, it is that you will somehow escape the tyranny of the system that you have been born into (and perhaps all women are born into) that you are beautiful and special as is. Every day I see you, I marvel at your beauty and thank God for you. I love you honey,
-Dad
P.S. The painting is Norman Rockwell's "Girl At The Mirror."
The howler monkeys of Belize
1 week ago
10 comments:
A great post. It is obvious that you love and care for your daughter deeply and she is lucky to have you as a father.
I saw a commercial this week-end about how young girls are facing so much pressure from the media about their looks, and I did actually think of Trinity when I saw it. It is sad how society has convinced us women need to wear make-up and uncomfortable shoes to look good. Don't get me started on the shoes. :)
I have no answers to your questions, Mark but I will say this....that daughter of yours will listen to the first man in her life...you! She will look to you for wisdom and guidance and she will hear the heartfelt cry of your heart. Keep talking to her as you just did and she will know deep down in the pit of her being that she is beautiful just as she is. It may take a while to show on the outside, but trust me when I say, she'll know.
I can understand where you are coming from and it's a really beautiful thing. I just have to add that it is possible for a woman/girl to know she is beautiful just the way she is without makeup and still wear it just to feel a little "girly" and put together. It also helps a great deal to have men in our lives who validate that. So you are doing a very good thing by her to instill that at a very young age. Way to go!
You say it best in that last paragraph Mark where you say that we are beautiful and special just the way we are. Once we get that through our heads (our worth in Christ; our Dad's, husbands and other special male influence who confirm our beauty and worth) we can, as Stace says, enjoy playing around with beauty products. I hope Trinity will always know that she is beautiful inside and out. With you as her Dad, how could she not!
Thanks for all of your comments - but I must admit I still feel that something is missing in people's suggested responses (and my own). May I gently challenge us? The thing is - a father telling and showing her daughter that she is beautiful without makeup, just as she is, is not enough. To counteract the system and the lie everyone must do their part. That means some radical changes in us:
1. The men in her life must tell her she's beautiful often and not just when she is dressed up, they must teach her that beauty is more then physical and appearance. But they must also model that worldview; complimenting not just when people are done up, commenting when makeup is not applied, and by not objectifying and judging women solely based on their looks. Men rail against the system but are guilty of enabling it when they focus on the very things they disagree with.
2. The older women in her life (or any young girl's life) must honestly examine themselves. Are you a slave to the lie? What do your actions say? Can you go without makeup publicly and still think of yourself as beautiful? Is your whole understanding of beauty wrapped up in makeup, clothes, and style? Are your words about beauty and your actual lifestyle/actions on the same page? If not it will be almost impossible for that girl to escape becoming a slave to the lie herself. A young girls female models must be free (or take action to free themselves) before they can truly bring freedom to others. . .
A young girl looks to see how people treat her and what they are modeling to help her understand what beauty is and the place it should have in her life. I worry that as men and women we are failing these young girls and I would like to see that changed. Men, start treating women according to their inherent beauty and don't pressure them to conform to society's messed up standards. Women, stop modeling dependence and fixation on your outward appearance and the "enhancers" that society says you must wear. To me this is what we need to do to start winning this battle. Or at least it is a bare-bones beginning. Deeds, not words are necessary here. . .
Can I just throw in what I believe to be the lynch (?) pin in all of this discussion...really this discussion is about worth and value, and what society says has worth and value, (ie: physical beauty). Male or female the issues are there, you just pointed out a place where women's value can be judged. Somewhere my heart just goes back to Song of Solomon. We've been studying this book for at least a year now, reading commentaries for myself and seeing that it's just been in recent history that we have interpreted it more strongly on the sexual side. Some of the earlier commentaries and friends are opening my eyes to the way GOD SEES US! As His beloved, His bride, as the church as a whole and us individually.
"Dark am I, yet lovely...I am darkened by the sun...my own vineyards I have neglected." (SS 1:5-7) Even so long ago, Solomon's bride was concerned with her looks, but Solomon and Our Lover affirms us.
..."How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!...Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens...show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely...all beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you...you have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes,...how delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine,..." (SS ch 1-8)
He knows us intimately, loves us, considers us worthy to be yoked with Him, and revels in our love for Him...
I know it's not easy to see this from a heavenly perspective, it's not just about a man and a woman, it's how GOD FEELS ABOUT US AS HIS CHURCH AND AS HIS INTIMATE LOVERS.
I think you're right about the deeds, but until we start believing inherently about who we are before God as his Lover, our deeds won't change a thing...it's a change in perspective, in thinking, that needs to occur otherwise we can do, but not really believe in what we are trying to do/model. (which is a lot of bull). Does that make any sense? Or am I just so pregnant that my brain is miscommunicating?
Jacquie ;o)
Jacquie, you make sense (mostly!). So perhaps there are three elements that are necessary then:
1. Accurate (and helpful) beliefs about beauty and worth.
2. Actions and lifestyle that back up the beliefs.
3. Words to reinforce the beliefs and the actions/lifestyle.
My guess is that most of us have at least one of these necessary components . . . but need to change the others.
wow. interesting post, mark. and the comments! personally, i wear make-up about 3 or 4 times a year. basically to weddings and grads. this is not because i am rebelling against it, but because it is just not important to me, i don't feel like i need to wear it to go out. and frankly- i am too lazy to spend the time on it (and too cheep to spend the money?) every day... or even every month for that matter.
however, even as an almost non-user, the "make-up-makes you beautiful" thing has affected me. on the rare occasions that i put some on, i have recieved compliments and have felt so genuinely beautiful, that it makes me wonder about the other 362 days of the year. what do they see/think on those days? and does that matter to me?
i agree that the make-up issue is part of a bigger issue. of finding our worth in what God thinks of us. He thinks we re beautiful. He says that He made us wonderfully and He's no liar!
have you thought of writing a post on modesty? (or maybe you already ahve?) i am interested on your views and the views of your other readers. i believe this issue is also intricatly connected to finding our worth in Christ.
keep blogging, mark. your posts brighten my days and make me think... you've always made me think and i really like that about you!
Hi Dayna! I don't think it's bad to feel beautiful when you occasionally wear make up (just like I don't think it's bad to feel beautiful after purchasing some new clothes). It's when there is dependence and panic/discomfort when one imagines oneself in public without such things. A post on modesty, eh? I'll think about it . . .
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