10 Great Dates Before You Say I Do (David and Claudia Arp, Curtis and Natelle Brown)
I had never picked up this book before but previewed it because my counseling supervisor suggested it as a resource. Although I haven't used it extensively yet, I thought I'd write a quick review. The book is written to help two kinds of couples: those who haven't decided if they should get married yet but are thinking about marriage, and for couples who are already engaged as a way to confirm their decision and build confidence/skills in their relationship as they prepare for marriage. Overall, I think the book is very good in a general sense. It can be used as a "do-it-yourself" approach to premarital counseling or is a great tool to use alongside of traditional counseling. What really stands out in this book is the idea of doing the exercises on dates. Pairing communication, fun, and dating together is an excellent idea (I wish I'd thought of it). By framing the counseling as "going on dates" hang-ups are reduced. It also makes discussing relationship issues something that can be done in a normal environment, not just a counseling office. Also, the book frontloads the couple to the importance of dating before and after marriage. The exercises for each date are non-threatening but practical. I would rate them low on the "cheeziness" scale which should make them doable for guys and girls. There is a chapter for each date and then the exercises at the back. Training couples to date and to talk is a really good thing. For counselors, this book would be good for couples who seem divergent on many things, who don't seem to know each other very well, or who really aren't sure if they should get married or not. I like the low-key vibe that goes through the book and the simplistic approach that is guaranteed not to lose your couple in psycho-babble and confusing topics. My rating? 4.4 ninja stars out of five.
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5 comments:
I kind of shy away from books such as these. Isn't it possible to have a relationship without having to do research?
Yes, on the one hand, since a marriage is serious business it makes sense to do your due diligence. On the other, every relationship is different, so no matter how good a book is it may not relate to the relationship.
Now then, if this book could be used IN PLACE of pre-marital counselling, I'm sure we would have ordered a copy already!
Jay
Hey Jay! Not sure what you mean by "research." Can you describe that more?
Actually, a lot of people do use this book instead of premarital counseling! I would say that it probably hits on about 70-75% of what you'd cover with a good counselor. That being said, you could breeze through this book without going deep on anything (it's kind of like anything; the more you put into it, the more you get out of it). A good counselor pushes you beyond your comfort zone, something a book can't really do. However, if the couple is really motivated, this book would be excellent. It focuses on illuminating each others expectations, feelings and beliefs about important issues that affect marriage. The more a couple understands each other and each other's expectations, the opportunities for conflict diminish. Where this book falls short is in the skills training department . . .
And you couldn't have told me about this before we spent $400 on counselling? :)
Research was a poor choice of words. How does "book work" sound?
Jay
Jay, I only found out about this book last week! If it makes you feel any better, I would have recommended it to you if I known about it (although probably more alongside it then as a replacement for counseling).
As for the bookwork stuff, are you referring to homework, reading, filling out premarital inventories, etc?
I was thinking that I agree with you that no matter how good a book it is, it may relate poorly to the specific relationship of the couple reading it. Sometimes this is because the couple is at a place that the book doesn't start at. Their needs are different then the books. Or it is because the couple or individual thinks they are past/above/advanced beyond the book and so they make it a self-fulfilling prophecy that the book won't be helpful. This kind of couple unconsciously sabotages any good the book could do! I have seen this lots of times. Good thoughts Jay!
The bookwork comment - I shy away from these kind of books because I don't feel I need to read a book to learn how to relate with Sarah.
In this day and age I think we sometimes tend to over-analyze things. Books along these lines go along with that over-analyzation I think.
If it helps somebody, great! But as every relationship is different, I don't think any book will always work as a guide.
Jay
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