Getting Through To Your Man

Agree or disagree?

Miss Lonelyhearts and the Three Dealbreakers

I was reading the Winnipeg Free Press yesterday and happened upon a column called "Miss Lonelyhearts." It's basically an advice column, one which usually leans to the seedier aspects of relationships but as a relationship counselors I'm often a sucker for reading these kind of things. Anyway, in one of Miss Lonelyhearts' answers to her readers she mentioned something called the three relationship dealbreakers:

1. Infidelity.
2. Addiction.
3. Abuse.

What do you think of this list? Basically I think she was saying that any of these things warrants a person choosing to end a relationship - faith has been broken. Do I agree? Yes and no. From a Biblical perspective I would say that only one of these is mentioned within a marriage context (infidelity). Even then many spouses choose to forgive and their marriages eventually recover (and many are even better then they were before). I would argue that all of them are justification for separation (depending on the severity and circumstances). Although God's heart is for marriage I don't believe He feels that people should remain in the same home under any circumstances - separating with the intention of reuniting is occasionally a necessary and wise way to work for your marriage. There have to be boundaries and consequences for relationship destroying behavior, correct? Separation should truly be a last resort (as it is risky), but is sometimes what is needed to help a spouse "wake up" to how much of a deal breaker their behavior is.

If you are simply dating someone (even long term) breaking up would certainly be warranted over these three dealbreakers. For engaged persons this list is also good - getting married with any of these hanging over your head and undealt with (again depending on the circumstances) is just asking for trouble.

So what do you think? Is this list fair? Would you add or subtract anything?

The Terrible Shock

Carl Jung said, ‘To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock.’ It’s hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception. But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite– a differentiated life, lived with integrity. Tears of recognition and relief often flow with the dawn of self-awareness.

But while the truth will set you free, remember the psychologist Erich Fromm’s observation of humankind’s attempt to escape from such freedom. The truth is liberating– but only when you have the courage to live it.

-from David Schnarch’s "Passionate Marriage"

I read this today on nakedpastor.com and it kind of stuck in my mind. I too have felt the terrible shock of newfound self-awareness. Sometimes it is beautiful, other times terrifying, and occasionally life changing. Ever had such an experience?

I can think of two times right off the back. Once was Jobina sharing with me something about the way I treated her - something I hadn't wanted to see in myself. Another time was while reading "The Shack" in Belize - and realizing a big part of my heart that I was ignoring. I liked the above quote because it ties the importance of self-awareness with action. Action is essential for self-awareness to be worth anything. As a counselor I help people come to new levels of self-awareness often. Some clients are simply surprised and others feel struck by it. I find that what is most important is not how emotional such awareness makes them, but whether the awareness sparks them towards action or not. All the self-awareness in the world is useless if it doesn't help us to act, to change. My wish for us all is that we will dare to be honest with ourselves and after we have done so, we will act . . . and grow.

The Greatest Commodity

Money is great (personally, I'm a pretty big fan of it). You can do a lot with it; buy things, influence people, make differences in people's lives. When we got married we put "presentation preferred" on our invitations so people knew that we would prefer monetary gifts. I know lots of people who adore money - in fact their whole existence in built around finding it, spending it, or not losing it. Money is an essential part of life and even if you don't like it, it does make the world go round.

Yet as desireable as money is, it is not nearly the greatest commodity that we possess. So what is then? I would argue that is simply this; time.

Time is the greatest commodity. Everyone, no matter how young or poor only has a certain amount of it. You can't buy more of it, yet you can waste it frivolously. Sometimes people ask "What can you give the person who has everything?" My answer is always the same: time. Time is the most precious thing you can give. I have heard so many people argue that their spouse or kids should know they love them because of how hard they work for them, for the gifts they buy them, for the comfortable living they procure for them. But then their relations object; "But you hardly spend any time with me." Time is our greatest commodity and one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. Manage it well and teach those around you as well. Spend it wisely.



"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of."
-Benjamin Franklin


"There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing."
-Brian Tracy

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Playing Nice

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
-Mark Twain



"One man practicing sportsmanship is far better than a hundred teaching it. "
-Knute Rockne

Rudeness

"If you are right, but rude, you're wrong."
- Loosely quoted from Rick Warren.

This saying was mentioned during a wedding sermon I heard on the weekend and I liked it. A lot. No matter how bad, evil, or "ignorant" someone is, if you become rude in you're response to them, you are automatically in the wrong. Doesn't matter what it is. Nothing justifies you (or I) being rude - ever. As it says about Love in 1st Cor 13, "it is not rude." How much is rudeness a problem for you?

ASBO Jesus Friday: Hasta La Vista

(click to enlarge)