How Much Do You Trust Yourself? And How Much Do Others Trust You?

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
-George MacDonald

An interesting exercise was offered in the pages of The Speed of Trust - take a free online trust test and see how you rate yourself. Then, if you dare, send an email out to a several people whom you know and get them to rate you in the different areas of trust. Everyone who does this does it anonymously and it only takes a few minutes.

So here's the question; I assume most people wouldn't mind doing the self test. But are you brave enough to do the 2nd part? Are you open enough to feedback to hear the truth about what people think about you? Before I give the link to the test, I'm curious to know . . .




I thought the feedback might be good and so I sent it out to between 15 and 20 people. This included family, friends, co-workers, bosses (or supervisors), ministry partners, etc. I tried to send it to people who I thought might trust me highly and those who might not. My results are below:

Personal Credibility Score & Report (this was my own rating of myself in the different trust areas):

Integrity: 83%
Intent: 63%
Capability: 83%
Results: 63%
Others Trust Me: 63%
Character: 73%
Competence: 73%

Personal Credibility Index: 70%

Here's What Others Say (the average of people who filled it out for me - thanks by the way if that was you!)

Character: 92%
Competence: 89%
Others Trust You: 94%
You Consistently Interact in a Way that Builds Trust: 92%
Your "Trustability" with Others: 92%

Aggregate (combination of personal and others) Personal Credibility Index: 82%

I enjoyed the exercise and I was a bit reassured to see that others thought of me as more trustworthy then I thought of myself, but I want to increase everything (especially competence) up higher. Seem like a good exercise? If you'd like to do it, the link to the website is below:

www.whotrustsyou.com

How Important Is It?

Our small group has an interesting format. Mostly we just talk about our lives - sharing them with each other and praying about them. We like to joke that we are the small group about nothing - no Bible studies, no books to read, just fellowship pure and simple. Recently we decided to add one more small component: The Question Of The Day(TM). The Question is something that I come up with, some kind of intellectual or emotional question about God, life with Him, or how we ought to live as Christ followers. Eventually the discussion comes down to how it impacts our lives.

Last week my question was this: "How important is being authentic to following Christ?" I defined being authentic as being real - being open and honest with yourself and others. We had an interesting discussion. There is no commandment to be real with other people . . . but, isn't not being real a form of deception (or lieing)? And how can you grow as a person if you aren't letting someone (or some people) know what you are truly thinking, feeling, experiencing, and wanting? Some people were honest about how the idea of being authentic made them feel - kind of scared actually. We agreed that you don't have to be fully transparent with everyone you meet (that would be quite exhausting) but definitely it's helpful to be real with someone.

How can we grow if we don't show people our true selves? If we don't allow someone into our inner world, they can't speak God's love, grace, and wisdom into it. Worse, we let all the bad thinking (thinking that needs desperately to be challenged) to just keep going around and around in our heads, unhindered. Here's a question: How authentic, how real are you with people? If you've been hurt in the past, are shy, or feel like you shouldn't need to tell people about your inner life then I'm guessing this idea is not pleasant. But how can we grow without it?

Personally I believe we all have a secret addiction to wearing masks, masks so that we don't have to show anyone what we feel we really are. I know I do it sometimes. I don't usually want people to know that I have fears, that I doubt myself, and that I do things that are contrary to my desires and ideals. Yet don't we tire of the masks? It's often scary to put them down, yet when we do we usually find a soul-renewing relief in it. After all, it takes a lot of energy to wear our masks (and the twisted thinking that comes with them). My challenge: Look at yourself. There's probably at least one thing that you wish you could talk about honestly with someone. Why not take a risk and share it with someone you think is safe? With your spouse, a friend, a family member, a counselor, a pastor. The more you share of yourself with safe people the easier it will get and the more authentic you will become. Good luck!

ASBO Jesus Friday: What Can Happen

(click to enlarge)

I find that this is so true that it is downright scary!

Consumer Gene Testing : Vice or Virtue?

If you had the money, would you pay $399 dollars to find out your predisposition for cancer, obesity, alcohol dependence and many other health related things? Would you really want to know? The reason I ask is that just such a service is now becoming available. It's called
23andMe and it is one of Time's Best Inventions of 2008. You simply pay the money, get a kit sent to you, spit in a tube, and then send it to them. After a few weeks you log in and you can find out from analysis of your DNA all kinds of crazy stuff about yourself. Some of it would be quite useful and some of it would be downright scary.

23andMe currently reports on over 90 disease possibilities and health traits and the number is growing. As I looked at it I got excited - wow, I could learn all kinds of interesting things about myself! But on the other hand it was unnerving. Would I want to pay to find out that I have a 70% chance of developing lung cancer, restless legs syndrome, or schizophrenia? I'm not so sure that knowledge would really improve the quality of my life. I mean it could extend it, but for chronic worriers this service would not be good! So I'm not sure . . . but I'm curious about what others would think:

JBo Knows: Acceptable Behaviour in Sports Part 2

Wow, yesterday ran kind of long eh? I had thought it best to adhere to the "write what you know" philosophy, but perhaps I should have picked something I'm not quite so passionate about; I had trouble keeping yesterday's post as "short" as it was! Anyway, I'll try to be a little briefer today and also try to wrap up this topic!

I'm going to touch briefly on coaches here, and then get to the real meat and potatoes I had intended to serve up all along; how we as adults impact our kids' in sport.

A lot of what I said about referees goes for coaches as well, with one exception; coaches generally aren't paid. A coach is a volunteer, a volunteer who in addition to running practices and games had to obtain certification in the sport, obtain a criminal record/child abuse registry check, take the Respect in Sport on-line course, and quite possibly find time to take off of work, all to enable kids to play sports. Again, I'm not saying that all coaches are great; there are coaches who are quite guilty of the offences I'm about to discuss, but in general coaches do have the best interest of the kids at heart.

I attended a conference last November and greatly enjoyed the keynote address by Dr. Colin Higgs on Long-Term Athlete Development (LTAD). What struck me most about his address was the stressing of the importance of teaching kids while they're young the basics of sport movement; running, jumping, and throwing. Almost all sports hinge on some, if not all, of these skills. What was also interesting was the revelation that if a child does not learn these skills by the age of 10 or 11, it becomes increasingly difficult to learn them.

Dr. Higgs made clear the need for children to play different sports at an early age, not only so they can try out different activities to see what they like, but so they learn all these skills. The best athletes played more than one sport growing up; if you followed the World Juniors this year you may have caught mention of a few Team Canada players who play both soccer and hockey at a provincial/national level.

So what does this have to do with the behaviour of adult spectators? Allow me to pose this question; how best do children learn? The answer; when they have fun! When your child is struggling with their math problems, do they respond better to you coaxing and encouraging them, or to getting screamed at?

I am of the belief that the purpose of children's sports is the following:

1. To promote an active lifestyle

2. To have fun

3. To learn basic motor skills

4. To have fun!

5. To learn teamwork and problem-solving in a group setting

6. To have fun!!

As adults in the stands, we can play an important role in our kids sport development. I think if we concerned ourselves with our kids having fun and learning rather than winning a lot of problems would be solved.

A quick side note (and bear in mind this is my opinion and I have nothing on paper to back me up), please, please, please, do not reward your children for scoring goals or for winning! I cringe whenever a parent tells me their kid gets a dollar for every goal they score. By rewarding goal scoring, we are not encouraging teamwork. If your child is playing defence, why should they try to learn how to do that properly when they can get a reward for abandoning their post to go for the goal?

I could go on and on about this topic and I've barely scratched the surface here, but I hope it gives you something to think about. If this is something you struggle with or just want to discuss, please feel free to drop me a line at capped.crusader @ gmail.com (just remove those spaces around the "@"!). Or if you're looking for some literature on the subject, I recommend reading "Just Let The Kids Play; How to Stop Other Adults From Ruining Your Child's Fun and Success in Youth Sports" by Bob Bigelow.

In closing, please remember that I'm referring primarily to children aged 12 and under here. I could do multiple articles on how things change as kids grow older in sport, but if I do it definitely won't be this week!

The Power is Yours!

--JBo

JBo Knows: Acceptable Behaviour in Sports

Good Monday to all of you out in cyberspace! Today is a momentous day indeed, one that is marked on many a calendar. One that is dreaded by some yet frantically anticipated by others. Truly, the very heavens themselves will shake and the firmament below will shudder!

The kids are back in school!

What, did you think I was going to use that build-up to herald my first "official" post (if you don't count my intro)? Please, I'm more humble than that; I just felt like warming up with a little hyperbole. And with the hyperbole out of the way, let's move into the segue way; today, we're going to talk about parents in children's sports.

First, a little background on why you should even be bothered to pay attention to me on this topic. I started playing sports at the tender age of 5, and all through school I played nearly every sport that was available to me; soccer, badminton, curling, volleyball, basketball, and track (though admittedly I joined the track and field team to get out of school for a day) are all sports that I've competed in. These days I'm down to playing golf and curling regularly, but now I probably coach more than I play.

I started coaching when I was in Grade 7; my mother volunteered to coach my youngest brother's soccer team, then promptly turned to me and told me that I was running practices. Since then I've coached soccer, volleyball, badminton, and curling, and boy do I love it. I am also certified as a youth soccer and volleyball official (I've tried to repress the one time I was asked to referee basketball *shudder*).

Now, I may not be a parent, but as an athlete, coach, and referee I've seen lots of parents in action at a game. As an official and a coach I like to see parents out at games, supporting their kids (and in the event their child is injured they can take care of it instead of me!). To those parents that stretch out on and under blankets on the side of the field on a chilly day, who brought a cooler full of cold drinks for the whole team, who bravely volunteer their mini-van as a mini-bus, I salute you! To those that holler obscenities at the official, who berate the coach, and most disgustingly hound their children to attain the pinnacle of success they could never achieve, I'd ask you to sit down, be quiet, and listen up. Please.

First, let's start with the officials. Do you really think screaming your head off at the poor guy or gal with the whistle is going to help anything? Just because your omniscient, faultless vision spotted some infraction that the official didn't doesn't give you the right to scream it out to the heavens. A person in a black and white striped shirt is still a person. Picture this, if you will.

Boss: Johnson!

Johnson: Yes sir?

Boss: This memo you sent out has a typo! A TYPO! What kind of moron are you?!

Johnson: I'm sorry sir, what was the typo?

Boss: You spelt "colour" wrong! Where did this @#^$ "u" come from?!

Johnson: Actually sir, only Americans spell it without the "u".

Boss: Who are you to tell me how to spell Johnson?!

Johnson: I did minor in English Lit...

My point is this. Do you want someone to come into your office and scream at you for every perceived mistake you may or may not have made? I think not. And also remember, in most cases an official will have had to taken a training course to even be allowed to oversee a game. Unless you've had some sort of training, who are you to talk? I wouldn't try to tell my mechanic how to fix my car just because I have experience watching cars on the road.

Another practical reason for not screaming at an official is this; is it really going to help your team by angering the sole arbiter of the rules? Would you lecture the judge at a trial when your fate rests solely in her hands? I think not. With an inexperienced referee, sure, you might rattle them into serving your purpose, but with an experienced official they might just get annoyed and take it out on the team you're rooting for. If you're lucky they'll just eject you and continue to call the game impartially.

Did you know that there is a shortage of sports officials? Ever wonder why? This is purely my opinion, but I'm pretty sure the abuse officials take is a prime reason. Why should that kid reffing a Novice hockey game want to keep his whistle when the adults in the stand are screaming at him?

It basically boils down to this; if it's not acceptable off the ice/field/gym, why is it acceptable on?

Please understand, I'm not saying that everyone is cut out to be a good referee. There are some bad ones out there. But simply seeing how loudly you can correct them is not going to make them any better.

Wow, this is running long. I guess we're going to have to go ahead and make this puppy a 2-parter! Next time on Random Enlightenment, "JBo Knows: Acceptable Behaviour in Sports Part 2"!

Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel!

--JBo

--PS, if you want to know the answer to Sunday's question, highlight between here Perhaps most famous for playing both professional baseball and football, "JBo Knows" is derived from "Bo Knows" as associated with Bo Jackson! Growing up watching the Pro Stars cartoon, there was always an information segment entitled "Bo Knows". and here to see!

Real Friendship: Part 3

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.”
- Tennessee Williams

“True friends are the ones who never leave your heart, even if they leave your life for awhile. Even after years apart, you pick up with them right where you left off, and even if they die they're never dead in your heart.” - Anonymous

“The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friendship is something that is obviously important to everyone. Without friends, we begin to wither inside. We innately desire to share our experience with others, what Bill Hybels calls fellowship; "doing life together." So how do you know if someone is really your friend? I suspect it is different for each person. For me, it is involves four things:

1. Commitment/loyalty to the friendship.
2. Authentic sharing of how we are really doing.
3. Shared experiences.
4. Genuine caring for each other's welfare.

I was going to say chemistry too, but that is so subjective. It is important though, perhaps it is more of a prerequisite. Sometimes you meet someone and you just know that you'd like to be friends with them. So anyway, that's my list. What's on yours? By the way, the picture is of my son Riker and his good friend Calvin.

May Light increase!

Real Friendship: Part 2

“As iron sharpens iron so one friend sharpens another.” - Proverbs 12:17

Who you choose as your friends (and of course if they choose to be friends with you) will greatly influence who you become. For instance, who you are friends with will determine your income. Statistically, one’s income will usually not be more or less then 10% of one’s core friends. People tend to change themselves to be like those they hang around with. If you choose to become close with lazy people you will become lazy and if you choose to become close with hard workers, you will become a hard worker. The same goes for addictions, faith, political persuasion, sexual morality, personal health, etc. Truly we do sharpen (and dull) each other.

This is of course a generalization as it is possible to be rich and have poor friends or be on fire for God and yet be close friends with atheists. But such is always the exception and not the rule. Choosing friends wisely is important. What do you wish to become? Can you remain close friends with someone who is the opposite of what you wish to become? Sometimes difficult decisions need to be made on this front. One must see themselves honestly and ask themselves if they are strong enough to be true to themselves and their ideals and still remain friends with someone. If not, one must be willing to let that close friendship go.

This is problematic of course because two of the traits of friendship are loyalty and acceptance. How could you be a true friend and let the close friendship go? People go through stages of course and what if the friend is just going through one? I think this is valid and should be considered. But if after time you find the friend is not changing and you feel like you are sliding down to a place you don’t want to go, radical action is needed. It doesn’t always mean abandoning a friendship completely but it may mean moving a relationship from close to more casual. This is of course incredibly painful, but may be the necessary lesser of two evils.

Hmmm . . . this post got long. Am I making sense? Think I’m too callous here?

May Light increase!

Real Friendship: Part 1

I was talking to long lost friend at a wedding this past weekend. This guy was extremely authentic and though we don't know each other super well, was pretty real with me about how he was feeling towards God, people, and life in general. One of the things he said was that when it comes to friends he used to make the mistake of looking for quantity instead of quality. Now, he is looking for really good friends. Currently he's unsuccessful. I was touched by his open statement of longing for something good, but something that he doesn't have. It reminded me of talking to single people who have a real desire to find that special someone. They are ready and willing but that person hasn't appeared yet. It's beautiful and sad at the same time.

Anyway, this got me thinking about friendship. What is a truly good friend? When I say someone is my friend, what do I mean? At Olive Garden I hear people throw that term around quite a bit. But I wonder if there is huge lack of real friendship out there. Lots of acquaintances (quantity) but few people who you really know/let them know you (quality). Ask yourself (honestly) this questions: What is a true friend and do I have any? I think this a truly vulnerable place to go with oneself, it takes a lot of courage I think.

May Light increase!

Since It Worked For Me . . .

Have you ever noticed that if something has "worked" for someone that they will naturally hype it as "the solution" for everyone? I'll give you an example. Doing sit-ups helped someone I know cure their backpains. They are absolutely sure of this, so that when they hear of someone else experiencing back pain, they assume that it will work for them as well. "Have you tried sit-ups?"

In my counseling training I am learning that what works well for one counselor may not work well for the next one. Different theories, approaches, and techniques "work" for different people. Sometimes if I am watching a counseling video I think "Ah, you should try this because I did and it worked for me." Then I am shocked when they instead use something completely different and the person is really helped.

I call this principle "universalizing our experience." Whatever our experience is, we tend to project it onto others as being the best choice for them. Jobina and I planned our wedding and honeymoon a certain way. Since we thought that it was great, we highly recommend our way to everyone. Actually, to be honest I have caught us silently disproving of alternate ways of planning these events when engaged couples tell us about them. We kind of look at each other like "hopefully they'll come around." Or we get concerned and try to get them to consider some of the things that we considered. Getting people to emulate our experiences and approaches to things feels good to us. I will honestly admit that I am a sucker for that feeling.

The problem is that there are often more then one way to do something and sometimes our way which worked for us isn't going to work for someone else. Also, when we expect others to emulate us, we are subtly taking away their freedom to have even better experiences then us and in ways that suit them better. No where is this better illustrated then how we approach God. However it was that we felt that we have successfully connected with God, that is how everyone should approach God. If a quiet time in the morning is the best way for you to experience God, you will assume that it is the best for others. Or if going on solo retreats has been the best way for you to connect with God, you will try to "help" others do the same kind of thing. I think this universalizing our experience is natural, but it can often be destructive. I connect to God by being outdoors and by having long baths with just me, God, and my Bible. If I tell others that this is the way to connect with God (giving a universal prescription) but that approach doesn't fit the way God made them, they will be unsuccessful. This can lead to apathy, grief, despair, and disconnect from Christ. A great book which talks about this is Sacred Pathways.

So what ways do you push your experiences on others? Are they reacting negatively to it? I'm not saying that for everything anything goes (especially when it comes to medicine, theology, etc) but it is true that there is more then one way to skin a cat. Somehow we need to maintain our convictions and yet be open to other experiences then just our own. Good luck!

May Light increase!
Mark

The Johari Window

"Johari's Window" was one of the favorite games that we played at camp (my youth group liked it a lot too). The game involves spitting up the field into 4 quadrants, each with a stash of items and a team. The four teams then have to steal items from other quadrants while defending the items in their own quadrant. We discovered the game about 7 years ago and renamed it after the famous Johari Window which was part of our LiMiT team development training.

The Johari Window model of interpersonal processes (sometimes refered to as the "windows of growth") was developed by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham:

The theory is that in order to grow, we need to open our windows. To do this, one needs to take part in two important processes; feedback and self disclosure. To increase others understanding of you, you need to engage in self disclosure to expose one's hiddeness (or mask). To decrease one's blind spots one needs to receive feedback, information for growth that you are not aware of.

We can all benefit from sharing more of ourselves with others (the health benefits are enormous) and caring enough to share feedback with others. For a more of detailed explanation of Johari's window go here. And to try your very own Johari Window, go here.

May Light increase!

Authentic Living

Authenticity (being real) is something I value highly and yet it mostly seems to elude me. When I think of being authentic I see it as me being real with others. This usually involves not hiding my weaknesses or feelings. Today I realized that I've missed a big piece of it:

I need to be real with myself.

In other words, can I be honest with myself about who I really am? Shouldn't this be the starting point for being authentic with others? My spiritual director has been challenging me to accept my own poverty, and I think in our last session it finally sunk in. I realized somethings about myself that were truly . . . not good. Things about who I've been trying to be and why. I'm still processing it, and may share about it more in detail in a later post.

May Light increase.