Control Freak

Sometimes when I'm meeting with people they will tell me that their significant other (or kids) has told them they're a controller (or a control freak). Often they can't believe it - how could they say such a thing? Most people see themselves as caring very much for these people and they can't understand how their loved ones could see them this way. Perhaps you've had these labels applied to you?

When clients share this with me I like to help them to test if they are guilty of controlling or not. First of all, I help define controlling for them:

Controlling - using control behaviors.

Control behaviors - behaviors which are used to influence someone else's decision making, but in a way that does not respect their right to choose their own destiny (or without accepting the person's freedom to say no.) Control behaviors include demanding, angry outbursts, manipulating, guilting, pressuring, nagging, lecturing, bribing to control, silent treatment/withdrawing to control, etc.

Whenever we use these behaviors, not recognizing other people's rights to say no/choose their own actions, we are trying to control them. If we try to get them to change without controlling, it is influencing. People ALWAYS resent control behaviors. It is built into our DNA, we resist other people not respecting our freedom. When we trying to control others we damage our relationships with them, build resentment, and act in an unloving way towards them (control and love cannot go together). Because people make their own choices anyway (even if they feel controlled, they still choose their actions), control is always an illusion. You can't control anyway, so why try?

God doesn't control us . . . because he loves us. Control and love cannot co-exist. You can only control yourself (and that's really tough). We think controlling actions work but they don't. We may have someone go along with us in body, but not in their heart. And of course it's the heart that matters in the long run.

One of my clients has begun using this info on control at work (where he is a supervisor) and it is transforming his life. It's remarkable actually. He's way less stressed (and angry), has won the respect of his co-workers, and is teaching others. He's a recovering controller. Like me! My favorite control behavior to use was manipulation (makes sense coming from a counselor right?) but I've used them all. I pass on this info to others because it was very helpful for me. I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm recovering slowly. How about you?

Does Your Team Have The HOTS?

I recently read about the HOTS concept in the One Minute Millionaire (see my review here). HOTS stands for:

Hare - Creative Types, but bad at follow-through.
Owls - Planners and go-getters.
Turtles - Cautious Types who point out issues.
Squirrels - Details oriented person who get the job done.

(Want to know what kind of "animal" you are? Try this quick test and feel free to share if you agree or not in the comments).

The theory is that for a team of any kind to create success, the more balanced it is in these kind of personality types the better. Too much of one thing is not good. Each animal type one has it’s own strengths to leverage to make the team successful. For a more in depth description of the different animal type, check out this link. Then I invite you to take the quick quiz to see what kind of animal you are here. Interestingly enough, I am definitely a hare. I love ideas, brainstorming, creative challenges, out of the box thinking, etc.

What's also interesting is that while I am a hare, my wife is a turtle. While I love nothing then to brainstorm creative ideas (I find this fun), Jobina enjoys finding and pointing out potential problems in everything I come up with! We grappled with this early on in our marriage and while it was initially discouraging for me, I have come to peace with it. I now see it as an added challenge to come up with ideas that she can't easily crush - then I know they have some real potential! When I chose to see her "pointing-out-the-flaws" nature as a good way to make my idea generation even better then I became much happier. Interesting stuff! If you'd like to see how to apply this theory to your team, check out this chart.

Just Do It

Did you know that obesity is contagious? It's true. Hang around a lot of overweight people and the environment (the obese people) will have an impact on you. On the other hand, if you hang around people who are healthy and are making healthy changes then chances are you will be influenced to become healthy yourself. In the last month it seems that many of the people I know or who I read their blogs have been doing some great work to get healthier. Lots are feeling better, losing weight, and improving how they feel about themselves. This caused me to look at myself the other day and go, "Hmmmmm . . ."

I'm not terribly overweight but I am terribly out of shape. I have the stamina of a near dead sloth. Counselling is a great workout for the mind - but it's terrible for one's body. Basically I sit around a lot and it's taken it's toll on me.

Being in an environment where so many people are making changes to their health has put social influence on me to think about changes. So for the last week I've started running. Not far (or fast) mind you, but it's something. And I'm surprised but I'm actually enjoying it - and I miss it if I can't. My first goal was to do my little run without feeling chest pains! Today I achieved it for the first time. Here's a great video I saw the other day on Neatorama about someone who also decided to make a change. I hope it inspires you today:

The Money Tree

I found this interesting . . . and thought provoking. It reminded me of how people usually respond when I tell them that there are investments that make 25% a year (or how almost anyone who owns a home can own another one) - they just can't believe it. It takes an open person, someone not constricted to the ideas of what "should" or "can't be" to take advantage of the opportunities around them. And then after they see them . . . to take advantage of them. Great little experiment!

FaceBook A Big Hit With Narcissists, People With Low Self Esteem

What do you think, is this true?

Facebook a big hit with narcissists and people with low self-esteem: study

I must admit, I did enjoy reading the highlights of this to my wife!

Take A Pill - It Doesn't Even Matter Which One

What if the world was spending billions of dollars a year on something that for most people wasn't doing anything that a simple sugar pill could accomplish, yet had many difficult side effects?


Apparently, that is exactly what is happening. Check out this article. Oh yes, doctors are aware of it. The power of the placebo effect is astonishing . . .

Rip Off!

The other day I had my van (a 98 Toyota Sienna) in for service and the mechanic noticed that there was a leak in the power steering hose. OK, no big deal I said, how much would a new hose cost? The answer? $600!

Hmmmmmmm . . .

It turns out that only Toyota makes this hose (no aftermarket ones exist for this model) so then they charge an arm and a leg for it. Luckily, I could get the hose "reconditioned" for a much more reasonable $65 at a local hydraulics shop and so I did.

As I choked back my initial emotions I had to smile - I think a lot of people would have been tempted to react with outrage to the fact that Toyota would charge that much for a hose. Indeed, it seems kind of crazy. I imagined some responses:

"That's outrageous!"
"That's so wrong!"
"What a rip off!"
"What crooks!"

The problem with feeling injustice towards companies "ripping us off" is that we forget that everyone has freewill. Toyota can charge what the market will stand. They have the right to do that - it doesn't matter if it is logical or not. Others have the right to buy - or not. That is there right. To complain bitterly that a place is being unjust and "ripping me off" because they are charging a price I don't like is quite frankly intellectually immature. Is there some law saying they have to charge a price that is reasonable to you? (I didn't think so). As a proponent of choice theory, I recognize that agree that I can't control other people, I can only control myself (and that is difficult enough!).

It's normal to feel feelings of frustration and disappointment when a place charges more then we were expecting or wanting - these would be healthy negative emotions to experience. But when we start feeling outrage, rage, or depression then we can assume that something has twisted in our thinking. And whose responsibility is that? I'll give you a gentle hint: It's not the company or individual trying to sell you something! By challenging our thinking, we can learn to extend freedom to others, just as we want it extended to ourselves . . .

Love Languages

I was thinking today about what a friend told me once. He mentioned how his sister thought his Dad was a terrible person, emotionally unavailable (ex/never said "I love you"), and blamed her Dad for her dysfunctional series of relationships. My friend though thought his Dad was a pretty good father (though not perfect), appreciated him, and felt loved. How could there be such a difference of opinion between the two siblings? Did the Father treat his children completely differently?

Thinking about it today, I hypothesize that my friend and his sister had very different love languages. For instance if the woman's love language was words of affirmation or quality time, I could see why she would feel uncared for as the Father was a very busy businessman. And if the guy telling the story had a primary love language of gifts or acts of service then I could see why he generally felt loved by his Dad and confused about why his sister felt uncared for. But the truth is that in some ways a Dad could be great with one child and a disaster with another because of the reality of love languages. We tend to respond to love when it comes in certain guises and get little reward from it if it comes in others.

Reflecting on this story, I thought about my own children; am I going to be in the same situation one day where one of my children feels very loved and another hardly at all? I felt a strong need to find their love languages soon and began using them. I don't want any of my kids to feel uncared for. It's not a mystery; we all feel loved in different ways and it is up to us to find out what makes those closest to us feel loved. I think Riker's primary love language is touch and I think Trinity's is most likely time. Do you know what your kid's (if you have them) are? Or how about your spouse or parents? If you go to the work of finding out your loved one's love languages and start doing things that work with them, you will instantly increase the feeling of love those people get from you. It can feel quite "unnatural" to show someone love in a way that is not our primary love language (I know it is for me), but that is what love really is - a choice as well as feeling. Godspeed in meeting the love language needs of those you care for!

Are North Americans "Wimpy?"

I had an interesting conversation with a hairdresser today as she was cutting my hair. Although I procrastinate alot at getting hair cuts, I do like talking to hair dressers - you never know what they will talk about. Telling them I'm a counselor (which is usually followed by a long pause) often leads into interesting topics. Today we ended up talking mostly about men being abused by women (and if this was a reality in domestic violence) but then somehow we got into cross cultural differences. My hairdresser was a middleaged Filipino lady and she remarked that she was surprised when she came over to North America and encountered such things as "stress" and "depression." She told me that in her country these things were mostly unheard of. Her view was that in her country where everything was hard and people didn't have high expectations on getting whatever they wanted in life - depression and feeling stress were almost unknown.

I have heard this kind of thinking before. When we were talking with some people who had been overseas an on a beach when a Tsunami hit. I asked them if they were traumatized by the event; their near death and the deaths of so many people around them. "No, we're not North American's," they said. "We are used to suffering and know how to get through it." Of course there are undoubtedly many non-North Americans who get depressed and many North Americans who never get depressed but I wonder at the proclivity of certain cultures to suffer certain mental discomforts and illnesses more intensely. Apparently there is some research to back this up. My hairdresser pointed to the fact that in her culture people are more connected (especially in the form of family and thought this was why people managed stress and depression so much better. The research I previously linked to makes the exact same assertion. Interesting!

Medals and Happiness

Tonight Canada won two medals in Women's Bobsled, silver and gold. I can't imagine how exciting it must be win a medal in front of the world. Which makes one wonder; is an Olympian happier if they win Silver as opposed to Bronze? Well it turns out someone else was asking this question and apparently Bronze medal winning Olympians are actually the happier (on average) then silver medalists!

US academics at Cornell discovered the surprising truth while doing research during the '92 Olympics. It goes to show how important our desires and expectations are when it comes to winning. And how weak our human nature is.

Your Past Is Not Your Destiny

Have you heard this story before?

Two men were interviewed on television. They were twin brothers. One was very successful in every area of life – he was a great family man, successful entrepreneur, avid sportsman, and generous philanthropist. The other was a convicted felon, a wife beater, and a drug addict. When the TV host interviewed this brother, who was homeless and bitter, he was asked why his life was such a disaster. He replied, “Well, what do your expect? My parents were alcoholics, my mother was a prostitute, my father ended up in jail. We were poor and regularly beaten as children. That’s what caused my present situation.”

Then they interviewed the successful brother. They asked him what he attributed his success to. He replied, “Well, what do your expect? My parents were alcoholics, my mother was a prostitute, my father ended up in jail. We were poor and regularly beaten as children. I decided to create a better life for myself and my family.” One brother used the past as an excuse for his bad choices, the other used the identical situation to motivate him to be successful.

Some people come from terrible backgrounds. I know it because I have heard enough stories in my office that would truly break your heart. Yet as bad some people's past is, it does not define one's destiny. Everyone must deal with their past at some point and certainly it does affect one's future. Certain challenges accompany a past filled with pain, abuse, betrayal, or heartbreaking mistakes. But it does not define where one ends up. By facing one's past, processing the hurts, and choosing to move forward in faith one can change one's stars. You can't change the past, but the future is up to you. . .

Thou Dost Protest Muchly

Lately I've been reflecting on something. Kind of swishing it around in my brain. I have two children, ages 5 and 7 and sometimes they argue (OK, they argue quite a bit). I don't like to listen to it but lately I've heard the catchphrase "It's not fair!" repeated a lot. I felt this kind of "deja vu" feeling. Because I realized that I hear that phrase alot in my counselling office.

"It's not fair!" Whenever children (or adults start dropping this phrase), productive communication is just about done. The phrase drips with protest and a vague understanding of some universal but hidden (to the other person!) truth. When we suggest that something is not fair, what we are really meaning is "It's doesn't seem fair to me."

The problem is that fairness is totally subjective (subjectivity - judgment based on individual personal impressions and feelings and opinions rather than external facts ). By trying to label something as unfair, we attempt to show someone that the universal standard of "fair" has been broken and so we protest. But since fair is different for everyone, it almost never settles anything. We just argue over why my version of fair is truer then yours. Solutions rarely come out of such contests.

When we ask someone to submit themselves to our definition of fairness we are asking them to let go of their definition of fair and take on ours. That is why it is rarely successful (just come listen to my kids argue for awhile and you'll see this - or come listen to angry couples in therapy). And ven if we could all agree on what is fair, why must people act fairly? Or why must life be fair? Or even why must God be fair? Do you realize how crazy it is for us to expect other people/the world/God to be fair (by our unique definition)? It is madness, madness I say! People are flawed, so is the world, and God's definition of fairness is completely perfect and thus different then ours. Sure, it would be great if people/the world/God would treat us fairly (as we define it) but why must they? Is there a law written saying it ought to be so? Or were you promised such fairness at birth? I know I wasn't!

I think that we need to let go of using the word fair so easily. Like other unhelpful words ("must" and "should" come to mind) I am going to try pruning it from my vocabulary. I realize that the Bible does use the word fair a few times so I won't suggest getting rid of it completely, but few people seem to use it in a helpful way.

Here's a little test, the next time you hear someone fighting over something listen to hear if someone says "you're not being fair." And even if they don't say it out loud, they are probably thinking it. "You should be acting more fairly" (or something similar) is so often our silent argument that we ought to have it tattooed on our foreheads to save us time and energy! By focusing on how unfair things are, I have seen people become depressed, destroy their marriages, ruin their careers, and shipwreck their faith. This is very important: Life is not always fair. In fact, it can be very unfair. That's OK, with God's help and other's encouragement you can survive it. You can take it. And maybe, just maybe, even with all the unfairness you can still have a satisfying, enjoyable, and meaningful life. Go ahead, try and change what you can. But when you can't and life is unfair . . . accept your reality and move on.

A Thought About Happiness

"Wise men through the ages have stated that we are only really happy when we are true to our deepest convictions. The joy and peace experienced when you refuse to bend before any master, witch doctor, trickster, or bully can only be understood by those brave enough to have done so."
-Robin J. Elliott

Do you think this is true? Is happiness all about living in congruence with our deepest convictions?

Deep Thoughts On Dirty Jobs

I guarantee that you will learn something you never knew before from the above video of Mike Rowe. Rowe is the host of the Discovery show "Dirty Jobs" and is a surprisingly thoughtful speaker. In this TED talk from last December, he talks about people with dirty jobs, questioning one’s assumptions, the nature of hard work, and the "war on work." He also talks about sheep genitals. Enjoy!

Colour Blind

As a counselor, I help people identify the unhelpful/irrational/untrue/illogical beliefs that cause them to experience negative emotional and behavioral reactions. Often we use faulty thinking to come to bad conclusions about ourselves, others, and the world that then severely impact our relationships. Depression, anxiety, and a myriad of relationship problems are all directly connected to our human ability to misperceive things.

Anyway, we learn these things from somewhere and one source of irrational beliefs is from our parents. I was reflecting yesterday on my parents and the things I learned from them about people of color. I was kind of amazed to realize that I do not have a single memory of even one derogatory comment they made about someones skin color or race. Not even one! As far as I can remember I don't think they ever mentioned anything about anyone's skin color ever. Of course they may have made some comments and probably they have some biased beliefs that I don't know about, but even if they do - the fact that I can't remember any seems to be unusual. For them it just wasn't an issue and without trying or being intentional at all they passed onto me a fairly helpful belief; people's skin color is a non-issue.

I have spoken to many friends who did not have a similar experience. They grew up hearing comments about people of different races that were subtly or outwardly antagonistic. Racial jokes and stereotypes right up to racial slurring - or worse. As a child listening to such comments you are affected by them - your first beliefs about those different from you are formed. My parents weren't perfect (as all parents aren't) but I'm very thankful and proud of them for not passing on any racial biases to me. It makes me wonder what my kids will learn from me . . . hopefully they will get a similar message.

I realize that not all people may agree that being color blind in terms of race is a good idea. In one of my cross-cultural classes our professor argued that my lack of racial "awareness" was a liability (as I couldn't feel empathy for those who's racial background makes them subjects of discrimination and powerlessness). What do you think? Not sure I fully agree with that. Yet, I still like the idea of basically treating people the same, no matter what their racial background is. By the way, the painting at the top is called "Color Blind" by artist Habib Ayat.

The Terrible Shock

Carl Jung said, ‘To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock.’ It’s hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception. But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite– a differentiated life, lived with integrity. Tears of recognition and relief often flow with the dawn of self-awareness.

But while the truth will set you free, remember the psychologist Erich Fromm’s observation of humankind’s attempt to escape from such freedom. The truth is liberating– but only when you have the courage to live it.

-from David Schnarch’s "Passionate Marriage"

I read this today on nakedpastor.com and it kind of stuck in my mind. I too have felt the terrible shock of newfound self-awareness. Sometimes it is beautiful, other times terrifying, and occasionally life changing. Ever had such an experience?

I can think of two times right off the back. Once was Jobina sharing with me something about the way I treated her - something I hadn't wanted to see in myself. Another time was while reading "The Shack" in Belize - and realizing a big part of my heart that I was ignoring. I liked the above quote because it ties the importance of self-awareness with action. Action is essential for self-awareness to be worth anything. As a counselor I help people come to new levels of self-awareness often. Some clients are simply surprised and others feel struck by it. I find that what is most important is not how emotional such awareness makes them, but whether the awareness sparks them towards action or not. All the self-awareness in the world is useless if it doesn't help us to act, to change. My wish for us all is that we will dare to be honest with ourselves and after we have done so, we will act . . . and grow.

Living With Our Mistakes

When I was a camp director, I felt like I did a pretty decent job. But one mistake I made haunted me for a long time. It was the last day of camp and we were and we were just about finished the end-of-season clean up of the facility. I was with my assistant director and a group of guys who were taking refuse to the garbage dump. We had a really heavy little trailer loaded up with things but when we got to the gates of the dump they were closed and locked. Our little trailer was quite heavy but some of the guys came up with the bright idea of picking it up and lifting it over the gate. My first instinct was that this was too dangerous but I waffled. We were so close to being done and to wait for someone to track down the key (or to unload the trailer, throw it over, and reload it) seemed like an eternity. Everyone was in a terrible hurry to get it done. My assistant director chimed in "Let's just do it." Against my better judgment I agreed and we tried to lift it over.

The first time we tried I realized the trailer was much heavier then I thought and it scared me to think what could happen. At that moment I wish I had put a stop to it but I didn't. On the second try we just about had it over when something slipped. Suddenly a sharp piece of metal slashed my hand as myself and our maintenance man for the week tried to catch it. I heard a scream and noticed that the maintenance guys fingers were drenched in blood and a few looked half severed. My own hand was dripping blood as well and I felt panic rising in me. A few minutes later the nurse came by (an incredible blessing) and we asked her to patch up our man's hand as best as she could and rush him to the hospital. Then I sat down and promptly passed out (at least that is what I was told, I don't honestly remember).

Back at the camp I was sitting, still in shock over what had happened and getting my hand patched up and I remember feeling a powerful wave of regret and anguish come over me. I felt so terrible for what I had allowed to happen that I was momentarily overwhelmed with the burden of it. My staff person Dayna was there to offer support and encouragement but I could barely hear it. I was already into full-blown blaming and self-loathing. I had made a terrible mistake and someone else had suffered for it.

It took me a couple of months before I fully forgave myself for my lapse in judgment - my failure to stop what my gut told me was too risky an action. When something like that happens to you, you start to beat yourself up. Strange and toxic thoughts get stuck in your mind, things like "I deserved for this to happen," "I'm a failure", or "I'm incompetent." Eventually I had to dispute and challenge these thoughts. With the help of friends and family, I tested these beliefs and found them to be . . . lies. I trusted in God for his grace and chose to forgive myself. I had to accept my imperfection and move on. It was hard work but with it came freedom.

Is that where you are? Are you beating yourself up over some terrible mistake you made? If so, I encourage you not to keep your struggle to yourself. Share it with someone and expose the secret to the light of truth. Everyone makes mistakes, don't hold onto them longer then you need to.

Depression Linked To Processed Food?

Back when I did my one month vegetarian experiment I told people that I felt better when I wasn't eating meat. It was hard to explain - yes my stomach felt better and I had more energy but then today when I read this article, I was able to flesh out that feeling better. I think that when I was eating more vegetables I actually felt better in my mind and spirit - more positive. I think that what you eat can really affect your mood and research seems to back it up. Some people are more sensitive to diet then others but if you are struggling with some depression or anxiety, why not try improving things by changing your diet? If you are really crazy add some exercise and discipline yourself to sleep more and I guarantee you will feel a difference. Has changing your diet ever helped you feel better?

Operant Conditioning: Office Style

Women's Tendency To "Poach"

I found this intriguing: A new study, published in the current issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology shows that most single women actually prefer men who are already in a committed relationship.

Men and women were matched with students based on a description of their ideal romantic partner. When researchers described the women's match as single, 59 percent of the single women in the study were interested in pursuing him. However, when they described the exact same man as being in a committed relationship, 90 percent of the women were interested. Neither the men nor the already attached women who participated showed this preference. Only the single women.

Is it just me, or is this incredibly disturbing?

Past psychological studies have shown that some women may try to lure a man away from his current partner, a phenomenon known as 'mate poaching.' One 2004 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggested that as many as one in five long-term relationships began when one or both partners was already in a relationship with someone else.