100%

We had a really amazing lady present in our church today. Her name is Marie Enns and she is a lifelong missionary in Cambodia. I've always been interested in Cambodia - it was the first place I tried going overseas and although the trip fell through I've always felt an affinity with it. Marie has a huge ministry there ministering to hundreds - taking in families devastated by AIDS, receiving children who've been abandoned, rescuing women (and sadly) children from the sex trade, helping the elderly, and so many other things. This woman was amazing - her love for the people, Jesus, and life is contagious. She is an extremely competent and faithful woman - the kind who is rare and inspiring. Kind of a Mennonite version of Mother Theresa.

Check out Marie's website here.

Anyway, Marie said something today that kind of blew my mind. She was talking about the problem of AID's in the population and how quickly it spread. She said this:

"100% of Cambodian men use prostitutes."

I was completely shocked. Could this be true (or even close)? It seems unbelievable. But apparently widespread acceptance of prostitution is a part of the culture. I did some research and apparently over 30% of 13 year old boys have slept with a prostitute and 90% of Cambodian men in university use prostitutes A few other quotes:

"Cambodian men are quite ready to admit that they seek the favours of prostitutes, even though they may be married and have two or three girlfriends on the side. It has become very much a part of life. For many Cambodian men, giving his friend a treat means taking him to a brothel. Men who decline such favours are looked upon as unusual, even abnormal."

Leela Barrock, "'Golden Flowers' a Thriving Trade," Business Times (Malaysia), Oct. 14, 1996

"...[L]ocal demand for prostitutes is estimated to contribute between 49 to 70 per cent of the demand for commercial sex in Cambodia. A 'high demand for virgins from Cambodian men fuelling the flow of underage girls into Cambodia's sex trade' was also cited as a concern...

There is a persistent belief among Cambodian men that sleeping with a virgin has rejuvenating powers and can even cure HIV/Aids."

"Locals Fuelling Child Prostitution," Straits Times (Singapore)/Agence France-Presse (AFP), Oct. 7, 2010

(Worldwide prostitution stats: click to enlarge)

As both a Christian and a counselor I cannot imagine how terrible the results are of such evil. An entire country where the vast majority of men use prostitutes? The mental, spiritual, physical, and relations effect on the people (men, women, and especially children) is unfathomable. Marie mentioned the children and women she met having "dead eyes" and I believe it. It is common in Cambodia for families to sell their daughters into sexual slavery and for men to sexually exploit women and children. It makes me ill to think of this but this is the shocking reality.

The work of people like Marie Enns is just a drop in the bucket, but for every woman or child that she rescues from a life of exploitation and hopelessness she is literally saving them from death. Besides protection, her ministry offers healing, hope in Christ, and love. My hope is someday to see her ministry in Cambodia with my own eyes and get involved. In the meantime I ask you to pray for the people of Cambodia who live in such darkness and ask God to raise up more Marie's to go and make a difference.

Sex Speak

Tonight I'm speaking at a youth group in Steinbach. A few months ago I told one of my old youth group students that I enjoyed talking to teens about sex. She remembered that and now I'm speaking! Although this is a favorite speaking topic for me, I'm currently not feeling very "lead" in what to say. And so I'm procrastinating on my preparation. I have the rest of the afternoon so hopefully I'll come up with something soon. I have old talks but I feel like something was missing from them. This kind of wrestling before speaking is nothing new for me but it rarely fun. Anyway, if you think to pray for me (and you are one who prays of course) I'd appreciate it!

Speaking In A Foreign Land

Today I'm speaking at Maranantha Evangelical Free Church here in Winnipeg. I have never been to this church in my life and only yesterday found out where it is located. Why am I speaking there? Because I went to Bible College with the pastor and made the mistake of innocently sharing his Bible College nickname with someone from his board. OK, maybe it wasn't totally innocent. Needless to say I owed him one! Going into a church "cold," where you have no idea what they are like, how many of them there are, what their culture and personality is like, etc. is always exciting and scary at the same time. Dave (the pastor) refused to give me any information - undoubtedly to make it more difficult for me. Strangely I haven't felt any nervousness about speaking until this morning. So if you are checking your blogs in the morning and you are the praying type, please feel free to pray for me. The service starts at 11:00pm . . .

Teulon Youth Speak

Tonight I did a little Valentine's speak at a youth group's Valentine's banquet. It was the first time doing any sort of youth teaching time in several years and I was actually quite nervous, especially since they were grades 6-12 and most of them were unchurched. Definitely not an easy group to prepare for! Crafting the speak was incredibly difficult on me and I wasn't at all impressed by the end product. Not only that but Jobina couldn't come with me so I went to Tuelon all alone. My speak was mediocre but I had a lot of fun just hanging out with the students (and with one of my former students who helped lead the group). I found myself disarmed by these kids and very much wanting to hang out and minister to them. I actually starting thinking about how I miss doing youth ministry - something I haven't felt in a while. Although I was stressing out about this particular engagement I believe that God really wanted me to do it and I felt his blessing on my heart. It's funny, it was way more stressful preparing and anticipating speaking to a group of 25 students then it is to speak to a church of 150. Yet I am so glad I went through with it. I honestly consider myself to be a mediocre at best speaker but I still get invitations to speak every now and then. I think maybe it's God keeping me on my toes by getting me out of my comfort zone.

As a former youth pastor it is always a special blessing to see one's past students now leading and involved in ministry of their own. It's seeing the fruit of your labour bearing fruit of it's own and it's quite exciting. I pray for my old students that they will get to have the same blessing. Very cool!

Group Connection Ideas

Our small group met last night, our third meeting so far. We are still kind of in the that stage where everyone is trying to figure out what's happening and what we are going to be about. Even though I have given a vision of "just doing life together" my sense is that most people don't really believe it and want you to prove it. Question: How do you get people to bond, to share, to be vulnerable and real? After all, this desire to know and be known is strong within all us. From my experience as a leader I have found there are a few things that often work:

1. Ask the Magic Question. Just having a sharing time as part of a meeting or get together is usually not enough to get people who are not used to being real with each other to suddenly become so. At some point, someone has to ask what I call the Magic Question: "How are you doing?" If you don't ask this question (or a derivative of it), little will probably happen. This question is magic because it challenges people to share where they really are. We asked this question for the first time last night and I could tell people were uncomfortable with it. There was a long silence and the the person who was going to answer struggled at first to find the words. But after a moment or two he began and shared some real and important things. It was real, it was powerful, it was actual "sharing." Something changed in the room and in the group. "Aha," I thought, "now we are getting somewhere!" Asking the Magic question in a safe environment is the quickest way to create deepness, bonding, and emotional connection between people. Tip: don't make this question a demand, but rather an invitation. Give people an out ("share if you wish or pass if you don't want to").

2. Ask someone to share a testimony. Sharing/hearing a person's life story (especially faithwise) is another way to get people to feel emotionally connected as a group and engaged with each other. Since by our nature most of us are protective about sharing our "stuff" with each other, to hear someone else do so helps us connect with the speaker and with the rest of our group. The other day in church we had a sharing time (unusual for us) and as people shared their victories and struggles you could feel the bonding strengthen in the room. Something very different was felt that day - a new connection with others. Tip: Making time for testimonies in meetings and groups may seem like a less efficient use of time and making it is difficult for many to prioritize it (especially if your meeting is only an hour or so). But I find that intense sharing/testimonies actually increase the productivity of a group over the long run. Ask people who are more authentic to share first - they'll set the mood and be an example for others.

3. Shared intense experiences. The word fellowship means "common sharing" and nothing induces bonding more then doing intense, memory-making activities together. What makes something intense? A few things come to mind: people are out of their comfort zones, emotions are elevated, the task is difficult, it is out of the ordinary, risk is involved in some way. The LiMiT team training I used to do would quickly bond groups because they combined all of these factors. Tip: Don't try to overplan such experiences, instead plan an intense activity that has the potential for good things to happen and then let it go where it will. The trick is that the activity will be in the "sweet spot," not so intense that it terrifies people and turns them against you nor too easy that people are not challenged.

These are just a few of my ideas, but I'd love to hear from you what helped bond your group together and what happened to help people be real and vulnerable with each other. Ever been stuck in a group that just couldn't seem to share? What were your best and worst connection experiences?

Only In His Home Town

Jesus said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor." - Mark 6:4

Ah fate - so interesting. Tomorrow I speak in my my home town, in the church of my youth. Please, if you think to, pray for me! And have a great Sunday . . .

Speakage (Part 2)

Well, tomorrow I'm speaking in Mennville again. Unusually, I am not feeling that stressed and I feel like I at least have the makings of a decent speak (usually I do most of my sermon prep the night before). Feel free if you are the praying type to pray for me; my sermon prep, delivery, etc. My speak is tentatively titled "How To Deal With Annoying Christians."

Is Your Church Man-Friendly?

I was working at Turning Point the other day (where I do some contract counselling) and saw an old issue of "New Man Magazine," the official magazine of Promise Keepers. Now I'm not a big PK guy, but I was bored and the cover looked interesting so I picked it up. Inside there was an article called The Unsafe Life which was about men, risk, and living as a Christian man. One thing that immediately caught my attention was the following:

"It's a life that requires kingdom risks, standing up for righteousness, having a confrontational side and a willingness to lay down your life for God, family and beliefs. Listen to a growing number of Christian men's ministry leaders and they'll tell you such a life is not only biblical, but it's also crucial to a man's well being.

The only problem? Men won't hear that message at most local churches. In fact, the leaders New Man spoke with say far too many churches promote a quiet, non confrontational life that tells men to be passive and nice. It's a message that commonly accompanies an unbiblical portrait of Jesus as a weak and mild Savior. Such teaching, leaders say, is like man-repellent and hurts the church as badly as it does men."

The article goes on to say that the Church emphasizes the gentle, loving, kind virtues of Jesus (which are fantastic) but when it misses other virtues such as boldness, righteously angry, courageous, obeying sacrificially, etc, we are missing out on other important parts of the Gospel that resonate with men. The also note that sermons and especially worship reflect this dynamic and put off a lot of men who find it difficult to only connect with the "nice" side of Christ and ministry.

I have actually been thinking about this idea for awhile. Is the church/my church/your church not man-friendly? I think there is some truth to this. I often feel that church is too nice. Perhaps this is why man churches are having difficulty engaging men into leadership and ministry. Is it possible the church is missing men's hearts and emasculating the Gospel? Is our music and teaching (style and content) more appealing to women (and offputting to men)? I'm curious to hear what other people think about this topic.

P.S. Here's some tips (pdf) on how to make your service man-friendly.

May Light increase!

Desperate

In my counseling I often come across people who's relationship with their spouse is in serious jeopardy. Their spouse doesn't feel love towards them anymore; perhaps because of an affair, abuse, neglect, whatever. Their spouse is done and wants a divorce. Suddenly they realize that the relationship is in peril and they wake up to the danger. Hoping to win the person back, they pursue the person desperately, that is with desperate behaviors. Unfortunately when someone feels nothing towards you anymore, this kind of pursuit rarely helps you - especially in the long term. Feeling sorry for someone is not helpful to breathe new life into a relationship!

Here's why desperate doesn't work: it's not attractive and it doesn't usually have long term results. Who wants to be with a desperate person? We want to be with someone because we want to be with them. So why do we use desperate behaviors on people? My theory is that:

1. It's learned by watching others. If others do it, shouldn't we?
2. It often works - but only in the short term. It never puts off the inevitable.
3. We don't know what else to do. We panic!

We see desperate acting people all the time (and I fully admit that in general I have been there). . What desperate spouses don't realize is that their desperation often is the final nail in the coffin - it turns off the other spouse completely and reinforces their negative views of the other. Often it is also felt as manipulation (crying, begging, moping, seeking reassurances, being clingy) - and I don't know anyone who wants to be manipulated. We all have a desire to rebel against manipulation - we either do it externally or internally. Sometimes we think that the more desperate we appear to our spouse the more inclined they'll be to take us back but an angry or withdrawn spouse doesn't want that pressure and will often rebel against it.

People want the freedom to make choices; whether it is with having another go at a marriage, teaching Sunday school, or supporting a child in Africa. Are there cases where some sort of desperate reaction is acceptable and understandable? Absolutely. But when we try to use desperation to get what we want with something that is not a total emergency we lose respect with those we are trying to impress. As a camp director, the best advice on recruitment I ever got was to "stop sounding desperate" (Thanks Tim Reimer). If you use this strategy on people, ask yourself - are you long term getting the results you crave? My guess is you aren't. Maybe its time to switch strategies?

May Light increase!

P.S. The image is The Desperate Man, by Gustave Courbet.

Speaking Today

I've been invited to do speak for a Valentine's Day banquet in the sprawling metropolis of Morweena. As usual I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to talk about and a bit nervous. What is unusual is that Jobina is going to speak with me! If you are the praying type, please pray for us. Our speak is tentatively titled "From Incompatible to Irresistible."

The Power of One-On-One

Once upon a time when I was a young punk youth pastor I got a call from my senior pastor. "Hey Mark, how's it going?" he asked. "Good Ernest," I replied and wondered what he wanted. "I've got some time today," he said, "how about we go out for coffee?" Immediately I said yes. Ernest was a busy guy (as most pastors are) and for him to take time to just spend with me was . . . well . . . special. In fact in the several years I had worked with him it had only happened a handful of times. I cherished those times and looked forward to it.

Finally the time came for him to pick me up (in his old 80 something yellow Ford Truck). When I hopped in we started driving and then he casually said "Oh by the way, I've asked ______ if he would like to join us today. You don't mind do you?" "Um, sure, no problem," I said. But when I thought about it later I realized that yes, I had actually minded. I was disappointed that I didn't get that one-one-one time with him that he had implied we would have. And even worse I realized that I had done the exact same thing to the students in my youth ministry many times. Ouch!

Later as a camp director we had decided that we were going to change the way we interacted with our staff at camp. Following the LiMiT style of camp leadership, we began to make sure that all of our counselling staff got to meet with someone from the director team for at least 40 minutes, once a week. We were worried that this kind of "program" approach to connecting and discipleship would be too awkward and formal and we prepared to meet with some resistance. To our surprise no one objected and most of the staff strongly appreciated these times. Staff conflict went down, staff morale and performance went up. I think we can safely say there is a strong hunger for us to meet with those who we look up to, care for, or want to learn from. And we want do it one-on-one.

One-on-ones are the secret ingredient for success in so many ventures. It is the essence of dating, the glue of marriage, the heart of parenting, and the soul of mentoring. If a relationship is in conflict, meeting one-on-one is the start of the solution and regular one-on-one's keep relationship's from going there in the first place. Quality one-one-ones help people to feel cared for, known, and valued. I have a friend with whom I have been an unofficial mentor for over 12 years. I saw him this Christmas. First we hung out in a family gathering style context but eventually it was getting late. I asked him if he wanted to go for a drive and he jumped at the opportunity. Just the two of us, we drove and talked for several hours about all sorts of life, relationship, and spiritual things. My time and presence was the greatest gift I could give him. And I enjoyed it immensely as well. It felt like I had accomplished something worthwhile.

Two challenges here: First, is there someone close to you that could benefit from a quality one-on-one? Your spouse, one of your kids, a friend, or maybe someone looking for some guidance? Why not give them the gift of your time and presence?

Secondly, is there someone you know who you would love to spend time with? Why not ask them specifically if you could go for coffee/a hike/a drive with them? Sometimes we sulk, waiting around for those we love and appreciate to spend time with us. Maybe we need to take action and make the first move? This post is just a little reminder. For myself and maybe for others: Life is busy but we need to make the time to connect with people one-on-one. Almost nothing else will make a stronger impression on them.

Yikes!

Today I preach at 10:00am and as usual feel under-prepared, ungifted, etc. Feel free to pray for me! Thanks.

UPDATE: Thanks for everyone who prayed for me, it went better then I thought it would. I was pretty nervous and quite rusty but I managed to get it done. If you have time on your hands and want to listen to it you can find it our church's website here.

Christmas Letter From Jesus

I'm preparing (or rather procrastinating on preparing) a sermon for this Sunday. I dislike preaching on several levels (my favorite part of preaching is when it is over!) but I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone and help my church - it's hard to find someone to preach the Sunday before Christmas. My sermon title is tentatively called "Addicted to Christmas?" Feel free to pray for me as I feel woefully under-equipped for this task! Anyway, although I have managed to avoid this important task all but a few times, the times I have preached seem to all be around Christmas. While looking over some old stuff I found this fictional letter from Jesus. I don't think I'm going to use it this Sunday so I thought I'd post it here:


Hello dear friend!

Well, as you know, it's time for my birthday again. Last year, they had a real big party for me and it seems like they will again this year. After all, they've been shopping and preparing for it for months now, and there have been announcements and advertisements almost everyday about how soon it's coming! They really do go overboard about it, but it's nice to know that at least on one day of the year some people are thinking about me a little.

You know, its been many years now since they first started celebrating my birthday. Back then they seemed to realize and appreciate how much fun it is for the little children. Just the same, it seems that most folks are missing the point of it all.

Like last year, for example: When my birthday came around, they threw a big party, but can you believe it?... I wasn't even invited! Imagine! The guest of honor, and they forgot all about me! Here they had begun preparing for the festivities two months in advance, but when the big day came, I was left out in the cold! Well, it has happened so many times in recent years, I wasn't even surprised. Even though I wasn't invited, I thought I'd just quietly slip in anyway. So I came in and stood off to the side.

Everyone was drinking, laughing and having a grand time, when all of a sudden, in came this fat fellow in a bright red suit, wearing a phony white beard and shouting, Ho ho ho! He looked like he had more than enough to drink, but he somehow managed to weave his way running around the floor while everyone cheered. When he collapsed into a big armchair, all the little children went running over to him excitedly yelling, Santa! Santa! I mean, you'd have thought he was the guest and the whole holiday was in his honor!


Finally I just had to leave, I walked out of the door, and it was hardly surprising that no one even noticed that I had gone. As I walked down the street afterward, I felt about as lonely and forlorn as a stray dog! I could hardly remember the last time I'd felt that low. Maybe you don't think I cry.....

Another thing that amazes me is how, on my birthday, instead of giving me presents, most people give gifts to each other! And to top it all off, it's usually all kinds of stuff they don't even need! Let me ask you, wouldn't you find it odd if when your birthday came along, all your friends decided to celebrate it by giving each other presents and never gave you a thing?

Someone once told me, Well, it's because you're not around like other people are, so how can we give you a present? You know my answer to that one: Then give gifts of food and clothing to the poor, help those who need it. Go visit the lonely! I said, Listen, any gift you give to your needy fellow men, I'll count as if you gave it to me personally!

Much Love,

JESUS

Handling The Reins

Many moons ago I was a first year College man (boy?) at Briercrest. I decided when I came home for the summer to try one week as a camp counselor. Keep in mind that I was a terribly shy and awkward person. So though my boyhood camp was Beaver Creek Bible Camp, I decided to spend the week at Camp Arnes. Why you ask? Basically, I wasn't sure if I could be a camp counselor and I didn't want to screw up badly or embarrass myself on my old stomping grounds. If I was to mess up, I wanted to do it where I was unknown!

My experience at Camp Arnes that week was nothing short of amazing on every level. It was one of the highlights of my life. Someday I will perhaps try to share more about the experience but lets just say God confirmed to me among other things that I could "do" camp ministry! I learned so much that week. One important lesson I learned was about dealing with campers. It's a leadership lesson that transfers over to many other aspects of life including business, parenting, employment, partnerships, etc.

Naomi Green was a member of my youth group and a little older then me. She was a veteran counselor at Arnes and when she found out that I was trying counselling she gave me some advice. "Don't try to be their best friend at first," she said. "Most beginning counselors (I did) make the mistake of doing everything they can to be liked and they are lax in their rules and discipline. Once they realize their mistake they then spend the rest of the week trying to get respect and obedience out of their resistant campers. Don't do that! Start out on the stricter side. Be friendly but firm. When they test you at first, give strong consequences and don't falter. Earn their respect first and then you can loosen the reins later on. It's a lot easier to be strict first and relax the reins later on in the week then it is to start off lax and try to increase your strictness as you move on."

I took her at her word and had a wonderful week with my kids. I laid out my boundaries and when they tested them, they found out I was serious about them. As the week went on I relaxed things. At the end of the week my campers loved and respected me (and I them). We had so much fun! Later when I became a camp director I tried to teach this principle in staff training. I got to see the truth of this principle repeated week after week. When counselors ignored our advice they usually paid the price (burn out, frustrated kids, etc)! I take the principle into leading teams and parenting as well. Better to start off strict and loosen up the reins if you wish as time goes on. I think it's easier on everyone that way. You should put at least as much energy into discipline and earning respect as you do into connecting and building relationship.

Agree or disagree?

Honesty Talk

My first year at Beaver Creek Bible Camp as an assistant director was a notable one. I was hired to be the assistant but because Larry the director only made it to camp a few days before camp, I had to do all the preparation for it! Needless to say it was quite the experience: recruiting, planning, procuring stuff, etc. We had a good summer and the next summer Larry declined to be the director. With many promises of "we'll be with you all the way" from the board I fearfully took over his position. Although I was far from the perfect director I must say off all the camp positions I've had, being a director was the one I enjoyed the most.

Back to Larry. Larry was a people oriented, charismatic, up-front kind of leader. I learned many things from him but the most useful was probably that of "the talk." I remember him gathering our leadership team together in the office late one night and telling us it was time to have an honesty talk. Instead of talking about camp business in an impersonal way, he basically challenged us to talk honestly about how we were each doing with being and serving at camp. He wanted us to share how we were being impacted by each other. I remember it being quite awkward at first and then eventually everyone got . . . vulnerable. There was much honesty shared: especially about frustrations with each other and with what was happening at camp. Tears were shed. By the end of that conversation though we all felt more understood and real with each other and we put an action plan into place to deal with some of thing things that had finally been spoken out loud. I was amazed at this process and have tried to practice it myself as a leader and teach it to other leaders. This past summer as I was doing some consulting for the camp's new leadership team I took them through an honesty talk and I could tell as fears, frustrations, etc. were spoken out loud that something special happened there. "Stuff" builds up and although on great teams honesty happens all the time, sometimes we need to go out of our way to have a time to release our pent up secret frustrations, thoughts, and feelings. It gives us a chance to work some things out as well as let people in on where we are emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. An added benefit is that in my opinion teams that choose to be consistently honest with each other are more productive, accomplish more in less time, and find their work much more fulfilling (and less stressful). That's my observation anyway.

We don't usually want or choose to be that honest with people but sometimes it is essential. And it's not just for leadership teams either. A few nights ago Jobina and I were awake late at night and there was some awkwardness that had been building for awhile. I sensed this and took a deep breath and (without calling it an honesty talk) took a risk. I started being really honest with her about some issues we were facing and how I was feeling about it. Although scary, we ended up having a really good talk (Jobina was honest about her "stuff" too) and I felt so much better after it. When two or more people choose to lovingly be vulnerable and honest, when they get things off their chest, when they expose their secret thoughts and feelings - amazing things happen. Just try it.

May Light increase!

P.S. I chose the skydiving image because to me it captures the risk and the rush involved with choosing to be honest with someone. You've got to jump out of the plane to experience the thrill!