The Power of One-On-One

Once upon a time when I was a young punk youth pastor I got a call from my senior pastor. "Hey Mark, how's it going?" he asked. "Good Ernest," I replied and wondered what he wanted. "I've got some time today," he said, "how about we go out for coffee?" Immediately I said yes. Ernest was a busy guy (as most pastors are) and for him to take time to just spend with me was . . . well . . . special. In fact in the several years I had worked with him it had only happened a handful of times. I cherished those times and looked forward to it.

Finally the time came for him to pick me up (in his old 80 something yellow Ford Truck). When I hopped in we started driving and then he casually said "Oh by the way, I've asked ______ if he would like to join us today. You don't mind do you?" "Um, sure, no problem," I said. But when I thought about it later I realized that yes, I had actually minded. I was disappointed that I didn't get that one-one-one time with him that he had implied we would have. And even worse I realized that I had done the exact same thing to the students in my youth ministry many times. Ouch!

Later as a camp director we had decided that we were going to change the way we interacted with our staff at camp. Following the LiMiT style of camp leadership, we began to make sure that all of our counselling staff got to meet with someone from the director team for at least 40 minutes, once a week. We were worried that this kind of "program" approach to connecting and discipleship would be too awkward and formal and we prepared to meet with some resistance. To our surprise no one objected and most of the staff strongly appreciated these times. Staff conflict went down, staff morale and performance went up. I think we can safely say there is a strong hunger for us to meet with those who we look up to, care for, or want to learn from. And we want do it one-on-one.

One-on-ones are the secret ingredient for success in so many ventures. It is the essence of dating, the glue of marriage, the heart of parenting, and the soul of mentoring. If a relationship is in conflict, meeting one-on-one is the start of the solution and regular one-on-one's keep relationship's from going there in the first place. Quality one-one-ones help people to feel cared for, known, and valued. I have a friend with whom I have been an unofficial mentor for over 12 years. I saw him this Christmas. First we hung out in a family gathering style context but eventually it was getting late. I asked him if he wanted to go for a drive and he jumped at the opportunity. Just the two of us, we drove and talked for several hours about all sorts of life, relationship, and spiritual things. My time and presence was the greatest gift I could give him. And I enjoyed it immensely as well. It felt like I had accomplished something worthwhile.

Two challenges here: First, is there someone close to you that could benefit from a quality one-on-one? Your spouse, one of your kids, a friend, or maybe someone looking for some guidance? Why not give them the gift of your time and presence?

Secondly, is there someone you know who you would love to spend time with? Why not ask them specifically if you could go for coffee/a hike/a drive with them? Sometimes we sulk, waiting around for those we love and appreciate to spend time with us. Maybe we need to take action and make the first move? This post is just a little reminder. For myself and maybe for others: Life is busy but we need to make the time to connect with people one-on-one. Almost nothing else will make a stronger impression on them.