A Good Cry

I was talking to a counselor friend of mine the other day and we were talking about the emotional toll of working with people who are in tough situations. Eventually, he said, he will come to a point where he is so emotionally exhausted that he will call his wife and ask her to rent a really sad movie. He said he does this because he needs "a good cry" and the movie helps him to do this. Once he cries, he's able to feel along with his clients again and he is all good - able to feel emotionally again and not stuck in the numbness of vicarious trauma.

What do you think of this self-care technique? Is sometimes a good cry all you need? I'm also wondering how many guys do this (or something similar) . . .

Hair Cut

Today I surprised Jobina by coming home with a haircut. For the past 10 years I get haircuts "when I can," I never schedule haircuts a month in advance. Even though I like the feel of a newly manicured head, I despise taking the time to do it. Half an hour is all it takes but I usually end up putting it off for at least two weeks or so after realizing that it's time. Usually by this timeJobina has been scowling every time she looks at me and I force myself to call and make an appointment.


Anyway, today I was walking home from work and on a whim I stopped in at an Ultra Cuts. Sure enough, the solitary hair dresser was quite willing to cut my hair. As she was cutting I was chatting about life and work stuff. Suddenly I came up with a new theory, one I call "Samson Theory" to better explain my reluctance to get my hair cut. I could tell my hairdresser was curious, so I began to share it with her:

Basically it goes like this - lately I've noticed that when my hair gets longer that I seem to counsel better. In fact this month as my hair was as it's longest I saw some of my best results ever. Today it clicked: I derive my counselling abilities from my hair! The longer my hair gets, the greater my counselling power! Like Samson, cutting my hair takes away my strength (or in my case intuition, empathy, wisdom, and all that other good counselor stuff). So if tomorrow I'm mediocre in my counselling sessions, I'll know why.

I excitedly explained all of this to the lady. I looked up at her, expecting her to bask in the glow of my Biblical and psychological insights. She smiled and said "Some people come up with the craziest ideas." I smiled back and sighed. "They certainly do, " I said, "They certainly do."

Stop Awfulizing, Musturbating, and Shoulding Yourself!

Perception is more important then reality.

Think about it: two people lose their jobs. One gets depressed and shuts down, one shrugs and finds a better job. What is the difference? Only their perception of what the event means to them, about them, and/or about the world . . .

In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) clients are taught that it is the interpretation of events in life that are crucial, not the events themselves. All of us are prone to making mental errors when confronted with circumstances that are beyond our control. For instance do you ever do any of the following:

1. Awfulizing. Psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term awfulizing to refer to a distortion of thinking. When we awfulize, an event or situation is thought of in overly negative terms. It's a kind of negative exaggeration where, for example, a minor setback is seen as a major catastrophe. Or a feared event is seen as so awful is it seems impossible to endure. Awfulizing can set into motion a chain of self-fulfilling thoughts, feelings and actions; the mere expectation that things will get worse will cause them to get worse.


2. Musturbating. "Musturbating," a term coined by Albert Ellis, is defined as strong desires and goals that have mutated into absolute musts, shoulds and demands. We put immense pressure on ourselves saying "we must" get something accomplished (or be a certain way) or else! Irrational feelings of guilt and anxiety haunt us when we have strong musts and are not obeying them.

3. Shoulding. It is the same with "shoulding" ourselves. Every time you say "I should. . ." you put an irrational demand onto yourself. Why should you? Or why must you? Is it the end of the world if you don't? Again, guilt, anxiety, and depression follow the person involved who thinks or uses the word "should" alot. For those who use it on others ("he should do this") the result is anger, rage, and controlling behaviors.

Awfulizing, musturbating, and shoulding yourself - all symptoms of irrational beliefs that at the best will rob you of your peace and at the worst will leave you with depression, guilt, or anxiety. Challenging these unhelpful beliefs and replacing them with truth is way to enjoy the freedom that God has given us. Sometimes all we need to help us deal with things is someone challenging our unhelpful perceptions . . . and the courage to do so ourselves.

OK, that's enough psych theory for now . . .

Shocked Doggies, Learned Helplessness, And Churches

In early 1965, Martin E. P. Seligman and his collegues, while studying the relationship between fear and learning, accidentally discovered an unexpected phenomenon while doing experiments on dogs. Many years earlier Pavlov discovered that if a ringing bell or tone is repeatedly paired with the presentation of food to a dog, the dog salivates. Later, all you have to do is ring the bell and the dog salivates.

In Seligman's experiment, instead of pairing the tone with food, he paired it with a harmless shock, restraining the dog in a hammock during the learning phase. The idea, then, was that after the dog learned this, the dog would feel fear on the presentation of a tone, and would then run away or do some other behavior.

Next, they put the conditioned dog into a shuttlebox, which consists of a low fence dividing the box into two compartments. The dog can easily see over the fence, and jump over if it wishes. So they rang the bell. Surprisingly, nothing happened! (They were expecting the dog to jump over the fence.) Then, they decided to shock the conditioned dog, and again nothing happened. The dog just pathetically laid there! When they put a normal dog into the shuttlebox, who never experienced inescapable shock, the dog, as expected, immediately jumped over the fence to the other side. Apparently, what the conditioned dog learned in the hammock, was that trying to escape from the shocks is futile. This dog learned to be helpless! These observations started a scientific revolution resulting in the displacement of behaviorism by cognitive psychology. What you are thinking, determines your behavior (not only the visible rewards or punishments).

The theory of learned helplessness was then extended to human behavior, providing a new model for explaining depression, anxiety, people staying in abusive situations, etc. It was also applied to systems. I was thinking about this yesterday as I was reflecting on my church. I have a theory that some churches (like mine) have learned (or been taught) that if you don't have a pastor to lead the church then the church is essentially helpless. You can't function without a senior pastor! A pastorless church is like a ship without a rudder. Now I agree that it is nice to have a senior pastor, but is it a necessary condition for a healthy, growing church? I think it is - but only if that is your perception. My personal perception is that team leadership works just as well and since every church has some leadership team, pastorless churches are far from helpless. In fact, I think it's good for a church to be without a senior pastor for awhile - a lot of growth and maturing can happen during those times. Church leadership teams need that kind of a shakeup every so often so that they don't get too lazy and keep on thinking for themselves. The whole idea of a senior pastor who wields ultimate power and authority in a church isn't really Biblical anyway.

Learned helplessness is an acquired sense that you can no longer control your environment—so you quit trying to. Do you believe that you helpless about any areas in your life? How did you learn it? The good news is that you can teach people to "unlearn" their helplessness. We do it in counselling every day.

Personal Responsibility (and You)

I have been thinking lately about the idea of personal responsibility. It seems that so many of the problems in living we encounter come back to errors in this area. Usually there are two extremes; ignoring personal responsibility or overdoing it. As an example of the first extreme: imagine a fight between a wife and husband. What prolongs the argument and makes it a several hour (or several day) event? One or both won't take personal responsibility for their actions. They can't just admit "OK, I have big problems with you, but I too messed up and I have no excuse for it. I'm sorry for doing/saying ______." The longer it takes for both people to get to that point the longer the fight takes.

If a couple gets into a half-decent fight it is almost inevitable that by the end both will have done something wrong. Either the fight is because of something one said/did/interpreted and which precipitated the fight or one will have reacted badly in some way during the argument. Since we can't control the other person, we are left with only the ability to influence them. When we let go of trying to make other person see it our way and concentrate on what we can do by taking responsibility for our actions, it's possible to move towards resolution. So many couples get caught in the trap of sitting back and waiting for the other person to take personal responsibility first. Our biased sense of justice propels us to ignore that little voice in the back of our heads "Psst . . . we did something wrong too." If you are part of a couple who fights alot, there's a good chance both of you have a problem with taking personal responsibility for your actions. If only one of you changes and starts to take responsiblity for their actions, you will probably cut down the number and length of your fights by 40%. If both of you do this, you will cut down the time and number of your fights by 80 or 90%. That's the power of taking personal responsibility for your actions.

The other extreme is the person who takes on too much personal responsiblity. This is like the parent who blames themself repeatedly because they "let" their child be abused by a family member. Did they really "let" them? No. But they blame themselves. They should have done something to stop it. They should have seen that the family member had issues. "But I was responsible to protect him," the guilt ridden parent laments several years later. By refusing to allow some responsibility to fall onto others, they overburden themselves with unrealistic guilt that does nothing to erase the past or help them (or those they love) move on. Pastors can also have issues with overresponsibility, feeling and believing they are personally responsible for the spiritual growth of their congregation. Many burn out as they face the impossible task of keeping over a hundred people on the straight and narrow. We need to stop labeling such devotion as admirable and start calling it what it is; an error in thinking.

Personally I have to be careful of myself leaning towards both extremes, especially in my marriage (underresponsiblity for my actions towards my wife) and as a counselor (overresponsiblity for the health and recovery of my clients). It's not always easy and I have erred many times but I think I'm making progress. Two books that have helped me a lot with this are ones I've mentioned before, Boundaries and Choice Theory. May we all find that balance and help others to do so as well. Having a healthy understanding of where our personal responsibility starts and where it ends might be one of the most helpful gifts we can ever find.

May Light increase!

The Power of Relationship

"It is the relationship that heals" - Irvin Yalom

I'm rereading one of my old counselling texts, Irvin Yalom's "Love's Executioner." Its a collection of short stories, case studies of Yalom's interaction with his clients. I really enjoy tales from therapy. Reading a famous counselor's recollections of notable real life therapy is not just highly entertaining but instructive as well. In other words I learn alot and am reminded about a lot. And it feels good to hear that even master therapists don't always know what they are doing!

Yalom is an existential therapist. Existential therapy focuses on helping people deal with meaning , loneliness, death anxiety, purpose, being, and freedom. This isn't my main focus of counselling, but nonetheless I was struck with love his emphasis on relationship. To Yalom there is no helping without relationship. Every part of the counselling process hinges on the ability of the counselor and client to be able to connect. How is this connection facilitated? By client and counselor being available to each other; honest, authentic, real, vulnerable, caring, etc. A client must feel accepted, supported, and valued. This gives the relationship what it must have - meaning. If it doesn't therapy will certainly fail. Brilliant interpretations, homework, solutions, etc are never the most important part of helping someone. The client must first have the foundation of a good relationship before anything else meaningful can happen. Once a person is in a strong relationship with someone, then (and only then) can they truly be helped (or just as likely heal themselves). In this way it is true as Yalom says "It is the relationship that heals."

The take-away for anyone not in the counseling field is that relationships are key to everything. Want to motivate someone? You need relationship. Want to confront them? Again relationship. Want to help them with their problems? You must have a connection with them - and they with you. So stop trying to just focus on fixing people's problems. Instead, why not focus on a strong relationship with that person?

Thanks for the reminder Professor Yalom.

Scheduling Fights

In solution focused therapy, one technique that is sometimes helpful with couples is called the scheduling fights task. The couple (usually prone to conflict) is told that they are only allowed to fight at certain times. For instance they may be allowed 2 hours on Wednesday night the first week, and 1 hour the next week. Often they are told to fight hard during these times but to avoid fighting any other time.

What is the point you may ask? First, it helps a couple to interrupt their old patterns of fighting, something they may sometimes feel is impossible to stop. But when they do this exercise they do find it is possible! The old cycle is broken and they now have the opportunity to try something new.

The second benefit is that one or both members of the couple see the process of fighting as something they can actually control. Many fighting couples come into therapy believing they can't help fighting and that the other person makes them fight. Yet when they start scheduling fights, they realize the can indeed control themselves (and thus their fighting) if they choose to. What at first seems inevitable and beyond control is not really so. They realize that fighting is not so inevitable after all.

By interrupting the old pattern and showing them that they can control one's actions, the myth of endless fighting is challenged. Paired with some other techniques, this task can be useful to help a couple wanting to change things, maybe it would be helpful for you?

Voices In Our Heads

This cartoon from the Joy of Tech made me smile (click to enlarge):


Although most of us don't hear true "voices" we are all hearing things in a way because of the messages and beliefs stuck inside our heads. "You're a loser," "I should be better," or "I'm fat." Or maybe they are good messages like "I'm special," "God is good," or "Life is harsh but I can still be happy." Have you ever really analyzed the voices in your head and ask yourself if the message you hear is:

1. True?
2. Helpful?
3. Logical?

In counselling we call the messages we tell ourselves/hear as "self-talk" or "automatic thoughts." What are yours saying? May we all have the wisdom to dispute our voices that are not true or not doing us any good.

May Light increase!

So Many Secrets

"A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret"
- Proverbs 11:13

I was reflecting on some of the interesting things that come with being a counselor. There are many, but one of the unique ones is that you get to hear a lot of secrets. Sometimes people tell you things that they have never shared with another human being. Confidentiality is one of the most beautiful things about the therapeutic relationship. I believe people long for a safe place to honestly share their joys, pain, thoughts, and feelings.

So I end up hearing and keeping a lot of people's secrets.

Perhaps some would find that difficult, but I don't yet find it a burden. Although I'm far from perfect, in my personal life I think I'm overall fairly trustworthy. I've noticed (and been told by others) that people will often feel free to share their deep and vulnerable "stuff" with me, even if the don't know me that well. The other day I was chatting with a new acquaintance when all of a sudden they were telling me about some deeply painful memories. One time at a banquet I was sitting beside a complete stranger who out of the blue began sharing with me all about her concern for her daughter (who was undergoing intense personal struggles). Granted, some times people share with me because they know I'm a counselor and hope I can offer a listening ear or a word of advice. But often they share whether they know my profession or not.

So here's my question: Are you the kind of person who it is safe to share something with? Do you pass on peoples private information easily to others? I believe that lots of people can sense a trustworthy/untrustworthy person. And such traits get noticed. In one of Phil Callaway's book's he talks about how his Mom was talking with a gossipy neighbor. When the neighbor started talking about a church member's personal issues, Phil's mom said "Why don't we go and talk to her (the church member) about this right now?" The gossipy neighbor immediately stopped gossiping! Callaway ends the story by saying that because his mother would neither gossip nor listen to it, she knew more about anyone in that little town because she was everyone's confidant. Ironically she knew way more then her gossipy neighbor!

It's so easy to talk about people behind their backs; we can justify it in a million different ways. "We're all family" or "they need prayer" or maybe even "they need help." But the truth is if we don't have permission to share it, we're treading on this ice. My personal standard is to ask myself "Would I be OK sharing this if the person I'm talking about was in the room right now?" If not . . . well, I shouldn't do it. What starts out innocently quickly becomes gossip and slander. I have seen several ministries and churches robbed of their vitality or completely destroyed by these things. The sting of a gossip's betrayal is painful indeed - I know this because sadly I have been on both sides of the equation.

So, do people trust you with their secrets? There's only one way to find out. Ask those closest to you (friends, family, co-workers) to rate your trustworthiness with secrets on a scale of 1 to 10. I dare you! If you are brave and teachable enough to ask this question your prognosis is very good.

May Light increase!

Lovely Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. One of my friends at Olive Garden, Cole, once told me that he had been thinking for several days about love - what is it really? At the time, I just grunted as I was "weeded" (a waitering term for overwhelmed with one's duties) but afterwords I thought it was probably the deepest question I'd ever heard there. What is love? It seems we often recognize it when we see it, but to try to describe it is so very difficult. A few random thoughts on love that I have come across lately:

-Everyone has a love bank account for everyone we come in contact with. When someone meets one of our needs, love units are deposited. When they don't meet our needs, love units are withdrawn. Eventually if too many units are withdrawn, a person moves from love to hate. This is the theory of Dr. Willard, F. Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. Jobina and I read his book to each other in the van while travelling this Christmas - very good stuff. Harley works mostly with couples experiencing infidelity - a very tough group! Yet he finds that by teaching warring spouses to begin meeting each others needs again, he can help them to rebuild their love bank balances - which results in feelings of love where once there was hate. Yes, love is a feeling, a choice, and a verb. But according to Harley it is also tangible - something that can be added to and subtracted from - at least when humans are involved. I thought his concept of love to be quite interesting.

-Sometimes even animals seem to exhibit love (I dedicate this one to Lindsey) :



-Love can get you into trouble: Child Elopers African Plan Foiled.

Love. Isn't it marvelous?

Should Parents Let Their Children See Them Fight?

In Billy Graham's autobiography he mentions the fact that several times his children told him that they never saw him and Ruth fight. About anything. Ever. It seems like's not sure on how he feels about it:

One day one of our daughters, who was discovering how the little ripples of disagreement with her husband could swell into crashing waves of confrontation, said to Ruth, "Mother, I can't remember ever hearing you and Daddy argue."

Ruth probably chuckled inside as some of our "discussions" flashed across her memory. But her reply revealed a principle we had followed: "We made it a point never to argue in front of you children."

We thought that concealing our disagreements would spare them unnecessary pain and insecurity. Now I'm not so sure our approach was entirely correct. The girls have said that never seeing us argue left them wide open for surprise and disillusionment when the inevitable conflicts flared between them and their husbands. When the harmony of their households was disrupted, they assumed that their marriages weren't normal. Well, if the television soap operas and sitcoms set the current standard for marital bliss, I much much prefer the route Ruth and I chose, in spite of its possible shortcomings.

I have heard this a few times from people "I never saw my parents fight" and the person saying it is usually strongly in favor of it (proud) or strongly against it (resentful for the same reasons Billy mentions). I wonder if there is some middle ground: displaying conflict sometimes (as long as it does not get to intense) but also showing how to resolve and bring closure to it? I would suggest that such "public" arguments should not be those of a personal nature (spousal relationship issues) but be limited to a few key issues that aren't that personal or important. Another solution to the problem might be never fighting in front of the kids but teaching them the ways to fight "fairly" and authentically and to handle disagreements in a Christian way. This could be done by modeling and verbal instruction. Perhaps there are there other ways to handle this topic as well?

"Passive People . . .

. . . are the angriest people."

So says Cloud and Townsend, the authors of Boundaries, the book based course that I am co-facilitating. Passive people are often people who don't know how to say no and the fact that they "betray themselves" constantly makes them very, very upset. Passive people are angry; angry at the people imposing their will on them, angry at themselves for giving in to them, and angry at fate (or God) for being in this situation. Eventually these kind of people will snap and become extremely aggressive. They will lash out: against them self, the world, or their tormentor(s).

Ironically, the solution to being passive and angry is to begin to define one's boundaries with others. This is basically what assertiveness is. Assertive people respect and ask others to respect their boundaries. And if others won't respect those boundaries they do something about it. They are not ruled by others but give their time, resources, and friendship out of generous hearts (and not guilt or the inability to refuse). Assertive people also respect the "no's" of others. This is important. Do you respect and accept other people's "no's"? If not, you have a big problem! This is love really, to accept other people's "no," even when it hurts or inconveniences you. Accepting the free will of others is one of the ways we honor the commandment "do unto others what you have them do unto you." We want others to respect our freedom to choose our own destiny, thus we offer that freedom to others. Of course there are some limits to this (say with children and discipline) but I think it's an important life skill.

If you are deeply angry inside, I suggest you do something about it and stop blaming it all on other people. Do not sit on the sidelines and keep repeating the mantra "woe is me." You are not powerless but you will need to make some changes. Face your fears about yourself and your relationships. You can do something about it. Choose to get some support, some knowledge, and start today. A less angry future awaits you.

May Light increase!

Tears From A Clown

Coulrophobia: an irrational and overwhelming fear of clowns. Check out this video:



The first time I watched this video I thought the therapist was a bit . . . well, cruel. But when I watched it a second time I realized that people with irrational fears need to be pushed to confront those fears. Notice how he gets her to "graph" her level of fear between 1 and 100. He does this for three reasons (I think); first to help her realize that that are different levels of fear (not just "calm" and "terrified"), secondly to help her think rationally about emotional events, and thirdly to help chart her progress in losing her fear. I also like how he uses systematic desensitization to slowly get her more comfortable with increasing amounts of exposure to clowns. For people with phobias, another technique that works well is immersion therapy, which pairs desensitization with relaxation techniques.

So . . . does anyone out there have an irrational phobia? Or know of anyone who does? Phobias are powerful because they become learned emotional responses - ones that aren't rational. Once an irrational fear is not challenged, emotional response can "solidify" it in the brain so that the sufferer loses their ability to imagine them self without it. Most people with phobias eventually realize that they are irrational (like the woman in the video)- but the fear response remains. There is only one way to deal with phobias - you have to face your fear. Even Freud with all of his crazy theories admitted as such. All successful therapies have this as their central component. So if you or someone you know has an irrational fear and want to beat it, this is what you (or they) will have to do . . .

Logo Feedback Wanted (and Contest)

Riverbend Counselling, the plucky upstart counseling center that I work at has someone working on some temporary logo designs for us. They have sent us two designs so far and I'm wondering if I could get some specific feedback on which ones you like (if any), and specifically what you like/don't like about them. After a few days I will go through the comments and randomly choose one commenter who will get a free copy of C.S. Lewis's bestseller "Mere Christianity!"

Logo 1


Logo 2


Thanks again for your thoughts!

Boundaries: 2 for 1 deal

Hey, for anyone considering Riverbend's Boundaries group course, we've decided to do a last minute deal: bring a friend, spouse, or a stranger and you both can take the course for one regular fee ($90 for both instead of one). At 50% off the regular price (if you bring a friend), how can you go wrong? The course starts tomorrow although we may push it up one week as we found out our updated version is only 8 weeks as opposed to nine. Contact me for me details!

Have Trouble Saying No?

Educate yourself! If you or anyone you know has some issues with keeping boundaries please feel free to refer them to our upcoming Boundaries group course. Everyone can benefit from this course, based on the bestselling book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Below is the info:

Need Help Setting Some Boundaries?


Take The Boundaries Group Course.

Do you feel like ...

- Life seems out of control?
- People take advantage of you?
- You have trouble saying no?
- Disappointed with God because of unanswered prayers?

This Boundaries Course will help you.

When: Starts on Wed, Oct 15th, 7:30pm (9 weeks, ending Dec 10th)
Cost: $90 (plus book if you like) Location: 1110 Henderson Hwy
Call: 232-5744 for details or email contact@riverbendcounselling.ca.

It Takes One To Tango: Part 3

Like all significant changes in one's life, they usually begin with us changing first. Here are two similar ways to effect change in one's marriage, experiment with them and see what happens:

1. Do nothing. Some people are fix-it addicts and fixing one's marriage can become the main focus of their lives. The problem is that marriages are kind of like see-saws. The more one person does, the less the other will do. I see this in my relationship all the time. If one person does all the finances, the other person won't even think about paying a bill. If one person remembers birthdays all the time, the other partner doesn't have to. Sometimes the very best thing a fix-it-addict can do is back off and do nothing allowing the other partner to step up to the plate. Backing off can be a great "do something different" behavior. nothing sometimes will shock those partner's used to their spouse's fix-it ways.

2. Do a 180. Just as it implies, if what you're doing does not work, try doing the opposite. I remember several years ago Jobina and I were having an argument. Jobina tends to be passionate and fiery when she argues and I tend to be calmer and rational. This occasion as we argued I realized that my rational, calm approach wasn't helping anything: so I decided to try the opposite. Although it felt quite unnatural I raised my voice and said some angry and illogical things. To my surprise Jobina suddenly became calm and concilliatory. Within a few minutes we had worked everything out and everyone was happy! If you tend to try to control your partner, this technique can be great, they will be shocked at your sudden relinquishment of power. A wife came into therapy complaining that her daughter and husband were always fighting and the wife's attempts to intervene in the fights between them weren't working. She would always try to mediate between them and usually ended up defending her daughter which caused her husband to lecture her on never supporting him.The counselor suggested she do two 180's and not intervene anymore (at all) and she would agree with her husband instead of defending the daughter. Since the wife agreed that intervening never worked, she agreed to it. Although it was very difficult, she managed to not get sucked into their arguments (althougth the daughter chased her around the house begging her to get involved. Much to her surprise they managed to work things out without her! The next time they fought she tried the second part of her homework which was to agree with her husband (instead of defending the daughter). This shocked both of them so much that her husband forgot to finish lecturing her daugher. Within a week of her newfound support of her husband, her husband decreased his fighting with the daughter and the two of them grew closer. All because she did the opposite of what she did before.

Both of these techniques are very difficult because they ask us to do what we don't want to do. They feel unnatural and uncomfortable. We get into the habit of doing the same unproductive things over and over and they feel comfortable to us - even if they don't work. It takes a lot of courage to try something new and awkward feeling - but the payoff is worth it. There is a very strong chance that you can change your marriage by changing yourself. Remember: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If we want to see changes, we'll need to do something different. What's not working in your relationship and what can you do differently? What's holding you back from experimenting with some changes to your behavior?

May Light increase!

It Takes One To Tango: Part 2

Hopefully in my last I opened up your mind to consider that it may only take you to change your marriage for the better. Some may argue that the following techniques are a form of manipulation. Like I do, Weiner believes that manipulation gets a bad rap - we are all manipulators. Manipulation simply means we are attempting to influence someone else's behavior toward our own ends. Everyone does this! When our motivation is good and our technique is loving, there is nothing to be ashamed of here. Our actions towards others always result in some sort of reaction - thus the wiser and more noble the attempts to influence them the better. We need to plan and think carefully about our actions so as to preserve and protect our most important relationships. Those who think they are not trying to manipulate their loved ones are believing a deception. Of course there is bad manipulation (with bad motives, not respecting people's autonomy) and good motivation (good motives, with respect to people's right to choose their destiny). Here are few ways that one person can effect radical change on a relationship:

1. Cheerleading. Ask yourself this question: are you more complimentary or critical? Most people will say they are more critical. Often our greatest criticism is reserved for those closest to us. Research shows that the single most effective way to modify someones behavior is to positively reward that person when they behave in way that you want them to. Simple. In marriage we often lose sight of the fact that our spouse does many things we like - and we take it for granted. Punishment and criticism rarely work to change someone (although we get stuck trying it again and again). Many marriages have been saved by one partner choosing to thank and compliment their partner for the things that they appreciate - instead of focusing and criticizing them for everything they do wrong. Sometimes all a relationship needs to get it back on track is one partner sincerely complimenting and honoring something the other partner has done. The partner feels appreciated and reciprocates - it works.

2. Focus on the problem free times. Most couples who come into therapy are deep in the midst of big problems. They've fought, argued, and feel hopeless that thing will change. One way to find a solution to current problems is focus on the problem free times. "When are things better?" "When was a time that you weren't fighting?" "What was different then?" Many couples will say that they were weren't fighting when the wife wasn't nagging, the husband listened to her, when they spent regular time together, etc. Many, many times the answer on how to fix things is simply to return to what you did when times were better. What's changed? What was different then? Can you start doing those things again?

3. Act as if. There is a famous story in counseling. A woman came in saying that she hated her ignorant husband and wanted to get a divorce. The counselor asked her if she really wanted to "get him good" beforehand. She was intrigued. He told her that to really get him back for all the terrible things he'd done to her she should spend the next six months acting as if she truly loved him. Then when she surprised him with the divorce he'd be destroyed. The woman agreed: she would do everything in her power to act like she loved and adored her husband and then in six months - wham! The counselor encouraged her but told her it would only work if she would devote herself completely to the ruse. Six months later the woman came back in. The counselor asked if she wanted a divorce. She was shocked. Divorce him? Never! As she began to pretend that she loved him, her feelings towards him started to reflect her actions. Not only that, but her husband noticed the change and began to act more lovingly towards her as well! Sometimes as well when we approach our spouse we have a negative assumption about how things will turn out. Fight this assumption, instead act as if it will go very well. Our attitudes and assumptions change our interactions. Try it.

4. Do something different. It is fascinating how humans will keep on doing the same thing in a relationship even though it never works. This could include shouting, criticizing, withdrawing, ignoring, nagging, pursuing, etc. Cathy was someone who every time her husband was upset, assumed he was angry or upset with her. She would frequently ask "What's wrong?" He would respond with "Nothing." She'd then say "I know something is wrong, what is it?" He would say, "Nothing, please stop asking me that." She would insist that her perception was right and eventually he would explode in anger. One day she decided to do something different. In the car she noticed her husband was sullen. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Nothing," he responded. Instead of pursuing him she tried something new by turning on the radio and singing to a song. Within a few minutes he said "Hon, do you mind if I turn down the radio, there's something I'd like to discuss with you." He proceeded to share his feelings about something that happened that day. It was the first time in their entire marriage that he opened up to her voluntarily. She changed, he changed! Another story. A man who wanted to change things told his wife that from now on if they were going to fight, they were going to do so without their clothes on. Since this would obviously eliminate a lot of public place for fighting in, they agreed to it. Inevitably one day they started to argue and the man began angrily shedding his clothes. His wife couldn't believe he was serious and started laughing. Soon they were both laughing! By changing their behavior the couple managed to change the way they interacted. Arguments became less common and were over faster. Couples get into behavior cycles together. When one person chooses to do something different they choose to break that cycle. Breaking the cycle is the first step to better solutions and better marriages. . .

These techniques are not guaranteed to solve the big, difficult issues in a marriage. Instead they are useful in helping two people get to a place where they are not captive to old ways of doing their relationship that just won't work. Tomorrow I'll share two last techniques that are slightly more controversial . . . and powerful.

May Light increase!

It Takes One To Tango: Part 1

The conventional thinking is that if you want to effect change in a marriage, then you need to meet with both people. I have always agreed with but now I'm reading a book that is challenging that opinion. It's called "The Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis.

Davis believes that you can improve a marriage by just one person taking action on it. Using a solution-focused approach she explains it this way: not everyone partner is willing to go to counseling. This doesn't mean that they don't care about the relationship or that the relationship is doomed (or even that the hesitant partner is "obstinate"). It just means they won't accept "counseling" as a remedy for the marriage.

Weiner has something to say to everyone who is stuck in a relationship in which nothing they seem to do has affected the other partner (attempts at changing them): is there something you could do that would effect a change and get your partner very angry with you? Most of us can easily think of small things we could do to get our partners very upset! If we have the power to make them angry, we have the power to make them happier. We just haven't figured out how to do it, instead we are trapped in a cycle of doing the same unhelpful things over and over.

We all love to spend our time "cause-hunting" when it comes to problems with our relationships. According to Weiser, the problem with this is that:

1. Most of the time the cause (in your mind) will be the other person and they won't agree or appreciate your diagnosis.
2. Cause-hunting produces a cycle of blame and counterblame. Both partners become defensive and won't take to heart anything the other says.
3. Once you believe that your partner is to blame for the woes in your marriage, there is nothing you can do but sit and wait for him/her to change. That takes away all your power. In essence you're sitting in the corner saying "Until you see things my way, and change, I will just sit here in the corner and suffer." Not too flattering a picture, eh?

We can choose to sulk, complain, and get bitter about our partner's behavior, or we can choose to act on and for the marriage ourselves. Instead of looking for causes, you can look for solutions. You can't control your partner's behavior, but perhaps you can influence it much more then you think you can. Small things can make a big difference as this story from the book illustrates:

Just a few weeks ago I was ready to walk away from my marriage. My husband's attitude stank. he thought that I should everything around the house and he could relax and do nothing. We fought every day and started to not like being around each other. I have nagged and waited ten years for just a tad of help around the house. I never wanted him to be a maid and scrub toilets. Just a little hlping hand now and then. And today . . . it happened.

I came home from lunch . . . he had the day off, and the house was clean - dishes done, all the clutter picked up!!!! I almost thought I had walked into the wrong house. I about died. I am walking on air. Why the clean house? I've given this a lot of thought.

I know that I have been more patient with him and made extra efforts to be nice and not "bitchy." I've complimented him and let the small things ride. Last night I was gonna nag him and instead, I let it go.

Let me tell you, if these are the results I am going to get, I am never going to stop. I am so happy about this that I just want to burst. I am so happy/thankful . . . I had to let you know.
-Mary

By changing the way in which Mary approached her husband, he changed his behavior toward her. When she decided to stop nagging and start being kinder and more loving, he felt more inspired to be more loving toward her. She decided to change something that she did. A place to start is to ask "What change could I make today that would make my partner more agreeable?" "What's not working for me that he/she really doesn't like anyway?" One small change begets another which begets more and more changes. Soon the old cycle has been replaced with a new one. . .

May Light increase!

A New Experience

Today I did something I've never done before: I visited a women's shelter. It was very interesting. My class on domestic violence is wrapping up and interviewing someone at a shelter was one of my assignments. I can't say which shelter it was as confidentiality is huge at these places. When I was contacted back by someone from the shelter they wouldn't even email me the location: I had to call as they didn't want any written records of it. Safety is key at these places.

I was told the address and when I found it, it was a totally non-descript building with no outside markings. I buzzed to get in and then I was in a small entrance area where the people at the main desk could see me. Then they unlocked that door and let me in. As I was shown around there were locks and intercoms all over the facility. I wasn't allowed to see the dorm rooms where the women and the children live but I saw enough to convince me that this was a place where safety of the clients was taken very, very seriously.

I interviewed a lady for about an hour and a half who has held many different jobs at the facility. The tales she told me were heartbreaking. The work they do is extensive including providing safety, therapy, legal assistance, crisis phone lines, community outreach, and follow-up. She talked about experiencing vicarious trauma and how all the workers there experience this as they work with these women and children. I don't know if I could do it. So much pain and hurt. When I left the lady I interviewed gave me a cool souvenir that hopefully I will be able to give to someone in need someday. It is a lipstick stick, but inside instead of lipstick is a rolled up piece of paper. The paper is a safety plan for women who are being abused. They can keep in there purse and look at it whenever they need to. . .