It Takes One To Tango: Part 3

Like all significant changes in one's life, they usually begin with us changing first. Here are two similar ways to effect change in one's marriage, experiment with them and see what happens:

1. Do nothing. Some people are fix-it addicts and fixing one's marriage can become the main focus of their lives. The problem is that marriages are kind of like see-saws. The more one person does, the less the other will do. I see this in my relationship all the time. If one person does all the finances, the other person won't even think about paying a bill. If one person remembers birthdays all the time, the other partner doesn't have to. Sometimes the very best thing a fix-it-addict can do is back off and do nothing allowing the other partner to step up to the plate. Backing off can be a great "do something different" behavior. nothing sometimes will shock those partner's used to their spouse's fix-it ways.

2. Do a 180. Just as it implies, if what you're doing does not work, try doing the opposite. I remember several years ago Jobina and I were having an argument. Jobina tends to be passionate and fiery when she argues and I tend to be calmer and rational. This occasion as we argued I realized that my rational, calm approach wasn't helping anything: so I decided to try the opposite. Although it felt quite unnatural I raised my voice and said some angry and illogical things. To my surprise Jobina suddenly became calm and concilliatory. Within a few minutes we had worked everything out and everyone was happy! If you tend to try to control your partner, this technique can be great, they will be shocked at your sudden relinquishment of power. A wife came into therapy complaining that her daughter and husband were always fighting and the wife's attempts to intervene in the fights between them weren't working. She would always try to mediate between them and usually ended up defending her daughter which caused her husband to lecture her on never supporting him.The counselor suggested she do two 180's and not intervene anymore (at all) and she would agree with her husband instead of defending the daughter. Since the wife agreed that intervening never worked, she agreed to it. Although it was very difficult, she managed to not get sucked into their arguments (althougth the daughter chased her around the house begging her to get involved. Much to her surprise they managed to work things out without her! The next time they fought she tried the second part of her homework which was to agree with her husband (instead of defending the daughter). This shocked both of them so much that her husband forgot to finish lecturing her daugher. Within a week of her newfound support of her husband, her husband decreased his fighting with the daughter and the two of them grew closer. All because she did the opposite of what she did before.

Both of these techniques are very difficult because they ask us to do what we don't want to do. They feel unnatural and uncomfortable. We get into the habit of doing the same unproductive things over and over and they feel comfortable to us - even if they don't work. It takes a lot of courage to try something new and awkward feeling - but the payoff is worth it. There is a very strong chance that you can change your marriage by changing yourself. Remember: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If we want to see changes, we'll need to do something different. What's not working in your relationship and what can you do differently? What's holding you back from experimenting with some changes to your behavior?

May Light increase!