I just finished reading a book on recovering trust after infidelity and it was very interesting. It is a pretty engaging book, one written by a couple where the man cheated on the woman for three years before he told her. And he was a Christian. Oh, and the other woman was one of the wive's best friends (from church)! Extremely painful and all the more shocking because it's completely true. The cool thing is that after several years (these things aren't fixed in a few weeks) they recover. And now they minister to other couples struggling in the same situation. There is hope.
One of the last chapters talks about building hedges. The authors say that since very few people go looking for an affair, people ought to be diligent in protecting their marriages by creating "hedges" around it. An example they gave is not spending time alone with people of the opposite gender. Ever. Even in the most innocent situations, even in a public place like a mall. To protect an emotional connection from being made, the authors argue it is better to just not do it. It would be hard to argue with them in person because it would be very difficult to have an affair happen if both parties observed this rule.
I like and don't like the rule. First I like it because it's radical. It's kind of "sermon on the mount" radical in that it assumes a "whatever it takes to do the right thing" kind of attitude. During the 90's when evangelists were falling like flies from sexual misconduct, Billy Graham stood strong in his integrity. When asked why he hadn't fallen he told people that he had a rule; he wouldn't be alone with a woman who was not his wife. Perhaps such a rule is overdoing it, but overdoing it removes a lot of temptation or even just the possibility of an emotional connection. It's not like he didn't work with and enjoy friendships with women . . . he was just never was alone with them. Graham sought not just to protect his marriage but his reputation and God's as well. This rule protects from a lot of problems. . .
On the other hand, it seems a bit rigid. Sure it's safe, but what's wrong with having some female friends. As long as you're careful, right? As a counselor, it makes things even more difficult. Should you only meet with your own gender? Also, there is the socialization argument. When men and women only have friendships within their own gender they don't learn how to relate to the other sex. Should we just "turn off" this interaction as soon as we get married? Jesus himself had a conversation alone with a woman (and she was scandalous to boot)!
I'm going to chew on this one for awhile. Right now I'm kind of in the middle. I've met people from both sides who have both had convincing arguments. What do you think?
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5 comments:
I think you should avoid even the appearance of inpropriety. I would not want my husband hanging out with another woman, even if she were just a friend. I think that leaves the door open fo rumors at the very least.
I can see how a couple who had been through infidelity would observe that rule. For myself, I trust my husband to be with another woman alone if he chooses to...I also trust him to recognize if emotions are getting involved and act appropriately. He is the same with me...as it should be. As to rumors...it's not up to me to control what other people think. As long as I know that my husband and I are faithful to eachother, what anyone else has to say is not my issue.
Good post Mark!
oh hi mark
i think that men and women should have friendships with each other. billy graham is from a different 'time' and i would say that he missed out on discovering many things about himself. i feel sorry for him. friendships 'grow' us. we need not feel threatened by other's judging glances when we work with/have friendships with those of the opposite sex. God is so much bigger than that.
infidelity is a choice - it's going to happen whatever one's situation, if they have that bent -. oh i could go on and on with this!
from beth :)
You come up with the best topics Mark! Issues we need to be aware of, discuss and revisit.
You mention Billy Graham. God entrusted Him with His gospel message in the most public way and I think that weighed heavily on Dr. Graham. I'm sure he wanted to honour God with his life and did not want to allow the Gospel to be put to shame in any way. He was asked on a talk show if he had ever been tempted in spite of being so careful and he answered "Yes". He chose not to act on that temptation. I'm sure he and his wife had many friends they spent time with and that he enjoyed female friendship within that safe environment. I admire him and am so thankful we have had him for a role model! God kept enlarging his territory to basically include most of this world.
It sure would not seem logical to me for male doctor's to only care for male patients and female doctor's to only care for female patients. The same could be said for your profession. As a funeral director I had to say to a few men "What you really want is a hug from your wife." when I felt that they wanted more from me than I was willing to, or felt comfortable giving. We have to be alert and guard our hearts when it comes to the opposite sex whether it is at work or play. We should never say or do anything that we would feel uncomfortable with should our spouse be present. Personally my husband and I do not feel the need to hang out with someone of the opposite sex. We enjoy the company of other couples and feel satisfied, fulfilled and complete in that type of interaction. And that's a very abbreviated version of what I think.
Interesting points everyone (and thanks for stopping by Beth!). This question is really about trying to balance several things; the need to trust our spouses, protecting ourselves from our sinful natures, and the struggle between freedom and prevention. People who created hedges can still fail . . . yet I wonder that just by sacrificing possible some of their freedom they must decrease their chances significantly. Most of the people who fail say they never saw it coming. They didn't mean to cheat - it just kind of happened. On the other hand, Jesus broke all sort of social conventions including being with a woman alone (of course he was divine and therefore wouldn't give into temptation). Surely he risked breaking social conventions . . . but maybe there are more people in our society now who would see opposite sex friend time (alone) as normal then those who would see it as abnormal. Ironic, yes.
I'm still thinking about it - trying to balance my idealism (freedom for all) with pragmatism (people - even the best people fail) and figure out where to go from there. Thanks for all the input everyone!
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