It Takes One To Tango: Part 1

The conventional thinking is that if you want to effect change in a marriage, then you need to meet with both people. I have always agreed with but now I'm reading a book that is challenging that opinion. It's called "The Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis.

Davis believes that you can improve a marriage by just one person taking action on it. Using a solution-focused approach she explains it this way: not everyone partner is willing to go to counseling. This doesn't mean that they don't care about the relationship or that the relationship is doomed (or even that the hesitant partner is "obstinate"). It just means they won't accept "counseling" as a remedy for the marriage.

Weiner has something to say to everyone who is stuck in a relationship in which nothing they seem to do has affected the other partner (attempts at changing them): is there something you could do that would effect a change and get your partner very angry with you? Most of us can easily think of small things we could do to get our partners very upset! If we have the power to make them angry, we have the power to make them happier. We just haven't figured out how to do it, instead we are trapped in a cycle of doing the same unhelpful things over and over.

We all love to spend our time "cause-hunting" when it comes to problems with our relationships. According to Weiser, the problem with this is that:

1. Most of the time the cause (in your mind) will be the other person and they won't agree or appreciate your diagnosis.
2. Cause-hunting produces a cycle of blame and counterblame. Both partners become defensive and won't take to heart anything the other says.
3. Once you believe that your partner is to blame for the woes in your marriage, there is nothing you can do but sit and wait for him/her to change. That takes away all your power. In essence you're sitting in the corner saying "Until you see things my way, and change, I will just sit here in the corner and suffer." Not too flattering a picture, eh?

We can choose to sulk, complain, and get bitter about our partner's behavior, or we can choose to act on and for the marriage ourselves. Instead of looking for causes, you can look for solutions. You can't control your partner's behavior, but perhaps you can influence it much more then you think you can. Small things can make a big difference as this story from the book illustrates:

Just a few weeks ago I was ready to walk away from my marriage. My husband's attitude stank. he thought that I should everything around the house and he could relax and do nothing. We fought every day and started to not like being around each other. I have nagged and waited ten years for just a tad of help around the house. I never wanted him to be a maid and scrub toilets. Just a little hlping hand now and then. And today . . . it happened.

I came home from lunch . . . he had the day off, and the house was clean - dishes done, all the clutter picked up!!!! I almost thought I had walked into the wrong house. I about died. I am walking on air. Why the clean house? I've given this a lot of thought.

I know that I have been more patient with him and made extra efforts to be nice and not "bitchy." I've complimented him and let the small things ride. Last night I was gonna nag him and instead, I let it go.

Let me tell you, if these are the results I am going to get, I am never going to stop. I am so happy about this that I just want to burst. I am so happy/thankful . . . I had to let you know.
-Mary

By changing the way in which Mary approached her husband, he changed his behavior toward her. When she decided to stop nagging and start being kinder and more loving, he felt more inspired to be more loving toward her. She decided to change something that she did. A place to start is to ask "What change could I make today that would make my partner more agreeable?" "What's not working for me that he/she really doesn't like anyway?" One small change begets another which begets more and more changes. Soon the old cycle has been replaced with a new one. . .

May Light increase!