Over the past few months I've started to develop a habit of asking those I work with at OG each day one deep question. Someone started referring to it as "the question of the day" and it kind of stuck. Anyway, I was thinking a lot about forgiveness (and the physiological/psychological/spiritual benefits of it) and so I asked Leslie the bartender out of the blue, "Leslie, how many people have you not forgiven?" Everyone in the area stopped and began to talk. When I first started asking people the question, I had a few hypotheses but they were all proven wrong. Some of the people who are the most emotional and expressive told me that there was noone they hadn't forgiven. Conversely, some of the most pleasant and kind people told me they had several people they hadn't forgiven - and they planned on never forgiving them! Lots of intensity and soul searching from this simple question. One person first told me "noone I can think of of, but I feel like there is someone, I just can't think of who." Later on they came back to me and told me they figured out who it was - it was themself. "I can forgive everyone but myself . . . for some really bad things I've done. I just can't get over it." Wow.
Anyway, I pose the question to you, gentle reader: How many people have you not forgiven? And if you feel very authentic and daring, what are your reasons?
P.S. The painting is by Gilbert and George, 1982.
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5 months ago
2 comments:
Mark, I think, for me at least, it's a little more complicated. There are people whom I know God wants me to forgive, and I do...sort of. Sometimes forgiveness is more of a process, like it comes in layers. There are people that I think I've forgiven and then I get reminded or something triggers all the old stuff and I have to work through the forgiveness all over again, but I wonder if it gets to be a deeper, or more complete forgiveness with every time. So, did I forgive this person the first time or not? As far as just blatantly and totally NOT forgiving someone...I don't think there is anyone on that list. Some people take ALOT of effort to forgive, but it's worth it!
Julie, thanks for commenting (your honesty is inspiring). I agree that forgiveness is a process but I also wonder if at some point you just "know" that you have truly forgiven a person? Something in your gut says "OK, it's over, I don't hold it against you anymore?" Can you ever "arrive?" That being said, do feeling of hurt coming back occasionally negate forgiveness? I don't think so. I think sometimes we confuse anger/pain about what has been done to us with anger/pain about the person.
There was a bully who caused me some grief in high school. Eventually I forgave him. How did I know I had truly forgiven him? It wasn't because I wasn't still smarting over what he did. But I think it was when I decided to forgive (repeatedly!) and then one day realized that I truly wasn't holding his old actions against him any more. That of course is only my experience and like your experience I'd say it was a process. But when I got there, I knew it. At least I think so!
I talked to someone recently who also thought that they had forgiven a person and were shocked when after further introspection realized they had not just failed to forgive but they actually HATED the person who wronged them. It was only after this understanding and by feeling a special kind of God's grace in the matter that they felt like they had truly forgiven them.
I don't want to universalize these two experiences. Rather, I'm interested in how other people are grappling with the whole forgiveness issue and what has worked/not worked for them. Also, what holds them back, what has helped them to forgive, and how did they know it? There is so much forgiveness related issues in counseling and I'd love to have a better understanding on the issue. Thanks again for your thoughts Julie!
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