Disciplining Your Wife?

There is a new kind of domestic arrangement that some people in the Christian community are espousing. It's called Christian DD. Check it out:

Christian DD

I thought it was a joke at first, but it isn't. So what do you think? Think it could improve your marriage?

Update: Since there are some links on this site that might take people to places that might not be good, I've taken down the link. Suffice it to say that Christan DD stands for Christian domestic discipline which is the addition of Christian theology to the fetish of spanking. Yes, that's right, spanking! I laughed hard at first when I saw what they were saying, but now I'm mostly just disturbed.

Boredom

A deep question for my fellow Christ followers out there: Was there boredom before the fall? If not, does that mean boredom is tied directly to sin . . . and how do see it theologically? This came up (kind of out of the blue) at our small group last night . . .

Some of My Favorite Verses

Just like asking someone what kind of car is their favorite (or what kind of food) tells you something about them, I like asking people what their favorite Bible verse is (or verses). Here are some of my favorite's (in my favorite Bible version, the NIV):

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
-Philippians 4:8
(I like this one because it challenges me to transform my mind and not let it dwell on that which is contrary to where the Spirit wishes me to go. There is almost not a day that goes by that this verse comes to mind!)


"There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden."
-Proverbs 30:18-19 NIV

(These verses capture the beauty and mystery of romantic love. If Solomon couldn't figure it out, I figure it is OK for me to not have to understand it either. Instead I wish to celebrate, feed, and enjoy it.)

Of course there are lots more verses that I enjoy but these ones always stick out in my mind. How about you?

Jesus Helps Mom With The Dishes

This morning I had a intellectual discussion about God's omnipresence with my four year old daughter. She and I were having breakfast while Mom took Riker to the bus. She was telling me about a scary dream she had been having and I told her that maybe we should pray and ask Jesus to take it away from her. She thought this might be a good idea. She also told me that Jesus was everywhere and that He wanted to help Mom with the dishes. Wow, dramatic change of direction! I gently pointed out to her that God was everywhere but not necessarily doing everything. She just looked at me like I had no idea what I was talking about.

Later as I chuckled and thought about it I realized how difficult it is for children to grasp some of these heady theological concepts (and how hard it is for us - OK, me - to explain them). For instance it really bothers Trinity that she can't hear Jesus talking to her. "I can talk to Jesus, but I can't ever hear Him Daddy . . ." says Trinity looking sad. How can I tell her that so many other Christians have struggled with this fact as well? And that many struggle with just feeling His presence in their lives? Instead I try to reassure her that God loves us and that while some believers do audibly hear his voice, many instead hear him through his Word and through their lives. And that's OK.

Another thing that's seems difficult to get through to her is the whole Dieing/Salvation/Heaven/Hell thing. Trinity is sometimes worried about dieing and even though we've reassured her that Heaven will be a much better place, she is still concerned and has many questions about it. Honestly, I find it difficult to tell her about salvation in these instances because I don't want her to make a decision for Christ simply based on the fact that she is scared of death or hell. The Bible seems to talk about salvation as so much more then this! If she was only a teenager (or I was wiser in talking to children) it would be a lot easier. Sigh.

One thing I do like about these conversations is that they help me to think about faith a little more honestly and concretely. Have you had any deep or comical experiences in trying to explain theological truths to children? How did it go? If you have any pointers for me I'd love to hear them!

Whom Should You Pray To?

Many years ago at camp it was late in the evening. Myself and the camp pastor were both taking a shower (not together) and were discussing faith type things. "James," I asked, "Is there anywhere in the Bible where people pray to Jesus? Cause so many people pray to him but I can't find any examples of it in the Bible." James told me that he didn't know how "wrong" it was, but yes, there was no example of it in the Bible. Of course there are examples of people talking to Jesus while he was on Earth but that doesn't really count. The only thing close is when Paul talks to Jesus on the Road to Damascus (again though, I don't consider a verbal conversation the same as praying). I personally don't think anything is terrible about it and I wouldn't try to stop anyone, but you could argue it's not "Biblical." It's probably one of those things we've learned by observing others and we just assume that it's a normal kind of thing. And what about praying to the Spirit, any of that in the Bible? Anyway, just an interesting theological tidbit to share with you on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas everyone!

John Piper: God Is Better Then Sex

I'm reading "Do Hard Things" right now, a book about rebelling against low expectations. Its written by teenagers for teenagers (this in and of itself intrigued me) but it's convicting me. I checked out the authors website, therebelution.com, and saw a link for what's below:



Sex is good. Sex is great. God is better.

What do you think?

Manipulating Mercy?

Naked Pastor posted this video the other day and some of his uncomfortable thoughts about it. He believes that it in some way is "marketing compassion." I liked it, but he felt something wrong in that it took slick marketing by a handsome guy in a suit to awaken people's compassion. Shouldn't we already feel it? I guess we should. We should naturally care about the downtrodden, hurt, weak, and poor. I hear what he's saying. But sadly we often forget or marginalize them and maybe we need a "hook" to reawaken our hearts. What do you think of the video? I suppose this kind of video (or say a World Vision/Compassion Canada TV commercial showing starving children) is an attempt at "manipulating" a compassionate response out of people. Is it wrong if the motive is good? Where are the boundaries (if any)? These are the questions going through my mind today.

May Light increase!

Divorce and Remarriage

The widespread experience of remarriage is so common now in the United States that 30% of all weddings produce a step family and approximately one quarter of all American children will see at least one parent divorce twice (Deal, 2007).

I'm doing a paper right now on Divorce and Marriage from a Christian and psychological perspective. Wow, it is really heavy. This is kind of a sensitive topic and since my thoughts are evolving on as I look at Scripture and various interpretations, I'm not even going to state where I am on this right now. I am learning alot though and have been especially enlightened by interviewing divorcees on their experience. Wow, definitely heart wrenching stuff. I'm sure pretty much all of us have been affected by some way as either ourselves, family, friends, or colleagues have gone through it.

There are many competing views on this subject but I found it helpful to read a paper that said that most views fall within these four:

(1) No divorce or remarriage.
(2) Divorce but not remarriage.
(3) Divorce and remarriage for adultery or desertion.
(4) Divorce and remarriage under a variety of circumstances.

I'm curious to know where other people stand on these things:

Return Of The King

imminent (adjective): likely to happen soon [Latin imminere to project over]


We're having guest speakers during the summer in our church and today we had one that impressed me quite a bit. He did a sermon on the imminent return of Christ. Fascinating! I was moved by his sermon on this often ignored piece of theology. He said that when he was a boy he rarely made it through a week without hearing some sort of conversational snippet about Christ's return. Two things he remembers: one, that he was not afraid of the idea of Christ returning and two, he often thought about how Jesus might return whenever he was eating food that he liked - and this made him wolf down his food quicklyon more then one occasion! In his family, Christ's return was spoken of always in positive terms and that is the feel I got as expounded on the topic in church. It got me thinking:

1. I too had my behavior changed by thinking about the return of Christ. As a hormonal teenager I "worried" that Christ would return before I would have a chance to experience the blessings of marital life (I think you know which ones I'm talking about). This thought entered my mind on more then one occasion and I remember after my honeymoon thinking "Thanks for waiting Jesus, you can come back any time now!"
2. Why aren't we thinking about this more? As Christ followers, shouldn't we be longing and expectant about His return? As I listened to the message this morning I realized that I am a little too wrapped up in this present world and not thinking enough about eternity in the next. It was a great sermon (even Riker listened intently to the first 10 minutes or so which is a miracle in itself) and I was challenged (not "guilted") into thinking and acting more on this.
3. Sometimes I struggle with this doctrine. Imminent means "soon" and it's about 2000 years since Christ returned to heaven. I know that a thousand years are like a day for God, but I still find it difficult to live like he will return soon when it seems to have taken so long already. Also, the Bible seems to say no man will know the day or the hour yet believers should not be completely surprised either as there will be signs. I find it difficult to embrace that Jesus could return at any moment and live a Christian life that plans and dreams about the future. Ah, these crazy paradoxes!

I definitely want to look more into this important doctrine.

May Light increase!

Secrets of the Pure

As a youth pastor, counselor, and Christian I am very interested in the answer to this question: What is the secret to staying pure before marriage? I'm talking about people who are in committed relationships who in the course of dating and engagement do something that most couples (including Christian couples) do not: they stay pure. I've blogged about this before. Although evangelical Christians for the most part subscribe to a "not until marriage" theology, their practice says otherwise. In other words, Christian couples are getting sexual and yes, it's a big problem, our dirty little secret.

Anyway, I recently spoke with two people who have remained pure. The first is a Christian bartender who went out with her boyfriend for seven years and stayed pure the whole time. Seven years! They just got married. I asked her what the secret was to her staying pure. She told me that activity was never an option for them. Ever. (This reminded me of the secret to marriage that Will Smith recently espoused "You just both agree that divorce is never an option. Then you'll never be tempted by it.") My friend and her boyfriend both valued purity and believed that it was possible to stay pure. Principle 1: You have to decide that you are going to be pure. Not that you are going to try to be pure or do your best to be pure. You will be pure. Simple. If you do not have this rock solid commitment to waiting you will almost always fail. That is the reality and it is the main starting point on the journey of purity.

My second story is about a guy I know in his mid twenty's who has been going out with a girl for a few months. As I often do when catching up with guy friends I'll ask them about how their physical life is going with their significant other. I find that very few people ask this question! One guy I asked told me I was the first person who had ever asked him! Anyway, this friend told me that things were going great in his relationship, including the physical part. A few interesting things he told me:

When they started going out he told the girl he thought they should take the physical side of the relationship very slow. They made an agreement not to kiss for awhile which ended up being a few months. They did this, he said to work on their friendship first. A wise decision I think. Principle 2: When a relationship starts with the physical it is difficult to stop that side from becoming the focus of the relationship. Start with the friendship first. As an aside I wonder if the it is the guy who is the main "boundary keeper" in the relationship if the chances are higher that the couple will succeed in purity (without being sexist, my guess is that this is true).

The girl's uncles let him know in subtle ways that he was being watched by them. "Hey _(my friend), if you were going to be shot where would you want to be shot and with what kind of gun?" "Are you trying to say something?" "Nope, just curious, you know one of those "what if" questions." Seriously that's what they said to him! Of course there were no explicit threats, just subtle warning. Principle 3: It takes a community to keep one pure. My friend did not try to escape this accountability, instead he embraced it. Couples who fail sexually often have no accountability or they reject that that is offered them.

When my friend wanted to ask the girl out she told him that he had to ask her Dad. Yikes! Scary right? Actually it wasn't that bad. Mostly they talked about the girl and what she meant to both of them. The Dad did make one stipulation though: he told my friend that if he wanted to date his daughter that he wanted them to hang out mostly at their house (where she lived), not at my friend's house. I thought that this was genius because it took out the temptation to be alone in a place without any accountability. Principle 4: Stay away from tempting environments and avoid being alone very much. Many couples consistently put themselves into a place where they will be tempted - and eventually they fail.

My friend told me this story of renting a movie he had really wanted to see for a long time. So he invited his girlfriend. Unbeknowst to him, the movie had some nudity and he started to feel uncomfortable watching this with his girlfriend. So he made a difficult decision: he turned it off. "What was hard," he told me, "was that I really wanted to see that movie!" But it was the principle of the thing. Will one sex scene in a movie cause someone to be impure? Probably not. But it goes to show what my friend was willing to do to protect their relationship. Principle 5: Small decisions to protect purity add up to a pure relationship.

Let me add a principle from my own experience. Principle 6: Decide what your personal boundaries are ahead of time and make sure that who ever has the more conservative boundaries - those are the ones you never cross. Jobina and I did this. We openly discussed what we each thought was too far and then agreed to go with the "weaker" person's conscience. If the other person can't respect those boundaries, the couple will eventually fail. This means checking in on each other and putting your values ahead of your own desires. Speaking of boundaries, most couples who fail don't know how to talk about them, enforce them, or have consequences for if they fail. Yet they are so important. Knowing your partner's boundaries and not letting you (or them) go past them is a very loving thing to do. Many successful couples have used the same principle - with excellent results.

Do you know of any couples who have been successful in staying pure before marriage? If so, what worked for them? I'd be interested to know.

May Light increase!

Book Review: The Shack

Book Review: The Shack by William P. Young,

"And all I wanted was a God who will just fix everything so no one gets hurt." -Mac, p. 146.

The Shack is a difficult book to review for several reasons. First of all, it does not fit easily into one genre but instead overlaps several ones. Secondly, this book impacted me powerfully on an emotional level that is not always rational and easy to describe. And lastly, I don't want to take anything away from your reading of it by telling too much of the story - much of the appeal of the book is that you are not sure what is going to happen . . and why. So if you are like me, and want to be surprised, don't bother reading the rest of this review. Just take my word for it that this is an absolutely amazing book, "a game changer," an emotional rollercoaster ride of intensely deep life questions, theology, and brutal honesty. Just go buy it and enjoy. I rate it 4.9 out of 5 ninja stars.

If you are still reading this . . . let me say a bit more though I will be purposely vague. This book is first of all fiction, the story of a man named Mac who's life is changed forever when his youngest daughter is abducted during a family camping trip. The evidence that she may have been savagely murdered is found in an old abandoned shack deep in the wilderness and Mac's world is shattered. Four years later as he struggles he receives a note in his mailbox, (apparently from God), inviting him to come meet Him back at the shack. Who wrote the note? Mac eventually find's out as he returns to the shack and is confronted by nightmares, hope, and answers for his questions.

The book is allegorical (much like Pilgrim's Progress) and deep. It explores some of the toughest questions about God, his love, and the reality of human suffering. For me, I was most impressed by how it handles the understanding of God's affection for Himself and for his creation in a sin-stained world. The Shack presents a powerful story about a God who personifies relationship and is concerned more with relationship then performance. This book is special not because it is written by a master writer (Williams is still developing) but because it manages to hit the reader hard both emotionally and intellectually. I cried like a baby many times reading this book and felt closer to God then I have in a long time. On the other hand, my understanding of God was also challenged and expanded in new ways as well. I didn't agree with all the theology written in it but if you can get past that, you will get something out of this book. I would really like to read it again with a group of people and process it together - slowly. This would be a really good book club or small group read for those who want to deep. I can't recommend it enough. It is an instant classic, the kind of book you will want to buy for your friends because you love them.

P.S. When I checked on Amazon this morning, The Shack was number 9 on the bestseller list.

Is God A Matchmaker?

"Are marriages made in heaven? Maybe, but so are tornadoes . . ." - Unknown

I'm reading "Singles at the Crossroads" right now as part of my Pre-marital and Marital Counseling class. The book is a in-depth exploration of what it means to be single from a Biblical perspective. It attempts to debunk the myth of "the gift of singleness," works through discerning God will as a single, and generally suggests that a balanced, Biblical view is one that honors singleness as a status equal to marriage. What really got my attention in the book was the author's discussion of the "Has God chosen a specific person for you?" question. Ah yes, I know the debate well: Does God have a soul mate for you? That one person who he created for you to get together with? When I was young I was strongly in the "yes, He does" camp. I believed in God's sovereignty, his interest in my life, and the beauty of romance.

I still believe in those things! But over the past few years I have changed my view. Although there are probably a few cases where God specifically chooses (predestines?) a mate for someone (Mary/Joseph as an example), for the most part I do not believe God chooses our mate for us. Why not? Well, for two main reasons: not enough evidence and too many problems:

1. There is no Biblical evidence that we are supposed to discover the one, specific person, who God wants us to marry or that he has such a person "saved" for us. Seriously, it's not there.
2. The idea of a soulmate (or "there is only one person in the world who is meant for me, and without whom I'm lost") is actually a pagan idea borrowed from Greek philosophy. Plato believed that everything in the material world is merely a temporal copy of an ideal, universal, and perfect form. Applied to relationships it means we have an innate, preconceived image of the one person who we are meant to be with, and our never ending quest is for a human facsimile that will match that perfect ideal. Voila, the birth of soulmate anxiety!
3. Unnecessary pressure and fear. I know people who literally suffer mental illness from worrying about if they can find their soulmate, if they'll be able to recognize them, if they've missed them, or that they've married the wrong person. That's a lot of pressure to put on oneself - discovering God's specific choice for who you are to marry or not missing that person when they come into your life. And does God change his mind about who you should marry? That idea too has problems.
4. Reality doesn't fit well with the theory. I know Godly people who have been completely convinced that they were supposed to marry someone - and then realized that they were wrong. My roommate in college one year told me he was absolutely sure that God wanted him to marry his girlfriend. God has confirmed it to him in several ways. A week later she broke up with him! Suddenly he wasn't so sure. Or what about the Godly Christian woman who's guided into marrying a guy who cheats on her and then divorces her against her will? Was it God's will that her soulmate would do that to her? Though I do not think it's impossible to discern God's individual will in some things (very, very carefully) and I don't want to put Him in a box, but to presuppose that everyone (or even most people) should be able to figure this out seems absurd to me.
5. Believing in one specific soulmate can make us passive and reactive. If God has someone for us, someone who is meant to be together with us, that person logically will come to us no matter what we do. Thus, we don't have to put much or any work into it. God will take care of it because it's God's will. Why put the work into becoming a better person, meeting people, discernment potential partners, etc?
6. Free-will. I'm always amazed at the number of people who believe strongly in free will as it applies to salvation but ignore it completely when it comes to the romantic notion of the one true soul mate.

It seems to me that the New Testament is much more concerned with how we treat the person we marry then whether or not we have married the right individual. But if we become a devoted Christ-follower, we have freewill to choose between several great (or poor) choices in a mate or perhaps to choose not to have a mate at all. Perhaps we need to focus more on God's general will for our lives then worrying about his possible specific will for us. If he wants something (or someone) specific for us, he is a Big enough God that he can make it happen. But perhaps you disagree? Feel free to comment or vote on my poll on the right hand side (near the top) of the blog . . .

May Light increase!

You, Your Waiter, and Grace

"Grace is is not just forgiveness and mercy, it adds the undeserved element of blessing." - Unknown

Last night I was sick but I had to go to work. Like, seriously sick. The kids have recently worked through a virus and I thought that I had evaded it (hah!) but it was not to be. Yesterday I came to work feeling weak, with a sore throat, and like my body had just gone through 10 rounds with Mike Tyson (or maybe Randy Couture?). Yet they needed me to work and I needed the cash so I came in. It was so bad that I nearly passed out at one of my tables! I could barely function. (Yes, I know, sick people shouldn't be working in restaurants. For myself I wash my hands even more constantly when I'm feeling under the weather, limit my contact with guest's plates/utensils, and generally take every precaution to be above board in sanitation.) Anyway, don't feel sorry for me being sick and having to work, after all, you've probably gone into work when you've been sick before.

The thing about waitering is that if you are feeling sick, depressed, etc., you are still expected to be positive, happy, fast, and competent. You don't come into a restaurant and expect your server to be anything but on the top of their game. But just like you get sick, so do servers. So before you just assume that your server is slacking (and for no good reason) - look a little deeper. Maybe things are out of their control (a backed up kitchen). Maybe they are feeling under the weather. Maybe it's that time of the month (seriously, I have seen this nearly cripple some of our female servers). Maybe they just had a family member or even a pet die. Maybe they are overwhelmed with exams at school. Or maybe they are in the middle of a deep spiritual battle or some other existential angst. You might think, "Well hey, then they shouldn't show up at work." In a perfect world I would agree. But like a fellow sick worker told me last night after I told her she should go home, "I have to work - I need the money." No ill or distracted server chooses to work when they are somewhat incapacitated because they like giving sub-par service. Usually it's because they have mouths to feed, rent due, or tuition to pay for. Should this be? No. Is it reality? Yes.

As a Christ follower, I am learning to give my server the benefit of the doubt if service is lacking. And really, I should do it with everyone. This is what grace is all about. Cheating on the tip, leaving a nasty little note, lecturing the server about their surliness, etc. without asking them if anything is wrong and inquiring gently about why service is lacking is not justice, is it gracelessness. Most likely you have been rude or angry with a server sometime in your life (as I have). Ask yourself this question: how has this helped them closer to experiencing the love of God? There is of course a time, a place, and way to share feedback with a server. If you were a server, how would you want a guest to voice their displeasure? Is it in the same way that you voice it to others?

The greatest display of grace a table ever showed me was after I had delivered them a truly terrible experience (some parts were my fault, some parts were the kitchen) they told me, "You seemed a little off today, hope everything is OK," and gave me a totally undeserved 20% tip. The fact that they had prayed together before dinner showed me they were "Christians," but their grace to me (by their compassion and their generosity) showed me that they were truly Christ followers. It was truly a God moment for me. They sacrificed their desire and right for justice for something much more powerful. And I was extremely moved by it.

May Light increase!

P.S. Perhaps you are taking your mother out for Mother's Day? Keep in mind that this is the busiest day of the year for restaurants. You server will most likely be very busy. Be gracious!

Gossip Reconsidered: Are Small Towns Worse?

If you've been reading my blog lately you've probably noticed that gossip has been on my mind a lot (see here and here). If fact you may be thinking that I seem obsessed with it! The truth is that I think it's a very important facet of community life (church or otherwise) that is often ignored. It's a subtle sin and thus it gets missed. Yet it is so damaging. Anyway, on my first post on the topic I had some great comments made and I've been meaning to comment on them, especially the ones about gossip and small towns. Stacey first said:

Stacey: "Having said that, I have a lot less gossip in my life since I've moved here [Toronto] and rarely deal with it anymore. In the place I used to live [a small town] it was like a viral disease."

Stacey opened Pandora's box! I responded: "Stacey, I have been thinking about gossip and small towns for about a week now. It all started with me listening to a radio program where a man was interviewed who had moved his family to a small town. He loved living in the country but he was shocked by the amount of gossip, racism, and pettiness that he found out there. When people called into the show they all shared stories that seemed to underline the first one: Gossip is worse in small towns! I'm not sure if it worse or if when you know people better (as it often the case in a small town) the gossip just stands out more. For myself, I must admit that when we moved to Mennville the gossip there was more bountiful then ever I had experienced before. People actually told us in our first church care group there that they were afraid to share anything personal because it wouldn't stay with the group. I thought at that time that they were incredibly paranoid - later I understood that they were right! I had an elder of the church whom I confronted about gossiping tell me to my face that there was no way they couldn't gossip! It's a nasty habit in small towns, one that should be reframed as "sin."

Terry wanted to know what actually constituted gossip. In general I responded in my second post. Here are his questions (all good ones) more specifically - and my opinions:

Terry: "Sometimes I find it hard to know whats gossip and what isn't. For example, is it gossip when we talk about people but don't use their names?(in a small town you can't get away with it because people can figure out who it is)"
-I think that you kind of answered your own question. Unless you can be guaranteed that your listener will never be able to figure it out, you shouldn't. The other test is to ask yourself if they would be OK for you to relate the story anonymously. If you think no, or you are unsure, you probably shouldn't. Why do we tell these stories anyway?

Terry: Or is it gossip when we talk about organizations or communities? Is it gossip when we use other's situations, even anonymously, in teaching situations?
-I think that when we single out an organization or community and speak about it in a slanderous way it is wrong. Does this mean that we should not warn people off of a church or an ethically questionable organization because we'd have to talk about them? Here's where it gets tricky. Paul goes out of his way to publicly call down false teachers in his letters? Is he slandering/gossiping about them? It seems pretty close to it. But I think because he is simply pointing out facts about them and doing it publicly vs in private, and since he most likely talked to them about it first, it's acceptable. Jesus too publicly disparaged the Pharisees - pointing out there general errors and even proclaiming judgment. None of this was secret though. Tough question. As for using stories in teaching situations, again, it shouldn't be done if you can't insure that no one will find out who you are talking about. Best thing is to get permission from the person, then there are no questions about it.

This leads into an excellent question commented by Roland who wonders if my comments about Mennville were gossip: "When you denigrate an entire community, how is this "not gossip"?? What would readers conclude from those comments? I've lived close to that area for many years and have concluded the people are actually "quite wonderful". Not really a "bad place to be" in my opinion."
-It's a fair question. It could be construed that by mentioning that I had never heard the levels of gossip that I did when I moved to Mennville, that this could be slander or gossip. What do you think, was it? I have thought about this a lot and am not sure. On the one hand I don't think so because I simply noted a fact: never before had I experienced this much gossip. It's a fact and I am not explicitly making a value judgment, just stating a fact - one which one cannot really argue against. On the other hand, one could read several subtle messages into it. For instance that the community is "bad" because it has some bad elements in it. If this message is being subversively put forward then you could say that yes, I did denigrate Mennville. I don't feel like it, but perhaps I did. I love Mennville. It's still a bit fuzzy in my mind and I am open to people's thoughts on this. Thanks for making me think about this Roland!

I find that in churches (or communities) that there are people who complain that everything is going wrong. This is of course bad. However the opposite is also bad: there are people who feel like any critique of the group is slander or gossip. This I strongly disagree with. We are not called to sacrifice the truth about the group's behavior in order to protect the reputation of the group. Feedback for growth, directly to those involved is not gossip or slander. The truth may not always be easy to take (and make one feel defensive) but there is a time to share it and hear it. Confronting a church/community/organization is different then criticizing it. Confronting is lovingly pointing out specific behavior that is not welcome or acceptable. Criticism is making a general value judgment about a group/individual, one that doesn't focus on what's been done but on how the group/individual is. It's tricky sometimes deciding where a comment falls and sometimes we disagree on it.

Right, so anyway that bring us back to the idea of is gossip and small towns. Is gossip worse in small towns? Charles Adler seems to think so (don't click this link if you are easily offended but if you aren't look for the link "Is Moving To The Country Really The GOOD Life?"). Or is it unfair and simply a stereotype that needs to be countered? Feel free to comment . . . just remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion . . .also feel free to vote on my poll (top right of the blog).

May Light increase!

Gossip Reconsidered: What Exactly Is It?

"Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around." ~Frank A. Clark

Most of us know the sting and pain from being gossiped about. The distrust and sense of betrayal is something that pretty much all of us have experienced sometimes in our lives. Not to mention the fact that we have all done it (and some of us are probably addicted to it). It's a bit difficult to define though. For instance if you looked up "gossip" in a dictionary you'd get things like this:

1. (noun) idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others: the endless gossip about Hollywood stars.
2. (verb) to talk idly, esp. about the affairs of others; go about tattling.
-Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc.

1. (noun) Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
2. (noun) A person who habitually spreads intimate or private facts or rumors.
-American Heritage Dictionary

As you can see each of these sources puts a little bit of their own spin on it. If you break it down to it's essence though what is it? Eric Foster's common definition of gossip is any conversation between two or more people about another person (or person's) who is not there. Indeed, Wesley agreed with and condemned it. Wesley established two such rules about gossip for the early Methodist small-group class meetings: "1) Now we are to talk of no absent person, but simply of God and our own souls, and 2) the rule of our conversation here is to be the rule of all our conversation." I like Wesley's rule; it places honoring people at the highest level, something I wish our churches would do more of (imagine if your church actually held to this rule!). This definition though does seem a little extreme as there are times when this may be impractical.

Personally I think that a definition of gossip should include the element of slander (an abusive attack on a person's character or good name). This what I read in the Bible passages about the topic. When we talk about people behind their backs in a way that damages their reputation or calls into question their character we are gossiping about them - no matter how truthful the information is. When we add, even in the most subtle way a judgment against them, we are gossiping. Willow Spring Church has 5 Guidelines to Guard Against Gossip which I find useful:

1. If you do not have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all. (Eph. 5:4)
2. Never speak about a person in any way other than compliments and praise, unless they are present, and even when they are present, “Let all that you do be done in love.” (I Cor. 16:14)
3. Never share any information about another person unless they have given you their specific permission to do so. (Prov. 6:19)
4. Never speak about another person in any other way than how you would share it if they were present. (Prov. 25:23 & Mt. 5:37)
5. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut. (Romans 14:23)

Proverbs 20:19 tells us not to associate with a gossip. Why? Because in our association with them, we will become like them (see Prov. 13:20).

Romans 1:29 tells us that those who continually practice gossip will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Gossip is listed with such sins as homosexuality, murder, inventors of evil, and haters of God. Clearly, we are to aggressively guard the body of Christ against gossip!

2 Corinthians 12:20 tells us that gossip is a reflection of a lack of acknowledgment of God. It further tells us that gossip is a reflection of an unrepentant heart.

1 Timothy 3:11; 2 Timothy 3: 3; Titus 2: 3 indicate that “Malicious gossips,” are not to be tolerated in the church. Amazingly, the term that we translate, “malicious gossip,” diabolous, is also translated, “devil.” A malicious gossip is a slanderer, one who spreads stories, true or false, that hurt and bring pain to others.

Gossip is a serious problem in our churches. Imagine what an evangelistic force it would be if people came to see the church as an intimate community where gossip was not only unacceptable but actively fought against every time it raised it's ugly head? Now that would be a witness! Sadly I fear it often the other way around. I have spoken to too many people who have been severely damaged by fellow Christians talking about them behind their backs. How do we fix this problem? I think it all starts with some of us taking a stand against it - on a personal level. As I write these things I am convicted because I realize that this is a problem for me. I believe that with God's power one person can make a difference, even in the most gossip ridden family or church. May you and I be that person.
May Light increase!

Prayer Chains

"The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;
they go down to a man's inmost parts."
-Proverbs 18:8

I found this latest postcard sent into postsecret refreshingly authentic and yet quite sad at the same time. I hate gossip - I hate when others do it and I hate when I do it. I don't know if there is anything that can poison a church or relationship faster and more severely. In some ways it is the ultimate betrayal. Unchecked it will absolutely kill the morale of any good organization. Come on Christians; admit your guilt, ask others to keep you accountable, and speak up when you hear someone doing it. No one likes to be confronted with the fact that they are gossiping, but if you love someone you'll tell them . . .

May light increase!

Perfection and Weakness

I was talking to one of the waiters at work yesterday about deep matters. I told him that I think that one of our biggest problems that we as humans face is that we keep choosing to believe that people won't fail us. We cling to the illusion that someone (especially those close to us) can achieve near perfection when it comes to their dealings with us. Yet everyone fails everyone else. Sure, some people do more then others (and some of those people are in jail!) but the truth is that none of us is capable of really living good. We are all sinful, as the Bible says, broken and unable to do the high and mighty things we know we ought to. Deep in our hearts we realize that we can never really be good but oh how we have high expectations of others!

We desire grace for our weakness with others, even if we won't admit or accept it. But we certainly want it. We want others to forgive us, to love us anyway, to look past our sins and mistakes. Yet at the same time we have a hard time giving that kind of grace to others. Even though we recognize our own weakness, we assume that others can or should be better. Certainly my spouse, parents, pastor, boss, children, neighbor, etc. ought to do better then me. We are continually shocked when those around us fail us. Why? Maybe because if we really accepted how messed others are, we'd have to face that these people can never ever truly make us happy. Or maybe because if we accepted our sinfulness we'd have to find some other (daily communion with God perhaps?) coping method to help us survive a sinful and depraved world? Sticking to our illusions most of the time is a lot easier!

In the church we certainly do this. We love to judge people! We often fall into the trap of believing that we saved by God's grace but then we (and others) need to earn our salvation with perfection. And if you mess up you'd better confess fast before you get hit my a bus or something! Somehow we believe that after we become believers we shouldn't really mess up much anymore. This, even though Paul (yes, Saint Paul!) talks in Romans about his wretchedness and inability to do good even when it is his hearts desire. In all of our illusions the core message of Christ gets lost: that we are sinners depending totally on the Christ's redemption of us to be reconciled to God. We need to somehow live in the discomfort of accepting our sinfulness so that we don't lose our dependence on God and so that we can treat others with grace instead of judging them. How do we do this? Don't ask me, I'm as sinful as you are! By the way, the image is "Man as Gutter Spout" a sculpture in tin by June Leaf.

May Light increase!

An Elephant Story

One day a boy came to his Father and asked "You know Dad, our teacher just showed us that the world is really round and that is it just out there alone. Gee Dad, what holds it up?"
His father, thinking that his son would be satisfied with a child's answer, said, "Well Son, a camel holds the world up." His son, always trusting his father, looked puzzled but walked away satisfied - for awhile.

The next day after he thought this over, he came back to his Dad and asked the obvious question. "Dad, you know, you said yesterday the world rests on a camel. But what holds the camel up?" His father, a bit perplexed, quickly thought, "You know, this kid's got a good question. I don't know the answer to it, but I'd better make up one - and fast." Like most fathers he knew instinctively that a quick answer turneth away further questions. So he said with confidence, "Son, a kangaroo holds the camel up."

So his son returned a short time later and said, "Hey Dad. I've still got a problem. What holds up the kangaroo?" His father was now desperate, so he thought quickly and figured he'd make one last try. So he searched his mind for the largest animal he could think of, and he put a capital on it and said loudly (if you shout, people believe you): "An Elephant holds the world up." "Come on, Dad," his son said, having now caught on that his father was not getting to the bottom of things, "What holds up the Elephant?"

So His father came back down in an exasperated stroke of pure genius, "Son, it's elephant all the way down."

This story (taken from James W. Sire's Discipleship of the Mind) illustrates the idea of presuppositions, assumptions we hold that may be true, false, or partially true. They are the beliefs we have about the way things are. You know you have a presupposition on your hands when the only thing left to do is shout, like an exasperated mom who finally just says "Because I said so!". One cannot pile animal after animal, or reason after reason on top of each other. Our beliefs about God are presuppositions. Eventually when trying to "prove" or explain His existence, we come to the place where we run out of explanations. This is where faith stands alone. Whether you are a believer, unsure, or atheistic, your beliefs (which cannot be once and for all proven) require faith. To me, this should keep all of us pretty humble.

By the way, the image is a sculpture by Salvador Dali called "Elephant with Long Legs."

May Light increase!

Enjoying the Bible Part 2: The Guilt We Feel

Hmmm . . . I was expecting more of response for Part 1 of this series. Why did not more people comment? There are many reasons of course. Some are too shy, some find the post uninteresting, some probably don't like the pressure to comment, and others are just dedicated lurkers. There is at least one other possibility though: some of us have no favorite books of the Bible. Some of us don't like reading the Bible at all but don't want to admit it publicly.

This of course is a terrible thing! What, you don't like reading the Bible??? What is wrong with you? And you call yourself a Christian?!!! These are the responses that many of us imagine in our heads (or worse have actually heard from someone) if we are honest and admit the truth. In the evangelical tradition that I come from, Scripture is king. From a very young age we are taught the importance of the Word of God. Read it! Memorize it! Study it! Know it! Obey it! "Read your Bible, pray every day, and you'll grow, grow, grow" goes an old kids song. Evangelicals continue the tradition of the Protestant reformers; Scripture is our authority and thus you need to embrace and love it.

Here's the thing though; some of us try . . . but can't.

I've been there. And although I'm not there anymore, I was and remember what it was like. And I know lots of people who are in the same boat. Actually, I know lots of Christians who don't like any kind of reading. But they think that since their tradition ties spirituality and growth as a Christian to reading the Bible that something is wrong with them. They feel extremely guilty. They want to spend an hour reading and enjoying the Bible every day . . . and they try . . . but they can't. And so they feel more guilty, more discouraged, and more hopeless about it. They condemn them self, fake it, or both. The idea of reading the Bible becomes a curse to them because they don't enjoy it (or not enough of it anyway) and the mere idea of reading it becomes a chore at best or a painful experience at worst.

It is my opinion (and that of Sacred Pathways author Gary Thomas) that God has actually designed all of us quite differently in how we connect with and experience Him. Every church tradition has its own ideas on how best to do this (prayer, Scripture, worship experience, obedience, etc) but we need to find out what works best for us and spend the lion's share of our "Godtime" doing that. For some, it is reading Scripture and praying. For other's it's helping those in need. For other's it may be listening/singing to worship music, being with God outdoors, living simply, etc. We need to stop feeling guilty about how we are not connecting to God and focus on what is most helpful to us. This is not to say that we should just give up on reading Scripture if we find it very difficult. But maybe we can spend most of our time with God doing things that really help us connect to Him and challenge ourselves to spend a smaller amount of time reading Scripture.

If we don't give ourselves permission not to like reading parts (or all) of Scripture we may be setting ourselves up for a lot of guilt and pain. We may even end up teaching ourselves to not enjoy the Word of God at all. I say enjoy the Scripture that you enjoy, even if that is only a few verses or a book or two. Celebrate that and don't feel guilty that you are not a big fan of the entire canon of Scripture. I'm sure the God who designed you and knows you can accept that. It's possible that by being more real with yourself and others about what you like/find difficult about the Bible will actually help you to grow in appreciating Scripture more. There is a place for discipline in reading the Bible, but I think God is much more interested in us loving Him and connecting with Him honestly and sincerely - whatever that looks like for us.

May Light increase!

Enjoying the Bible Part 1: The Books We Like

Have you ever asked someone what their favorite verse in the Bible is? If they are a Christian, this is usually a tough question. Most people I've asked find it difficult to choose just one. "Um, let me think about it . . ." they say awkwardly. But if you ask someone what their favorite books are in the Bible (and what makes them special), many people seem to relish the inquiry. I love hearing about why a person likes certain books - they are not just sharing their opinion but their heart and uniqueness as well.

For myself, if I was stuck on a desert island (although for me "stuck" should probably be replaced by "blessed") with only a few books of the Bible to keep me company, I would probably choose Proverbs, James, Ecclesiastes, and Matthew. I like other books of the Bible, but these are the ones that I am drawn to the most. James was the first book of the Bible that I ever had a real emotional experience with. I remember reading James alone in my room one night during my first summer away from Briercrest. The challenge to honor God with my actions hit me so hard that I literally wept. I hardly ever get bored with James. His "just do it!" attitude resonates with my desires and weaknesses in such a way that I approach the book with both anticipation and fear every time I open it up.

Proverbs and Ecclessiastes are books that whenever I read them I am always learning something new. Unlike other books, the truth in wisdom literature is situational - proverbs are not true in every situation - the context and timing matter (this is why some Proverbs appear to contradict each other). This makes them even more intriguing to me! The wisdom literature is so practical and cuts through my apathy and excuses like a knife. Some day I want to be a wise like the sages of Israel, sitting on a hill learning and dispensing wisdom to others.

And then there's Matthew. I first really read the book of Matthew in my Gospels class at Briercrest. I had the most amazing teacher, Carl Hinderager, who was in my opinion the wisest and Spirit-sensitive teacher at the school. We went through that book verse by verse and savoured and reflected upon each one. The story of Jesus came alive to me that semester, and I met Jesus in a whole new way. Coincidentally I was going through a bit of faith crisis at the time (doubting the deity of Christ) and Carl's thoughtful exploration of the book helped me to resolve my doubts during a particularly difficult time.

So here's a question for you Christ-followers out there: what are you favorite book(s) of the Bible? Why do you like them? Or do none of them "turn your crank" (honesty please)? Come on lurkers, time to come out of the closet!

May light increase!