Control Freak

Sometimes when I'm meeting with people they will tell me that their significant other (or kids) has told them they're a controller (or a control freak). Often they can't believe it - how could they say such a thing? Most people see themselves as caring very much for these people and they can't understand how their loved ones could see them this way. Perhaps you've had these labels applied to you?

When clients share this with me I like to help them to test if they are guilty of controlling or not. First of all, I help define controlling for them:

Controlling - using control behaviors.

Control behaviors - behaviors which are used to influence someone else's decision making, but in a way that does not respect their right to choose their own destiny (or without accepting the person's freedom to say no.) Control behaviors include demanding, angry outbursts, manipulating, guilting, pressuring, nagging, lecturing, bribing to control, silent treatment/withdrawing to control, etc.

Whenever we use these behaviors, not recognizing other people's rights to say no/choose their own actions, we are trying to control them. If we try to get them to change without controlling, it is influencing. People ALWAYS resent control behaviors. It is built into our DNA, we resist other people not respecting our freedom. When we trying to control others we damage our relationships with them, build resentment, and act in an unloving way towards them (control and love cannot go together). Because people make their own choices anyway (even if they feel controlled, they still choose their actions), control is always an illusion. You can't control anyway, so why try?

God doesn't control us . . . because he loves us. Control and love cannot co-exist. You can only control yourself (and that's really tough). We think controlling actions work but they don't. We may have someone go along with us in body, but not in their heart. And of course it's the heart that matters in the long run.

One of my clients has begun using this info on control at work (where he is a supervisor) and it is transforming his life. It's remarkable actually. He's way less stressed (and angry), has won the respect of his co-workers, and is teaching others. He's a recovering controller. Like me! My favorite control behavior to use was manipulation (makes sense coming from a counselor right?) but I've used them all. I pass on this info to others because it was very helpful for me. I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm recovering slowly. How about you?

Playing By The Rules

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”
-Max Lucado

Conflict itself isn't bad. In fact, it's good and will help you grow. The trick is in how it's managed. One question that I almost always get around to asking couples in crisis is "What are your rules for conflict?" Almost 100% of such couples tell me they have none. If I ask healthier coupes what their conflict rules are, they will often have one or two. My conclusion; healthier couples have rules for conflict and the healthiest couples actually follow them. Rules for conflict tend exist to protect the relationship and keep anger in conflict from getting too high.

So . . . if you are in couple, what are your rules for conflict? Every couple is different and so every couple needs different rules. Three to five rules are enough. Spending half an hour coming up with a list is an excellent use of quality time with the person you love. Set some time aside at a time that both agree to and do the following:

1. Reflect for awhile on this question; "What are the top 1, 2, or 3 things that really hurt me/tick me off when we fight?" Almost everyone can come up with these things fairly easily. Some examples include:
-interrupting me
-swearing or cutting me down
-bring up things from the past that were already dealt with
-bringing up a new subject before dealing with the first one
-raising your voice (or using "that" tone)
-not giving me space when I ask for it/pursuing me when I need space

2. From these things you can find something to make into a specific rule. For instance:
-No interrupting (if someone does and it's pointed out, they have to apologize)
-No bring bringing up new subjects until the first one is finished.

3. After both people suggest a potential rule or two, they are discussed. Both people must agree to them or else they can't be part of the rules. Then, each member of the couple makes a commitment to the other person to honor these rules, no matter what. Two wrongs don't make a right and even if the other person is breaking all the rules, the other person needs to honor them. These rules have to be set in stone. They are not wishes, they are are rules to protect the relationship from harm.

4. Begin observing your rules. Be patient with each other as new habits (like observing rules during conflict) take time to become consistent. During this phase it is so important to not rebel against your partner if they slip up and break a rule. You must be committed to these rules no matter what. You can't control the other person - only yourself. If both people slip up, it's not the end of the world, they just need to debrief what happened and recommit themselves. If one or both people can't consistently honor their own rules, then sitting down with a counselor might be necessary.

Jobina and I had to sit down a few years into our marriage and come up with some rules. We didn't really know what we were doing and it took awhile, but now the rules hardly ever are brought up because they have become a natural part of lives. Of course we each have our slips every now and then but overall angry conflict is a much rarer occurrence. Combined with following the Policy of Joint agreement (see the link) rules for conflict really reduce arguements and shorten conflict - with better results. I'm curious to hear other people's experiences with rules for conflict and also to hear any good rule that you have heard of or use. Share the wealth!

Spiritual Loneliness

I spoke with a man once who described to me how him and his wife had been hurt by a Christian organization. Both had been through the ringer emotionally. Curiously, he responded by moving closer to God but his wife moved away from Him. This created a terrible feeling which he coined as "spiritual loneliness." His spiritual intimacy with his wife had been lost and he was grieving it immensely. I often think back to this conversation and reflect on this seldom spoken about marriage topic.

Spiritual loneliness is almost a sure thing when it comes to marriage. At some point you will experience it and for some couples it is mostly the norm. For couples where one person is a non-believer then it is even more felt. Sometimes spiritual loneliness is a result of powerful expectations about one's spouse and how that it disconnected from reality. Different people have different sacred pathways (or ways of connecting with God) and this can be challenging to understand and accept.

Everyone goes through periods of dry spells, doubt, and putting God on the shelf. I'm sorry but it's true. If you haven't experienced it yet you will. Life's challenges, changes, and adjustments often are shown in the fragility of our faith. And this fragility affects the marriage in powerful ways which can certainly includes spiritual loneliness.

For better or for worse includes spiritual loneliness. How to cope with it? Some try to shame their spouse, guilt them, or manipulate them. Others depress or become anxious. And some manage to persevere. Any thoughts on this topic? I want to do a speak on it someday and I'd appreciate hearing from anyone on their experiences or advice.

Deep Question For My Son

So I was swinging beside my 8 year old boy at a park today when I thought I would impulsively ask him a deep question. I'm continually amazed at his insightful responses. Today I tried a personal one. I turned to him casually and said "Riker, what do you want from me?"

He looked at me thoughtfully and then started thinking out loud. "Well . . . I guess it depends how you mean it." He was looking for clarification but I decided not to give him any. "That's true, " I said in that vague, counselor way that doesn't mean anything but invites more.

"I guess the biggest thing is your love," he said after a a moment or two of silence. I thought that was cool and it reminded me again how important it is to show your kids that you love them. Love is the most basic of all our needs and we tend to wither when we don't receive it. Then he gave me another answer. "Also, I want you to teach me things." Hmmm . . . interesting. Just the other day I was talking with a friend about how, even as adults, we crave to learn from our Dads. We want to learn from them, to be handed down important knowledge. "So what kind of things I asked?"

"I'd like you to help me with my homework. Sometimes I have lots to do and Mommy is too busy. And you usually are there but don't help. I'd like your help more." Ouch! That kind of hurt. I'm gone alot in the evenings since that is the time that most of my clients are available. I don't remember being home and having him ask me for assistance before but maybe he has. He is now. I mentally commit myself to being more available to help with that stuff. "I'd also like you to teach me how to survive in the outdoors." I liked this one more. Can I teach him this? Perhaps - I think I could help him survive for a few days at least! I have always felt a desire to pass on my love and knowledge (as little as it is) of outdoor things to Riker and he seems to instinctively want that very thing as well. Very cool.

I liked Riker's answers, he was open and honest about what he thought, felt, and wanted. If you ever feel things are getting a bit too shallow in your relationship with someone then try something different. Why not humbly ask them that simple question "What do you want from me?" More often then not you'll be amazed at the answers and the connection this particular conversation can foster.

T or F: People Just Fall Out Of Love

I got this in a newsletter from Michele Weiner-Davis, one of my favorite marriage therapist/ authors:



True or False: "People just fall out of love."
Answer: False

Some people believe that they need to divorce their spouses because they've fallen out of love. They didn't mean for it to happen, it just happened. To them, love is a feeling that is either there or it's not there. If it's there, you get married. If it's not there, you divorce. This is one of the silliest ideas I have ever heard.

The number one cause for the breakdown in marriages in our country is that people don't spend enough time together. They take their marriages and their spouses for granted. Everything- work, the kids, soccer games, community activities, extended family obligations, and so on- becomes more important than spending time together-. The marriage gets placed on the bottom of the priority list. When this happens, people grow apart. They become two strangers passing in the night. They're no longer a team. And, because they're distant, the little time they do spend together, they end up fighting.

This distance and alienation sometimes fools people into thinking they've fallen out of love. They feel numb. They can't imagine ever re-igniting those loving feelings. But the truth is, the love hasn't been destroyed, it's just camouflaged beneath the numbness. And, by retracing the steps taken to weaken love's bond, the feelings of warmth, connection, friendship and intimacy can be restored.



While not spending enough quality time together is not the only destroyer of relationships, I agree with the author that it probably the most common (and easiest to treat). I take is a warning but also encouragement - time can indeed heal alot of wounds. One of the tasks I give couples sometimes is to schedule 10 to 15 hours a week to spend together actively meeting each others most important emotional needs. This is accomplished by giving your spouse a great gift - your undivided attention for awhile. It doesn't solve every problem but I have literally seen it transform some marriages in a week or two.

2 Things That Won't Solve Your Relationship Problems

Two things that won't solve your relationship problems:

1. Getting married.
2. Having a baby.

In fact, the above things almost always increase relationship stress! The adjustments to both these things can feel crushing to both people in a relationship and so it always better to make these commitments from a position of relative strength, not weakness. Yet you'd be amazed by the number of people in my office who are in complete crisis where one or both of them think that it would help to either get married or have a baby! I also see a lot of people who are choosing to depress and think one way to get better would be to get married/have a baby. The problem is that what the person is thinking isn't logical.

For instance, if you in constant conflict with your partner, how will having a baby fix that problem? My theory is that when we start thinking such things we are holding to the principle of distraction - whatever distracts us from our problems is good for the relationship. This principle is self deception at it's best. Sadly the practice of distraction only works, if it does work, temporarily (ask any person with addictive behaviors) and often only makes things worse. Some reasons that distraction is so compelling to us:

1. Fear. This is the big one. We are often afraid of facing the truth about ourselves or our partner because of what that might mean. So we look for creative solutions that will allow us not to face our fear head on. But facing our fears is usually the only way to find a real solution.
2. Procrastination. Need I say more?
3. Low frustration tolerance and other unhelpful beliefs about self, the world and others.
4. Past pain. Old wounds hurt and are not easy to face and let heal.

My advice to people who are experiencing relationship problems and are tempted to either get married or have a baby? Get some help. Even if your partner or spouse doesn't want to come with your, find someone who can help. A friend, a pastor, a counselor - anyone who will be supportive and wise.

What Disney Princes Teach Men About Attracting Women

The End . . .

Here is piece of wisdom that I think is helpful for anyone. If you follow it, you can live a principled life. This wisdom can improve your relationships, your ethics, your character - every part of your life really. Ready for it? OK, here it is:

The end does not justify the means.

Reflect on this for awhile. Think about how it applies to topics like

-evangelism
-your relationship with yours spouse
-your performance at work
-how you parent
-what you do when someone wrongs you
-the expression of your anger

The end does not justify the means. I don't care how great your ministry is, it does not justify you breaking laws even if "God could be glorified". No matter how much your family needs money or how much you were ripped off by others, it does not justify you cheating on your taxes. It doesn't matter how evil someone has been to you, or that you being a jerk might snap them out of it, it doesn't justify bad behavior to them. The end does not justify the means.

If you break your own rules about how things can or can't happen to try and justify some greater good . . . you have failed. When you break God's rules (aka commands) to try to achieve some great good . . . you sin. It's that simple. It's what I call a process error - people abandon their ethics to try to get justice, revenge, pleasure, or relief. But character is who you are when no one is looking. It is the ability to stay true to your ethics under duress. Under challenging circumstances.

So again I remind myself and I remind you gentle reader. We need to stop deluding ourselves an calling ourselves and each other on it. The end does not justify the means. Ever!

(OK, rant over)

Like Ships Passing In The Night

A past neighbor of mine worked in a trade. His wife was a bartender. For almost 10 years they worked opposite schedules - he worked days and she worked nights. In that time they bought a house, had 2 children, and somehow managed to keep it all together. At least we thought they did. One day they both looked at each other and said "I'm done." They didn't really know each other anymore and most of their recent interactions had been highly conflicted. They split up.

Incompatible schedules.

I shake my head when I think of all the couples I have known who thought that they could long term sustain incompatible schedules. Working opposite from your spouse may be a practical way to solve some short term problems (child rearing, financial issues, education) but long term it is death for the vast majority of relationships. Some people can manage it for a few weeks, others for a few months, and some even for a few years. But eventually cracks begin to show and things begin to deteriorate. It's only a matter of time.

The problem is that when a couple isn't together, focusing on each other, it is extremely difficult to meet their most important emotional needs. Needs such as affection, sexual fulfilment, conversation, and recreational companionship. Dr. Willard Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs believes that all couples need a minimum of 10 hours a week together to specifically focus on meeting each other's needs just to maintain a good relationship. To fix an ailing one requires many more. Emotional needs don't just take care of themselves. They require quality time together focusing on each other. Couples who are in the initial stages of relationship find this instinctual but couples who have been together longer need to choose to make this a reality.

Protecting your quality time with your spouse takes creativity, negotiation, taking some career risks, and making some sacrifices. But it is the only way to long term relational health. No relationship can survive for too long without quality time together as a foundation to build upon. So how are you doing in this area? What do you need to change? Here's a challenge I sometimes give some of my clients: spend 10-15 hours per week (for a month) in quality time with your spouse, giving your full attention to meeting each other's most important emotional needs. You may think you could never find that kind of time but what will it hurt to try it for a month? The rewards will be worth the small sacrifices you have to make. To find out what your spouse's most important emotional needs are, download a helpful questionnaire here.

Love Languages

I was thinking today about what a friend told me once. He mentioned how his sister thought his Dad was a terrible person, emotionally unavailable (ex/never said "I love you"), and blamed her Dad for her dysfunctional series of relationships. My friend though thought his Dad was a pretty good father (though not perfect), appreciated him, and felt loved. How could there be such a difference of opinion between the two siblings? Did the Father treat his children completely differently?

Thinking about it today, I hypothesize that my friend and his sister had very different love languages. For instance if the woman's love language was words of affirmation or quality time, I could see why she would feel uncared for as the Father was a very busy businessman. And if the guy telling the story had a primary love language of gifts or acts of service then I could see why he generally felt loved by his Dad and confused about why his sister felt uncared for. But the truth is that in some ways a Dad could be great with one child and a disaster with another because of the reality of love languages. We tend to respond to love when it comes in certain guises and get little reward from it if it comes in others.

Reflecting on this story, I thought about my own children; am I going to be in the same situation one day where one of my children feels very loved and another hardly at all? I felt a strong need to find their love languages soon and began using them. I don't want any of my kids to feel uncared for. It's not a mystery; we all feel loved in different ways and it is up to us to find out what makes those closest to us feel loved. I think Riker's primary love language is touch and I think Trinity's is most likely time. Do you know what your kid's (if you have them) are? Or how about your spouse or parents? If you go to the work of finding out your loved one's love languages and start doing things that work with them, you will instantly increase the feeling of love those people get from you. It can feel quite "unnatural" to show someone love in a way that is not our primary love language (I know it is for me), but that is what love really is - a choice as well as feeling. Godspeed in meeting the love language needs of those you care for!

Belonging

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
-Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Do you feel like you belong with someone? Do you feel like there is a group of people with whom you feel safe, accepted, and connected to?

The need to feel like you belong somewhere is one of the most basic of all human needs. It may not be as important as water, food, and shelter, yet it is a basic human need none the less. If you don't perceive that this need is being met for yourself you may try all sorts of things to cope with the loss of it. Addictions, depression, anxiety, violence, religiosity, self-harm, etc. The feeling of not belonging is one of the worst things we can ever experience.

I was reflecting on this today. We may try to convince ourselves that not belonging is OK, but we deceive ourselves. That sense of disconnection from others continually cries out to be remedied. Instead of blaming others, take a deep breath and steel yourself for some tough inner work. Begin considering what you might be doing to disconnect yourself from others: What thoughts do you believe about yourself? How do those beliefs manifest themselves in your actions towards others? What are you doing to repel others from you? There are many people out there who believe their lack of belonging is either other people's fault or they think something is innately wrong with them. Neither of these is accurate. Sit down with a good book on self esteem or with a counselor and work through your issues. When you do, you'll find solutions to your lack of belonging - and it will be up to you to choose to take action on the or not. I hope you do.

For those of us (OK, especially myself) who do feel like we belong, I have a different challenge. Why not invite someone into your circle of belonging? Often such people do subtle (or obvious) things to repel people but accept and include them anyway. Stretch yourself a little. Don't let their beliefs about themselves (or others) hold them down anymore. I had a friend in College who did this consistently. He was smart and could have hung out with anyone he wanted. Yet he chose those who had trouble believing they belonged and instilled confidence in them. My parents are also great examples of inviting people to belong. Ever since I can remember they extended hospitality to anyone on holidays - the continually gave (and give) people a place to belong. One of my ministry mentors Bill Morrison used to always put on his team someone who had trouble feeling they could belong. This person would always be a huge challenge for Bill but he did it because he believed that it was the right thing to do. And many of those people changed - growing in self confidence and their relationships with the Lord. Many of them grew into strong Christian leaders who then created their own circles of belonging - and began inviting those with belonging issues into them.

Sharing your life with people is important. What's your next step?

Communication Difficulties

I was listening to the a marriage counselor on the radio this morning. He said "If you don't communicate, you're marriage WILL die, so take time every day to connect with your spouse." I reflected on this for while and decided that it is true. I've seen a lot of marriages go a long time without it, but eventually the marriage will die if it doesn't get meaningful conversation. It's only a matter of time. Of course not every marriage that has died ends in divorce, but the marriage is dead none the same. What gives me hope is seeing marriages that have been in this state for a long time suddenly revived - back from the dead!

A few things that get in the way of communication:

1. resentment/unforgiveness/bitterness
2. anger
3. busyness and impossible schedules
4. poor communication and listening skills
5. forgetting that marriage is a friendship
6. a lack of making communication a priority

Communication is something that is never finished and you never get caught up in. It is like water to a plant - without it, the plant will immediately start to wilt. Whatever gets in the way of your communication, as much as is within your power, you need to deal with it. Yes your spouse has a role in things, but it's too easy to just blame them for a lack of communication in your marriage. You can't control them, you can only control yourself. If you don't know how to help the situation don't give up - get some help. Buy a book, book a vacation, go on retreat, change your schedule, see a counselor - do whatever is necessary. Think of this as a friendly reminder - you're marriage depends on it!

As I posted recently, it's amazing how far away your spouse can feel from you when you aren't communicating. Sometimes one spouse will completely ignore the other's attempt to communicate but usually it becomes something that both spouses are colluding in and enabling. The sooner this distance is addressed, the easier it is. And don't give up after only trying one way to help things. Be patient and keep experimenting with new approaches. Go to others to get encouragement and support. And good luck.

Reconnecting

Last night Jobina and I talked.

I mean, really talked.

This might not seem amazing to you, but it seems like in the past few weeks we haven't really, well, connected much with each other. I mean we've been talking to each other, but not really talking about anything beyond the practicalities of the moment. Or maybe another way to say it would be to say that we've haven't really shared our real selves with each other. You know, the deep stuff. And I for one was missing it.

You see, after you have a baby (especially if you have other kids) it feels like if you are not careful you can kind of lose your spouse. I don't mean geographically lose them but emotionally. You're so busy with kids stuff that you can lose the heart of your spouse in your weariness and the general madness that becomes your life. Last night Jobina and I decided that in spite of sleep deprivation, laziness, and the looming slight awkwardness it was time. We sat and talked to each other and shared thoughts, feelings, fears, and questions. Suddenly I felt like we were not just parents but soulmates again. And it was good. Jobina initiated it - thanks babe. It reminded me again about how fragile our relationships are and how they need constant care. And how easy it is for a distance between two people to be solved. Thanks honey.

Underestimating The Threat

As a relationship counsellor I work with alot of couples in crisis. People who seem to have it all together and suddenly everything seems to hit the fan. Then either one or both people are left wondering "What happened? Where did this come from?" Maybe it is infidelity, an addiction, abuse, or something else. I feel for such people, their pain is intense and their hurt is immense. If you have experienced any of these things in a relationship you know the kind of pain I am talking about.

While sometimes people are completely blindsided to relationship crises, most of the time there is a feeling that something is wrong beforehand. Something just seems "off" or there is nagging sense of something not being right. It seems to me that almost every couple lives with a certain amount of "taking for granted" of their marriage and their spouse and they ignore the reality that even the best marriages are somewhat fragile. It only takes something little to completely put a relationship on the rocks. It could be something like:

-A wife starts a warm friendship with a male co-worker or neighbor.
-A husband starts drinking a little more then usual.
-A wife catches her husband on a "smutty" internet site.
-A husband starts getting verbally cruel or pushes his wife during an argument.
-A spouse realizes that they have felt emotionally or sexually distant from their mate for some time.

The tendency of most of us is to simply to "let it go," either not mentioning anything or failing to assert oneself with one's spouse over a boundary violation. "Maybe it's not that serious," we say to ourselves, willing ourselves to trust that it was a onetime indiscretion. It's so much easier not to say anything, not to look distrusting, not to appear oversensitive or overcautious. But is precisely these times that spouses need to address each other and do the hard work of checking in on these things. Fears must be mastered and difficult questions asked. Requests for change (and the consequences if they don't) must be voiced. For all of these things can be threats to one's marriage and to not address them is to court disaster.

When a spouse isn't challenged on their behavior, their human nature will usually cause them to do even more of what they are doing - either openly or in secret. The Law Of Boundaries says that "whatever you put up with, you will keep on getting it - and more of it!" We need to always be vigilant in our marriage relationships and carefully and sensitively address any possible threats to it. I'm not advocating paranoia, interrogations, or fear but I am advocating vigilance and assertiveness. Every marriage will have threats introduced to it over its lifespan. Is there anything you need to address in your relationship? What's holding you back? And have you seen what happens when people ignore the signs that something is not quite right in their marriage? Just curious.

The Discipline of Romantic Retreating

I have a friend who leads a crazy busy life. He and his wife are extremely generous and hard working people. Anytime they have a chance to get away for awhile they always invite their children to come along and share in the experience. So I was overjoyed to hear that they had recently decided to get away - just the two of them - and go to a cabin for a few days together.

I was so excited for them! I caught myself praying for them, asking God to give them a beautiful few days together. You see, I'm a very big fan of what I call the discipline of romantic retreating.

Romantic retreating is going away, just the two of you (no children!), for a time to reconnect emotionally, conversationally, recreationally, spiritually, sexually, etc. I'm convinced that every couple is different but that almost every couple needs to do this occasionally or else their relationship will wither. Going away to a hotel or a cabin in the woods is not a guarantee that a relationship will be rekindled, but it increases the chances a lot. Why you ask?

When a couple tries to spend quality time together in their home it can be difficult because of the many distractions; children, finances, housework, house repairs, and the ever present spontaneity killer - familiarity. "Getting away" is like making conscious choice to put all of that on hold for awhile and show your spouse that connecting with them is of utmost importance to you - and that all that other stuff can wait (don't worry it will still be there when you get back!). Its a time to have fun together again, to be romantic, and to recapture what has faded. Retreating together is a beautiful thing and a great way to remind yourself that the tyranny of the urgent does not need to be your slave master.

I call it the discipline of retreating because it for most of us it takes a conscious choice to sacrifice two limited resources (money and time) to do. Yet whenever Jobina and I go away (usually to our fav resort, Falcon Trails), we always end up saying to ourselves "We need to do this more often." To me 3 nights is optimal but even one or two is great. I consider retreats a wise investment into one's relationship. Personally, I'd like to do a get-a-way at least every 4 months to get the most out of them. Like having a weekly or monthly date night, this is a discipline that has immediate and far lasting results on your relationship. What's your best retreating experience or where do you like to get away to?

P.S. The pic is from Mariaggi's Theme Suite Hotel here in Winnipeg, a great (though expensive) place for a romantic retreat. Waterfall hot tubs right in your room! Jobina and I spent our first night there as a married couple - it was worth every penny . . .

Sometimes All That's Needed Is A Hug

Check out this video. A shelter dog (Edie) was scheduled to be euthanized. She was fearful, aggressive, and hard to control. Then Bronwyne Mirkovich gave her another chance ...



What struck me as I watched this film is the power that loving and gentle touch can be in someone's life. So many times in counselling I will ask a wounded woman what she wants most from her husband. The most often repeated reply I hear is "Just that he would hug and hold me sometimes." One hug is not always the only thing necessary to heal people of their afflictions but there is definitely something powerful about it. Who do you need to hug today?

Excitedly Supportive

"While many men and women may not realize it, we never really outgrow the deep need we have for our loved ones to be excitedly supportive of our interests. What this means in a marriage is that the sunlight of security can shine on a marriage when we show an active interest in our loved one's life.

This was brought home to me in a tangible way when I first met a couple who became special friends. He was a huge offensive lineman for an NFL team when we first me, and his wife was perhaps 5'4" in heels. On the basis of size alone, there probably wasn't a more oddly matched pair. But in terms of their shared interests, this couple was only a heartbeat apart.

I met them at a Pro Athlete's Outreach Conference and was fascinated with a conversation we had at lunch one day. Out of curiosity, I asked this NFL wife how much she knew about the position her husband played on his team. I expected her to say something like, "Oh, he's paid to stand in front of other people." Instead, she gave me a ten minute presentation on offensive blocking techniques.

Taken aback by her grasp of the sport, I asked how she'd become such an expert on her husband's position on the team. That's when she gave me a real-life lesson on what it does to become one's spouse's biggest fan - by becoming a graduate student of their likes and dislikes. She explained that when they were first married, she resented the time he spent on the practice field, she resented all the team meetings and the travel. Finally, she grew tired of feel so negative all the time, and she decided to go on the offensive. She would stop throwing spit-balls from the back row, and get up in the front row and learn about this career that she resented so much.

She began to ask her husband all sorts of questions about playing on the line for a pro team. She even cornered a few of the assistant coaches to learn more intricate details of the game. The more she learned and read, the more of an encourager she became. That's when a funny thing happened.

As her level of encouragement and interest went up, she noticed their marriage improving. While it wasn't her goal to get anything from her husband in return, he began showing more than a passing interest in her likes and dislikes. What this wise woman had done was to push back the dark clouds of resentment to let the sunlight of security shine on her marriage. She didn't try to "coach" her husband, but her knowledge and interest in his life said clearly, "Because you're so important to me, your interests are important to me, too."

At the end of our conversation, my huge pro-football friend made a comment I've never forgotten: "Sometime I'll have to tell you how much my wife's taught me about refinishing antiques. I wouldn't be surprised if learning about one her big interests is where I end up after football." For this couple, being committed to each other meant showing interest in the things they individually valued. The message came over loud and clear that because of that, the felt secure in each other's love and commitment."

-As told by Gary Smalley in "Love Is A Decision"

The Day After . . .

Well, it's the day after, how was your V-Day? Mine was pretty good. Our house is the den of sickness right now so we were happy to just have a brief reprieve from vomiting (that came back today) but Jobina and I spent some nice time just hanging out together. I have blogged in the past about the unique ways that we react to Valentine's Day, but hopefully you observed the day in one way or another. Maybe a date, a card, flowers, some kind words, or some time spent together. I will assume that if you are married that you probably did something.

Aside from the pressure, commercialization, and general madness that is Valentine's day, I really like the idea of either a special occasion or a reminder to woo that special someone. What is natural in the beginning of a relationship gets tougher as person moves out of the "in-love" stage that is the hallmark of all romantic relationships. This "in-love" experience has been studied and is a chemical/emotional high that accompanies all romantic beginnings. It is the true manifestation of eros love - a love that desires and is captivated by the beauty of another. Studies show that is accompanied by obsessive thinking. Because the person is always on your mind, romantic acts are as natural as breathing. It's a great stage, but it doesn't last forever - research pegs it lasting to a max of about 2 years (slightly more if the romance is a secret -as in an affair).

The thing about eros love (erotic love?) is that is is very centered on . . . oneself. "I love you . . . because of what I get from you." We never say this of course, and we may protest it, but it's true. I'm starting to realize that while this love is not necessarily inferior, it is certainly not it's highest form. It is merely a beginning . . . hot, passionate, and exciting, but only a beginning. Feeling in love is not the same as being loving.

Which brings me to my thought today: What would it be like if we pretended that everyday was Valentine's Day? What if we made a choice to love our spouses in extraordinary ways, every day? One of the Greek's words for love is agape, which is a sacrificial kind of love that is very different from eros. Instead of focusing on what we get out of the other person, it focuses on loving the other person. It says that love is patient, kind, not envying, not boasting, never proud. It is not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered. Amazingly, this kind of love keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Pretty radical stuff.

In 1 Corinthians 13 (the passage I've been contemplating lately and where the above description comes from) it says that nothing matters if it isn't done with this kind of love. I am still trying to wrap my head around it but for me it is deeply humbling because I don't know if I have ever lived even remotely like this. My friend Andrew challenged me to speak on this passage at my youth speak in Teulon and now I'm finding this old, familiar passage is overwhelming me. All of this is simply to say that for Christ-followers, every day is Valentine's Day, a day to show our spouse that they are loved, not because of what they will do for us, but because this kind of love is the only way to live a life worthwhile. It doesn't mean that we can't still enjoy eros (after all, it is a wonderful gift from God), but lavishing agape love on our mate is the greatest thing we can do on this Earth, for God and for each other. I only wish I had realized it earlier.

Assuming Other's Motives

The following is a tale told by Joe Wagner in Reader's Digest:

I was attending a junior stock show when a grand-champion lamb, owned by a little girl, was being auctioned. As the bids reached five dollars per pound, the little girl, standing beside the lamb in the arena, began to cry. At ten dollars, the tears were streaming down her face and she clasped her arms tightly around the lamb's neck. The higher the bids rose, the more she cried. Finally, a local businessman bought the lamb for more than $1000, but then announced that he was donating it to the little girl. The crowd applauded and cheered.

Months later, I was judging some statewide essays when I came across one from a girl who told about the time her grand-champion lamb had been auctioned. "The prices began to get so high during the bidding," she wrote, "that I started to cry from happiness." She continued with: "The man who bought the lamb for so much more than I ever dreamed I would get returned the lamb to me, and when I got home, Daddy barbecued the lamb--and it was really delicious."


I love that story. To me it illustrates how futile and prone to error it is to assume anyone's motives, to think we know why they acted a certain way. Assuming others motives is wrong for several reasons:

-Assuming other's motives and trying to call them on it is like telling lies. Why? Because unless you can read minds you actually only have guesses at what someone is/was thinking. Because of this you will always be wrong; either totally, mostly, or at least a little wrong every time you think you know someone's motives. But you will never be completely right.
-Most people will react badly to anyone assuming they know why they did what they did. At best they will become defensive or indignant and at worst they will become openly hostile. Want to make a conflict worse? Assume someone's motives! The sparks will fly.

You can never offer feedback on someone's motives (always unknown), only on their actions (visible and verifiable). I have helplessly watched many individuals, ministry teams, couples, and family members ignore this principle and suffer for their folly. Do you do this, do you try to assume other's motives and then call them on it? If you do, there is no gentle way to say it: you aren't acting in a helpful way. The first rule of sharing feedback with others is never to assume motives, only address people's specific behaviors. Once you, your marriage, or your ministry team makes this a rule you will be amazed at how much more quickly you can work through conflict. Try it, it works!

Timing Is Everything...

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

I have always enjoyed this passage from Ecclesiastes. There is certainly a time for everything. I find it intriguing how a sense of good timing can benefit someone. You have heard of emotional and social intelligence? How about timing intelligence? Well, I'd say that one's "timing quotient" (T.Q. ?) ranks right up there. Often when I have couples in my office one of their big problems is a terrible sense of timing. They do the right things . . . but at the wrong time. It's incredible how often people can miss this as I have found in my own marriage. It took me several years to figure out that Jobina does not want to talk about anything serious late at night so I might as well not bother. And she has realized that if she tries talking to me about things that are important to her while I'm watching a TV show, reading, or on my computer that she is in for frustration and disappointment. Even our kids seem to understand that there is a good time and a bad time to ask for things - waiting til Mom is in a good mood gets better results.

Sometimes we get disappointed in a relationship when we make a reasonable request of someone but find it continually rebuffed. Instead of getting bitter and angry (blaming them for their selfishness) try changing when you ask the person. I think of couples where one spouse is continually hearing "no" when they request lovemaking from their partner. Often (not always of course, there can be many factors involved) it is simply that they ask at the wrong time of day or under the wrong circumstances. If they try asking at a better time they find their chances greatly improved. Sometimes timing really is everything. People with a high T.Q. wait for just the right moment. I know a guy on a board I serve on. Sometimes he'll wait 20 or 30 minutes into a discussion and then suddenly, voila, he says his opinion. Because of his timing (and patience to wait for the right moment) people listen and respond favorably to him. What a gift to know the right time for things!

Of course if you don't have a high sense of timing all is not lost. Just ask people - when would be a good time to talk to you? When would be a good time to ask for something? Under what circumstances is it a bad time to approach you? Timing Intelligence is a learned skill, if you are willing to put the time and effort into acquiring it. Good luck!