The Black Hole

“If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.”
-Dr. R. W. Shepherd

My church is doing a short series on the black hole of depression. An interesting choice of subjects I daresay! Since most people will have at least one period of short term minor depression and one in every 5 or 6 will experience a period of major depression over their lives, it seemed a good topic to speak about in church. Too often Christians who are struggling with depression don't get compassion from their fellow believers, they get this instead:

1. "You need more faith, what's wrong with you?"
2. "Why can't you just snap out of it?"

The stigma that goes with depression is hard enough to persevere through without Christians shooting their wounded in this way. I'm really proud of our church for presenting a seminar this coming Saturday on Depression and Mental Illness. It will focus on the why of depression, the challenges it brings, and what can be done about it. The presenter will be Dr. Mervin Van Der Spuy, one of my former professors at Providence Theological Seminary who is very knowledgeable about this topic. He has a specialization in psychopharmacology (the study of medicine/psychology to help those struggling with mental illness and problems in living). The seminar goes from 9am-12 noon at Cornerstone Alliance Church in Winnipeg and there will be time at the end for an extended Q and A session with our speaker. If you are looking for more information on how to help someone with depression/mental illness or perhaps you are wondering about assistance options for yourself, feel free to come check it out. Mervin is an expert on medication/drug options for helping with mental illness and is a fascinating speaker.

T or F: People Just Fall Out Of Love

I got this in a newsletter from Michele Weiner-Davis, one of my favorite marriage therapist/ authors:



True or False: "People just fall out of love."
Answer: False

Some people believe that they need to divorce their spouses because they've fallen out of love. They didn't mean for it to happen, it just happened. To them, love is a feeling that is either there or it's not there. If it's there, you get married. If it's not there, you divorce. This is one of the silliest ideas I have ever heard.

The number one cause for the breakdown in marriages in our country is that people don't spend enough time together. They take their marriages and their spouses for granted. Everything- work, the kids, soccer games, community activities, extended family obligations, and so on- becomes more important than spending time together-. The marriage gets placed on the bottom of the priority list. When this happens, people grow apart. They become two strangers passing in the night. They're no longer a team. And, because they're distant, the little time they do spend together, they end up fighting.

This distance and alienation sometimes fools people into thinking they've fallen out of love. They feel numb. They can't imagine ever re-igniting those loving feelings. But the truth is, the love hasn't been destroyed, it's just camouflaged beneath the numbness. And, by retracing the steps taken to weaken love's bond, the feelings of warmth, connection, friendship and intimacy can be restored.



While not spending enough quality time together is not the only destroyer of relationships, I agree with the author that it probably the most common (and easiest to treat). I take is a warning but also encouragement - time can indeed heal alot of wounds. One of the tasks I give couples sometimes is to schedule 10 to 15 hours a week to spend together actively meeting each others most important emotional needs. This is accomplished by giving your spouse a great gift - your undivided attention for awhile. It doesn't solve every problem but I have literally seen it transform some marriages in a week or two.

The End . . .

Here is piece of wisdom that I think is helpful for anyone. If you follow it, you can live a principled life. This wisdom can improve your relationships, your ethics, your character - every part of your life really. Ready for it? OK, here it is:

The end does not justify the means.

Reflect on this for awhile. Think about how it applies to topics like

-evangelism
-your relationship with yours spouse
-your performance at work
-how you parent
-what you do when someone wrongs you
-the expression of your anger

The end does not justify the means. I don't care how great your ministry is, it does not justify you breaking laws even if "God could be glorified". No matter how much your family needs money or how much you were ripped off by others, it does not justify you cheating on your taxes. It doesn't matter how evil someone has been to you, or that you being a jerk might snap them out of it, it doesn't justify bad behavior to them. The end does not justify the means.

If you break your own rules about how things can or can't happen to try and justify some greater good . . . you have failed. When you break God's rules (aka commands) to try to achieve some great good . . . you sin. It's that simple. It's what I call a process error - people abandon their ethics to try to get justice, revenge, pleasure, or relief. But character is who you are when no one is looking. It is the ability to stay true to your ethics under duress. Under challenging circumstances.

So again I remind myself and I remind you gentle reader. We need to stop deluding ourselves an calling ourselves and each other on it. The end does not justify the means. Ever!

(OK, rant over)

Sowing and Reaping

Today as I was walking to work I was thinking about the law of sowing and reaping. The idea of this being a law was set forth by Cloud and Townsend in their excellent "Boundaries" books but the idea comes straight from the Bible itself:

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."
- Galatians 6:7

The law of sowing and reaping is the law of cause and effect. Simple reality. You can’t avoid the consequences of your actions. If you overspend, you will most likely get into debt. If you eat right and exercise, you will have better physical health. Obvious, right? However, in human relationships, some people try to save others from this law by stepping in and reaping the consequences for someone else. For example, if every time you overspent, your parents stepped in and covered for you, they would be keeping you from experiencing natural consequences. And you’d never learn anything. You would do it over and over again.

Many of us struggle with this tendency to “step in” when it is not wise to do so. It is like a savior mentality where we feel like we want to save those we love from ever being hurt. Yet it is in getting hurt that we learn. Some of us have gone to great lengths to “fix” something for someone else, but by doing that, we not only drain ourselves, but take power away from those we care about – keeping them from experiencing the consequences and learning from them. This is called codependence.

Some of us have been in relationships where our partner attempted to do the same for us – to “rescue” us from the pain naturally occurring from the choices we made. Who are you protecting from the natural consequences of their actions? Your friend, your children, your spouse? How are you preventing their growth and independence? There is a place for grace and for mercy. But when people repeatedly do things that would usually result in negative consequences for them and we repeatedly rescue them from those consequences they learn nothing. You are actually doing them a world of harm. Stop it! Just stop it! Stop being codependent! Stop paying for their mistakes. Let them experience the consequences so that they can grow from them. I write this for every spouse with an addicted partner, every parent who keeps paying their kids way and rescuing them financially, every friend who is constantly rescuing their friends from themselves as a way of "caring." And I write it for myself.

Timing Is Everything...

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

I have always enjoyed this passage from Ecclesiastes. There is certainly a time for everything. I find it intriguing how a sense of good timing can benefit someone. You have heard of emotional and social intelligence? How about timing intelligence? Well, I'd say that one's "timing quotient" (T.Q. ?) ranks right up there. Often when I have couples in my office one of their big problems is a terrible sense of timing. They do the right things . . . but at the wrong time. It's incredible how often people can miss this as I have found in my own marriage. It took me several years to figure out that Jobina does not want to talk about anything serious late at night so I might as well not bother. And she has realized that if she tries talking to me about things that are important to her while I'm watching a TV show, reading, or on my computer that she is in for frustration and disappointment. Even our kids seem to understand that there is a good time and a bad time to ask for things - waiting til Mom is in a good mood gets better results.

Sometimes we get disappointed in a relationship when we make a reasonable request of someone but find it continually rebuffed. Instead of getting bitter and angry (blaming them for their selfishness) try changing when you ask the person. I think of couples where one spouse is continually hearing "no" when they request lovemaking from their partner. Often (not always of course, there can be many factors involved) it is simply that they ask at the wrong time of day or under the wrong circumstances. If they try asking at a better time they find their chances greatly improved. Sometimes timing really is everything. People with a high T.Q. wait for just the right moment. I know a guy on a board I serve on. Sometimes he'll wait 20 or 30 minutes into a discussion and then suddenly, voila, he says his opinion. Because of his timing (and patience to wait for the right moment) people listen and respond favorably to him. What a gift to know the right time for things!

Of course if you don't have a high sense of timing all is not lost. Just ask people - when would be a good time to talk to you? When would be a good time to ask for something? Under what circumstances is it a bad time to approach you? Timing Intelligence is a learned skill, if you are willing to put the time and effort into acquiring it. Good luck!

Picking Power

There is an old saying:

"You can pick your friend, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. If you try it will get messy!"

When it comes to interacting with other people we need to remember; we can't make them do what we want them to do. Whenever we try, it gets messy.

I find that most of us need to be reminded of this basic fact, especially as it relates to how we approach our family and friends. You can only change yourself! You may know what is wrong with your family member - and you may even know what to do about it. But until they are convinced that their current behavior is a problem to them and experience a real desire to change, nothing worthwhile is going to happen. If you try to get them to change, and those elements aren't present in them, they won't change. And if you try to force them, they will resist and you will only get frustrated and eventually damage the relationship. . .

Living With Our Mistakes

When I was a camp director, I felt like I did a pretty decent job. But one mistake I made haunted me for a long time. It was the last day of camp and we were and we were just about finished the end-of-season clean up of the facility. I was with my assistant director and a group of guys who were taking refuse to the garbage dump. We had a really heavy little trailer loaded up with things but when we got to the gates of the dump they were closed and locked. Our little trailer was quite heavy but some of the guys came up with the bright idea of picking it up and lifting it over the gate. My first instinct was that this was too dangerous but I waffled. We were so close to being done and to wait for someone to track down the key (or to unload the trailer, throw it over, and reload it) seemed like an eternity. Everyone was in a terrible hurry to get it done. My assistant director chimed in "Let's just do it." Against my better judgment I agreed and we tried to lift it over.

The first time we tried I realized the trailer was much heavier then I thought and it scared me to think what could happen. At that moment I wish I had put a stop to it but I didn't. On the second try we just about had it over when something slipped. Suddenly a sharp piece of metal slashed my hand as myself and our maintenance man for the week tried to catch it. I heard a scream and noticed that the maintenance guys fingers were drenched in blood and a few looked half severed. My own hand was dripping blood as well and I felt panic rising in me. A few minutes later the nurse came by (an incredible blessing) and we asked her to patch up our man's hand as best as she could and rush him to the hospital. Then I sat down and promptly passed out (at least that is what I was told, I don't honestly remember).

Back at the camp I was sitting, still in shock over what had happened and getting my hand patched up and I remember feeling a powerful wave of regret and anguish come over me. I felt so terrible for what I had allowed to happen that I was momentarily overwhelmed with the burden of it. My staff person Dayna was there to offer support and encouragement but I could barely hear it. I was already into full-blown blaming and self-loathing. I had made a terrible mistake and someone else had suffered for it.

It took me a couple of months before I fully forgave myself for my lapse in judgment - my failure to stop what my gut told me was too risky an action. When something like that happens to you, you start to beat yourself up. Strange and toxic thoughts get stuck in your mind, things like "I deserved for this to happen," "I'm a failure", or "I'm incompetent." Eventually I had to dispute and challenge these thoughts. With the help of friends and family, I tested these beliefs and found them to be . . . lies. I trusted in God for his grace and chose to forgive myself. I had to accept my imperfection and move on. It was hard work but with it came freedom.

Is that where you are? Are you beating yourself up over some terrible mistake you made? If so, I encourage you not to keep your struggle to yourself. Share it with someone and expose the secret to the light of truth. Everyone makes mistakes, don't hold onto them longer then you need to.

ASBO Jesus Friday: Waterfall

(Click to enlarge)

At the heart of wisdom, successful relationships, career success, mental wellness, spiritual vitality, and much more . . . is this one simple thing.

Personal responsibility.

As long as you are blaming things (or people) outside of yourself, you will never truly be able to grow and move on. There is so little you can change in others, the biggest thing you can change is . . . you. So stop blaming everyone else for where you are - instead, take responsibility for your own healing/success/happiness and do something different! Face your fears, take a step of faith . . . and move. With God's help you see change in your life, but it starts with you taking responsibility for what you have done and what you can do.

Why It's So Hard To Get A Date Out Of Your Husband: A Developing Theory

OK, this might seem a bit convoluted but stick with me.

Today I was meeting with one of my co-workers when I came up with this theory. I was trying to figure out what kept me procrastinating on filling out some forms; forms that once processed would allow me to be an official Province of Manitoba therapist for working with victims of violent crime. As I was reflecting I realized that part of why I wasn't applying for it had nothing to do with the obvious reasons that had been in my head (I'm so busy, it's such a pain). My theory is that I wasn't applying for it because I was worried about if I could do it. In essence then I was procrastinating because of how I feel about myself as a counselor, specifically I was worried about how I would do counselling victims of violent crime (a type of client I have not had experience with yet). In short, I procrastinated because I was afraid. Afraid of not knowing what to do, afraid of going out of my comfort zone, and possibly afraid of failure.

This made me think, where I seen this kind of thing before? Aha, husbands in therapy who procrastinate on going on dates with their wives! Often I have given the task of going out on a date to a husband only to see him procrastinate on it for weeks or even months. When I inquire as to what's stopped him from doing it there are always the obvious answers (time, finances, forgot). For some these are the real reasons, but I wonder if there is something even less obvious: a real fear of failure and fear of rejection mixed with performance anxiety. When a marriage is stale or hurting, it takes huge effort to initiate something like a date. At least for men, most women (even the really angry ones) seem open to going on a date, no matter how bad things are. But for men, well, many struggle. They feel intense pressure to perform - to be romantic and to initiate something. So many resist. In therapy they commit and say it's a good idea but then their fear holds them back. This dissapoints and angers their wives even more who got their hopes up. The man knows he's dissapointed his wife and the distance between them grows . . .

Perhaps if the women could empathize and undestand their husband's fear, they could do things to make the action of dating easier for there men (via not putting on the pressure and offering acceptance/reassurance). Or perhaps it's the language of dating itself shouldn't be used as so many men hear pressure in it. But I think that if a man can honestly name and face his fears, he has a better chance at following through and getting back into dating his mate. So what do you think? Does my theory hold any water? Feel free to critique, add to it, or throw your own out there.

Policy of Joint Agreement Challenge: Are You In?

This weekend we attended the wedding of Nolan and Sophia, both of who were former staff when I was director at Beaver Creek Bible Camp. Nolan was also one of the students in my youth group and we really enjoyed seeing them tie the knot, as well as hang out with friends from Mennville and the Interlake. Good times.

Anyway, of the many cool things about their wedding one stood out to me. On every tables was a little card with a looping on it" was to be filled out. The MC explained that this was for giving the couple "advice," "encouragement," "well wishes," "or techniques" (yes, he really said that last one). Anyway, I wrote on my mine that if they wished to avoid about 80% of their fights that they should agree to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. I've blogged about it here and you can get more info from the source here. Essentially this is what it is:

The Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse

I use this alot with couples in my counseling as it teaches (forces?) them to learn how to negotiate, avoid bad feelings towards another, stamps out bad habits, reduce power struggles, and best of all helps increase the feeling of love. I mentioned my advice to another of my former students that evening and challenged him and wife to try it for 30 days. I was surprised when they immediately accepted! This gave me an idea, why not find a group of couples willing to try it and then get them to report back to me on how it went for them? So yes, I'm looking for some couples who are both enthusiastically willing to try following the Policy for 30 days. You can be newly married or married for 40 years - it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you try the policy for 30 days and fill out a short questionnaire afterwards. The results will benefit me and especially my future clients in marital therapy. If you are willing to do try this, please leave a comment here (make sure you OK it with your spouse first!) or email me directly at markwestman at gmail.com. Also, if you have any questions, concerns, or outright critiques, feel free to post them in the comments section. Have a great day!