It Takes One To Tango: Part 2

Hopefully in my last I opened up your mind to consider that it may only take you to change your marriage for the better. Some may argue that the following techniques are a form of manipulation. Like I do, Weiner believes that manipulation gets a bad rap - we are all manipulators. Manipulation simply means we are attempting to influence someone else's behavior toward our own ends. Everyone does this! When our motivation is good and our technique is loving, there is nothing to be ashamed of here. Our actions towards others always result in some sort of reaction - thus the wiser and more noble the attempts to influence them the better. We need to plan and think carefully about our actions so as to preserve and protect our most important relationships. Those who think they are not trying to manipulate their loved ones are believing a deception. Of course there is bad manipulation (with bad motives, not respecting people's autonomy) and good motivation (good motives, with respect to people's right to choose their destiny). Here are few ways that one person can effect radical change on a relationship:

1. Cheerleading. Ask yourself this question: are you more complimentary or critical? Most people will say they are more critical. Often our greatest criticism is reserved for those closest to us. Research shows that the single most effective way to modify someones behavior is to positively reward that person when they behave in way that you want them to. Simple. In marriage we often lose sight of the fact that our spouse does many things we like - and we take it for granted. Punishment and criticism rarely work to change someone (although we get stuck trying it again and again). Many marriages have been saved by one partner choosing to thank and compliment their partner for the things that they appreciate - instead of focusing and criticizing them for everything they do wrong. Sometimes all a relationship needs to get it back on track is one partner sincerely complimenting and honoring something the other partner has done. The partner feels appreciated and reciprocates - it works.

2. Focus on the problem free times. Most couples who come into therapy are deep in the midst of big problems. They've fought, argued, and feel hopeless that thing will change. One way to find a solution to current problems is focus on the problem free times. "When are things better?" "When was a time that you weren't fighting?" "What was different then?" Many couples will say that they were weren't fighting when the wife wasn't nagging, the husband listened to her, when they spent regular time together, etc. Many, many times the answer on how to fix things is simply to return to what you did when times were better. What's changed? What was different then? Can you start doing those things again?

3. Act as if. There is a famous story in counseling. A woman came in saying that she hated her ignorant husband and wanted to get a divorce. The counselor asked her if she really wanted to "get him good" beforehand. She was intrigued. He told her that to really get him back for all the terrible things he'd done to her she should spend the next six months acting as if she truly loved him. Then when she surprised him with the divorce he'd be destroyed. The woman agreed: she would do everything in her power to act like she loved and adored her husband and then in six months - wham! The counselor encouraged her but told her it would only work if she would devote herself completely to the ruse. Six months later the woman came back in. The counselor asked if she wanted a divorce. She was shocked. Divorce him? Never! As she began to pretend that she loved him, her feelings towards him started to reflect her actions. Not only that, but her husband noticed the change and began to act more lovingly towards her as well! Sometimes as well when we approach our spouse we have a negative assumption about how things will turn out. Fight this assumption, instead act as if it will go very well. Our attitudes and assumptions change our interactions. Try it.

4. Do something different. It is fascinating how humans will keep on doing the same thing in a relationship even though it never works. This could include shouting, criticizing, withdrawing, ignoring, nagging, pursuing, etc. Cathy was someone who every time her husband was upset, assumed he was angry or upset with her. She would frequently ask "What's wrong?" He would respond with "Nothing." She'd then say "I know something is wrong, what is it?" He would say, "Nothing, please stop asking me that." She would insist that her perception was right and eventually he would explode in anger. One day she decided to do something different. In the car she noticed her husband was sullen. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Nothing," he responded. Instead of pursuing him she tried something new by turning on the radio and singing to a song. Within a few minutes he said "Hon, do you mind if I turn down the radio, there's something I'd like to discuss with you." He proceeded to share his feelings about something that happened that day. It was the first time in their entire marriage that he opened up to her voluntarily. She changed, he changed! Another story. A man who wanted to change things told his wife that from now on if they were going to fight, they were going to do so without their clothes on. Since this would obviously eliminate a lot of public place for fighting in, they agreed to it. Inevitably one day they started to argue and the man began angrily shedding his clothes. His wife couldn't believe he was serious and started laughing. Soon they were both laughing! By changing their behavior the couple managed to change the way they interacted. Arguments became less common and were over faster. Couples get into behavior cycles together. When one person chooses to do something different they choose to break that cycle. Breaking the cycle is the first step to better solutions and better marriages. . .

These techniques are not guaranteed to solve the big, difficult issues in a marriage. Instead they are useful in helping two people get to a place where they are not captive to old ways of doing their relationship that just won't work. Tomorrow I'll share two last techniques that are slightly more controversial . . . and powerful.

May Light increase!