Thou Dost Protest Muchly

Lately I've been reflecting on something. Kind of swishing it around in my brain. I have two children, ages 5 and 7 and sometimes they argue (OK, they argue quite a bit). I don't like to listen to it but lately I've heard the catchphrase "It's not fair!" repeated a lot. I felt this kind of "deja vu" feeling. Because I realized that I hear that phrase alot in my counselling office.

"It's not fair!" Whenever children (or adults start dropping this phrase), productive communication is just about done. The phrase drips with protest and a vague understanding of some universal but hidden (to the other person!) truth. When we suggest that something is not fair, what we are really meaning is "It's doesn't seem fair to me."

The problem is that fairness is totally subjective (subjectivity - judgment based on individual personal impressions and feelings and opinions rather than external facts ). By trying to label something as unfair, we attempt to show someone that the universal standard of "fair" has been broken and so we protest. But since fair is different for everyone, it almost never settles anything. We just argue over why my version of fair is truer then yours. Solutions rarely come out of such contests.

When we ask someone to submit themselves to our definition of fairness we are asking them to let go of their definition of fair and take on ours. That is why it is rarely successful (just come listen to my kids argue for awhile and you'll see this - or come listen to angry couples in therapy). And ven if we could all agree on what is fair, why must people act fairly? Or why must life be fair? Or even why must God be fair? Do you realize how crazy it is for us to expect other people/the world/God to be fair (by our unique definition)? It is madness, madness I say! People are flawed, so is the world, and God's definition of fairness is completely perfect and thus different then ours. Sure, it would be great if people/the world/God would treat us fairly (as we define it) but why must they? Is there a law written saying it ought to be so? Or were you promised such fairness at birth? I know I wasn't!

I think that we need to let go of using the word fair so easily. Like other unhelpful words ("must" and "should" come to mind) I am going to try pruning it from my vocabulary. I realize that the Bible does use the word fair a few times so I won't suggest getting rid of it completely, but few people seem to use it in a helpful way.

Here's a little test, the next time you hear someone fighting over something listen to hear if someone says "you're not being fair." And even if they don't say it out loud, they are probably thinking it. "You should be acting more fairly" (or something similar) is so often our silent argument that we ought to have it tattooed on our foreheads to save us time and energy! By focusing on how unfair things are, I have seen people become depressed, destroy their marriages, ruin their careers, and shipwreck their faith. This is very important: Life is not always fair. In fact, it can be very unfair. That's OK, with God's help and other's encouragement you can survive it. You can take it. And maybe, just maybe, even with all the unfairness you can still have a satisfying, enjoyable, and meaningful life. Go ahead, try and change what you can. But when you can't and life is unfair . . . accept your reality and move on.