Spontaneous Parenting Theory

“Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes.”
-Chinese Proverb

Yesterday I was sitting around the table (at Chez Cora's) with my family. The kids were lost in their own worlds and us adults were discussing parenting. In the midst of our conversation (which was specifically about discipline) I spouted the following theory:

Although some children have natural ADD or ADHD, I'm wondering about how many children's behavioral issues stem from disciplining mistakes made at home. Since so many children are parented by single parents (or because the other spouse is gone so much its almost the same thing), many children end up with only one functional parent. This one parent undergoes what all parents do - the incessant challenging of authority. A single parent must continually fight the desire to "sluff off," compromise, and ignore infractions as the disciplinarian of the household. Unfortunately when one is parenting alone this slide becomes imperceptible. In other words, the parent sluffs off in acceptable levels of discipline without even realizing they've done it. They begin to accept rudeness, disobedience, lack of respect, non-responsiveness, demandingness, etc from their children. Perhaps deep in the back of their minds they realize something is wrong, but they often feel powerless to do something about it.

My theory is that this natural slide of parental discipline and control is worse the more alone the parent is in their duties. There is something beautiful about having two parents call each other on stuff ("Hey, why are you letting him talk to you like that?"), offer fresh solutions ("Why not send them to their rooms?)"), and be an encouragement ("I know you feel bad about taking away her dolls, but you did the right thing"). In other words, parenting seems best when it is done as a team. I have called Jobina on things and she points outs my parental mistakes to me.

I realize my own "slide" mentality when I watch our kids alone for an extended time. Laziness at calling the kids on things, assigning and enforcing consequences, etc. naturally seems to happen the longer I parent the kids by myself. The old stereotypical view that women make the best caregivers and can do just fine without assistance seems dangerous to me. To raise behaved, psychologically healthy, and confident children is not easy, but it is easier (I think) when parents have the opportunity to love and influence their children as a team.

Am I saying that single moms and dads cannot hope to parent as well? Not at all. I think that there are many single parents who are better parents then some mother/father teams! But I think that they have to work much harder then an involved two parent family to get the same results. Also single parents can rely on family, friends, and church family who can help "parent" children and provide those extra person supports (accountability, encouragement, solutions, etc) that every parent needs so badly.

My theory (which you are free to poke holes in by the way) challenges me to not sluff off (which I often do) in the parenting of our children. I'm also challenged to keep my eyes and heart open to be a support to the single parents in my midst. And as long as theory becomes action, I should be OK.

May Light increase!

Newspaper Clippings

I saw these recently and they made me smile. They aren't really deep, but they are amusing. Have a great Saturday!

















Which one did you like the best?

Battle Cry Of The Fool

The battle cry of the fool: "Don't tell me what to do!"
- Rod Appleby

This morning I glanced up and saw this quote on a calendar at Turning Point. So true, so true.

Overcoming Adversity

Thanks ysmarko for pointing out this video. It's a great illustration of how it is possible to overcome our weaknesses and limitations:



Are you focusing too much on your limits/weaknesses and not enough on your potential? What action can you take (today) to change view of yourself and your situation?

Jumping To Conclusions

Last night at around 10:50 or so Jobina and I were watching TV in our living room. Actually I was blogging and she was watching TV. Suddenly, we heard knocking on our back door. Jobina screamed "There's a man outside our window!" Our drapes were open and we could a teenage boy in the dim light outside. He was a dark skinned guy with short hair, a peach fuzz moustache, and was wearing an oversized hoodie. I started to get up to answer the door but Jobina told me in no uncertain terms that this would be a bad idea! I thought to myself, maybe she's right. I shouted to the boy through our 1970's cheap and thin windows "Hello?"

"Could I borrow a shovel?" he yelled back, "I'm stuck." Smelling a rat I asked him back "Where's your car?" He pointed and said "Around the corner." I told him that we had a shovel in our front yard he could borrow." I watched him go around our house, to the front and grab the shovel. He went to to the back again and we saw him break into a run when he got out into the back alley. Hmmm . . .

"Not sure if we'll get that shovel back," said Jobina quietly. I was secretly thinking the same thing. Jobina and I were a little on edge after that. Jobina told me that one of our neighbors had had something similar happen to them and within a day or two they had been robbed. Had this guy been casing out our house? I'm a pretty optimistic person, but even I had to admit this was possible. And there was his story about being stuck. It hasn't snowed for several days! We closed our drapes and waited.

After 40 minutes the guy still hadn't come back. I decided to walk around the block and see if I could see anything. Jobina wasn't happy about this, but she let me go. I told her I should be back in about 10 minutes. I was going to tell her what to do if I didn't return, but thought that she probably couldn't handle it. I went around the block and started to approach the general area when the guy had pointed. As I got closer I could see the back of a car, parked in the middle of the road, lights on and engine running. I could make out somone in the back smoking. I didn't get too close because I didn't want them to see me. Wow, maybe they really were casing our house (or others on the block)! I crept back to the house. A much relieved Jobina opened the door and I explained the situation. I told her that maybe we should call the police - suspicious behavior after all. First though I wanted to get a license plate number. Jobina warned me not to get myself killed!

I went back out but as I was approaching the car (still there) I saw a van come up behind it. Instead of bolting the car just stayed right where it was. The van actually bumped the car, spun it's tires for a moment, and then a man got out and when to talk to the people in the car. Hmmm . . maybe the car had been stuck I thought. I went back to our house and went out to our back yard. Peering over the fence I could hear the unmistakable sound of spinning tires. Doh, somebody was stuck there! I told Jobina sheepishly that it appeared the car was really stuck and that I walked out to investigate. Sure enough the poor guys had got stuck by taking the corner too sharply and getting hung up on a snow bank. The person in the van was just trying to help them. They hadn't returned my shovel because they were trying to use it every now and then to free the car. I tried to help them but eventually they gave up and called a tow truck.

Can you see the errors in judgement that Jobina and I made? A boy knocks at our back door and we start jumping to conclusions. The boys age and darker skin, combined with the time of night and the way he came to our back door (through our yard) made us jumpy and predisposed us to think negatively. When Jobina told me the story of someone being cased and then robbed we started to come up with a hypothesis about what was happening. We then saw everything through our hypothesis - we thought the boy ran because he was making a quick getaway - actually it was because it was an extremely cold night and he was totally underdressed! When I saw the parked car, I was primed to see it as a get-a-way car of some kind and so that's what I saw. Jobina's initial fear spread to me. When I asked her if she was imaginging terrible things happening to me after I first left, she said yes. So many cognitive errors happened. I felt quite ashamed of myself afterwards, yet it is difficult to suspend my perception biases long enough to find out the truth.

Would you have come up with a different interpretation of events?

Ever Been Here?

I have. Or least it's felt like it. Am I terrible for being honest about it??

This art is from David Hayward at Naked Pastor a few days ago. Click on the image to enlarge it.

What Happens To A Foreclosed House?

The Power of Relationship

"It is the relationship that heals" - Irvin Yalom

I'm rereading one of my old counselling texts, Irvin Yalom's "Love's Executioner." Its a collection of short stories, case studies of Yalom's interaction with his clients. I really enjoy tales from therapy. Reading a famous counselor's recollections of notable real life therapy is not just highly entertaining but instructive as well. In other words I learn alot and am reminded about a lot. And it feels good to hear that even master therapists don't always know what they are doing!

Yalom is an existential therapist. Existential therapy focuses on helping people deal with meaning , loneliness, death anxiety, purpose, being, and freedom. This isn't my main focus of counselling, but nonetheless I was struck with love his emphasis on relationship. To Yalom there is no helping without relationship. Every part of the counselling process hinges on the ability of the counselor and client to be able to connect. How is this connection facilitated? By client and counselor being available to each other; honest, authentic, real, vulnerable, caring, etc. A client must feel accepted, supported, and valued. This gives the relationship what it must have - meaning. If it doesn't therapy will certainly fail. Brilliant interpretations, homework, solutions, etc are never the most important part of helping someone. The client must first have the foundation of a good relationship before anything else meaningful can happen. Once a person is in a strong relationship with someone, then (and only then) can they truly be helped (or just as likely heal themselves). In this way it is true as Yalom says "It is the relationship that heals."

The take-away for anyone not in the counseling field is that relationships are key to everything. Want to motivate someone? You need relationship. Want to confront them? Again relationship. Want to help them with their problems? You must have a connection with them - and they with you. So stop trying to just focus on fixing people's problems. Instead, why not focus on a strong relationship with that person?

Thanks for the reminder Professor Yalom.