Book Review: Codependent No More

Book Review: Codependent No More - How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

If you live with a spouse, partner, or family member who is addicted to something, there is a good chance that you have become codependent. Beattie defines a "codependent" as someone "who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. We believe that we'd be happy if the other person would just change." Codependency is the group of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that a person who is bound to an addict develops to try to change the other person. Codependents lose track of their own sense of self as they become lost in the world of the addict. They compensate for this by unleashing controlling behaviors on the person as a way of coping.

If you are person who feels stuck and unhappy in your relationship with an addict, this is the classic book on restoring yourself. Few people codependency as well as Beattie who is recovering successfully from a variety of addictive disorders and entanglements. In this classic work, she combines real-life stories with practical illustrations of the concepts that define every part of the codependent syndrome. I have offered this book to many clients (especially with spouses who are alcoholics) and it has been quite helpful for them. For myself, even though I don't consider myself codependent, there was definitely things that I was able to apply to myself as well. I rate it 4.2 ninja stars out of 5.

Playing By The Rules

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”
-Max Lucado

Conflict itself isn't bad. In fact, it's good and will help you grow. The trick is in how it's managed. One question that I almost always get around to asking couples in crisis is "What are your rules for conflict?" Almost 100% of such couples tell me they have none. If I ask healthier coupes what their conflict rules are, they will often have one or two. My conclusion; healthier couples have rules for conflict and the healthiest couples actually follow them. Rules for conflict tend exist to protect the relationship and keep anger in conflict from getting too high.

So . . . if you are in couple, what are your rules for conflict? Every couple is different and so every couple needs different rules. Three to five rules are enough. Spending half an hour coming up with a list is an excellent use of quality time with the person you love. Set some time aside at a time that both agree to and do the following:

1. Reflect for awhile on this question; "What are the top 1, 2, or 3 things that really hurt me/tick me off when we fight?" Almost everyone can come up with these things fairly easily. Some examples include:
-interrupting me
-swearing or cutting me down
-bring up things from the past that were already dealt with
-bringing up a new subject before dealing with the first one
-raising your voice (or using "that" tone)
-not giving me space when I ask for it/pursuing me when I need space

2. From these things you can find something to make into a specific rule. For instance:
-No interrupting (if someone does and it's pointed out, they have to apologize)
-No bring bringing up new subjects until the first one is finished.

3. After both people suggest a potential rule or two, they are discussed. Both people must agree to them or else they can't be part of the rules. Then, each member of the couple makes a commitment to the other person to honor these rules, no matter what. Two wrongs don't make a right and even if the other person is breaking all the rules, the other person needs to honor them. These rules have to be set in stone. They are not wishes, they are are rules to protect the relationship from harm.

4. Begin observing your rules. Be patient with each other as new habits (like observing rules during conflict) take time to become consistent. During this phase it is so important to not rebel against your partner if they slip up and break a rule. You must be committed to these rules no matter what. You can't control the other person - only yourself. If both people slip up, it's not the end of the world, they just need to debrief what happened and recommit themselves. If one or both people can't consistently honor their own rules, then sitting down with a counselor might be necessary.

Jobina and I had to sit down a few years into our marriage and come up with some rules. We didn't really know what we were doing and it took awhile, but now the rules hardly ever are brought up because they have become a natural part of lives. Of course we each have our slips every now and then but overall angry conflict is a much rarer occurrence. Combined with following the Policy of Joint agreement (see the link) rules for conflict really reduce arguements and shorten conflict - with better results. I'm curious to hear other people's experiences with rules for conflict and also to hear any good rule that you have heard of or use. Share the wealth!

Book Review: The Island of Doctor Moreau

Book Review: The Island of Doctor Moreau by H.G. Wells

I thought I would add a little more variety from my reading this week by going down to the local library and wandering aimlessly until I have found four random books that looked interesting. The first book I cracked open when I got home was this one from H.G. Wells. It is a strange tale, even for someone like Wells who is well known for some of his more well known fiction (War of the Worlds, The Invisible Man, etc.). The Island of Doctor Moreau is a difficult book to describe without giving away too much of the plot. It is the story of young naturalist named Edward Pendrick who through a series of unfortunate events becomes shipwrecked. Barely surviving his ordeal he finds himself on a dark and mysterious island, ruled by a cunning and demented genius known as Dr. Moreau. The entire time while reading the book, Wells hints at things not right and you are haunted by a feeling of eerie discomfort as the foreboding grows. Make no mistake, this is a disturbing novel. I finished reading it and felt like Wells had approached a line of horror, crossed over it, and then pulled back just enough to make you feel thoughtful and uneasy for the remainder of the book. Not sure if I'd read it again, but definitely an interesting mixture of survival, fantasy, and horror genres. Not for children, I rate it 3.4 ninja stars out of 5.

The Black Hole

“If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.”
-Dr. R. W. Shepherd

My church is doing a short series on the black hole of depression. An interesting choice of subjects I daresay! Since most people will have at least one period of short term minor depression and one in every 5 or 6 will experience a period of major depression over their lives, it seemed a good topic to speak about in church. Too often Christians who are struggling with depression don't get compassion from their fellow believers, they get this instead:

1. "You need more faith, what's wrong with you?"
2. "Why can't you just snap out of it?"

The stigma that goes with depression is hard enough to persevere through without Christians shooting their wounded in this way. I'm really proud of our church for presenting a seminar this coming Saturday on Depression and Mental Illness. It will focus on the why of depression, the challenges it brings, and what can be done about it. The presenter will be Dr. Mervin Van Der Spuy, one of my former professors at Providence Theological Seminary who is very knowledgeable about this topic. He has a specialization in psychopharmacology (the study of medicine/psychology to help those struggling with mental illness and problems in living). The seminar goes from 9am-12 noon at Cornerstone Alliance Church in Winnipeg and there will be time at the end for an extended Q and A session with our speaker. If you are looking for more information on how to help someone with depression/mental illness or perhaps you are wondering about assistance options for yourself, feel free to come check it out. Mervin is an expert on medication/drug options for helping with mental illness and is a fascinating speaker.

Book Review: I Will Teach You To Be Rich

Book Review: I Will Teach You To Be by Ramit Sethi

I purchased this book for a specific purpose. I am always looking for resources for premarital counselling. I usually reccomend "The Wealthy Barber" for young couples looking to master their finances as I find it easy to read and very helpful. But for some people, the Wealthy Barber is still too much information (as easy to read as it is). And so after poking around on Ramit Sethi's excellent blog, I took a chance and ordered this book to see if it could be an even easier resource for couples to read and implement. For the most part, this book was exactly what I hoped it would be.

The book's angle is that it is written for 20 somethings by a 20 something (an ego filled, very confident 20 something). It is not written for couples per se, but many of the values espoused by Sethi work for singles or couples. The book is structured into a six week action program to take control of your financial life and put you on the automatic track to retiring rich:

Week 1: Optimize Your Credit Card. Sethi teaches you what kind of credit cards to get, how many, how to negotiate with credit companies, how to get rid of charges from them, and especially how to get out of credit card debt
Week 2: Beat The Banks. The focus is on how to get the best deal on your banking, how to choose a good bank, how to set up chequing/savings accounts, and how to set up an online investing account. Sethi doesn't like many banks but loves credit unions.
Week 3: Get Ready To Invest. Since this is an American book he talks about setting up your 401(k) and Roth investment accounts (Canadians will substitute similar accounts such as RRSP's and TFSA's), and coming up with a plan to pay off debt. I like how he counters young people's objections for not investing.
Week 4: Conscious Spending. Track your spending, optimize your spending, create a conscious spending plan (instead of a budget), track your saving/spending/investing. For anyone struggling with budgeting, this chapter alone is worth the price of the book I'd say.
Week 5: Save While Sleeping. Integrate you automatic saving, automate your bill payments, etc.
Week 6: Investing Isn't Only For Rich People. Figure out your investing style, research your investments, start buying your investments (and set up automatic monthly payments of more).

There is a lot of great stuff in this book. Except for the American stuff that doesn't fit our Canadian context, it is all super practical. All of it. The book is all action. Sethi is an interesting author - his humor is corny and he crudely cuts down any idea he things is worthless (and yes, he does this often) but his reasons for doing it are presented so straightforwardly that it's difficult to disagree with (or fault him too much for it). If you are looking for a no-nonsense, all practical, specific advise system for managing your finances then this book deserves a look. What did I get out of it? First, his view of financial "experts" as being useless as fewer then 25% can even beat the market consistently and how you can use index funds is a complete revelation (and is backed by hard statistics). I also really liked his positive and simplified approach to budgeting (essentially his idea of budgeting is not really budgeting at all). Lastly, overall his book is super empowering - he makes it seem extremely simple for you to manage your own finances and doesn't pull punches about what he sees as "stupid" money management by many in his generation. I rate this book 4.4 ninja stars out of 5. If you are in your 20's and would like to borrow this book of me, I'd be happy to borrow it to you for a month so I can get other people's impressions before I use it extensively with others.

Book Review: People of The Deer

Book Review: People of The Deer by Farley Mowat

I didn't want to read this book but as I have this challenge going on right now . . . well, I picked it up. Apparently (not sure if this is true, but it's Mowat's first book. It's a book of one man's expedition and falling in love with the People of the deer, the inland eskimos who inhabit the barrens of the arctic. In many ways it is a tragedy. The inland Inuit of Canada's north in the mid/late-1940s suffered disease, starvation, and neglect by the rest of Canada. Mowat ends up finding and chronicling the fascinating people known as the Ilhamiut, or People of the Deer. Mowat tells a sad story of how an entire culture of people were set up to become dependent on white men -trading their spears and deer for guns and fox pelts- only to be abandoned when the money went (literally) south and they were left with neither the tools (ammunition) or knowledge (traditional deer hunting techniques) that they needed to fight off hunger and its attendant companion, disease. He eventually learns their language before going off on a long canoe trip to help a biologist peer find the caribou. Many crazy and unexplained things happen along the way, some which may make the hair on your neck stand up. Apparently this book was very helpful in bringing the plight of the Inuit to light for the general Canadian public. I most enjoyed the story of a culture that no longer exists. Mowat carefully shares both the good and bad points of it and you can't help but fall in love with them yourself. He gets almost a little too poetic at points (for my taste) but I enjoyed the book overall. I'd give it 4.1 ninja stars out of 5.

Real Accountability

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
-Proverbs 27:17

I am convinced that men crave and need accountability but very few ever truly experience it. Accountability (my definition) is choosing to be real with someone and inviting them to consistently ask you tough questions about where you are at in your life, holding you to the standard that you ask to be held at.

Notice that my definition puts the onus on the one wanting accountability. Accountability forced on someone doesn't work long term. Real accountability must be embraced for it to work. When I meet with couples in premarital counselling I will ask them where things are at in their physical relationship but when it comes to further accountability I offer it but don't demand it. It is a courageous path and it must be freely chosen. And when it is, it is a beautiful thing.

Someone shared with me recently about how they wanted to ask for deeper accountability from some friends but they were afraid. First, they were afraid to ask. It's hard to ask someone for such a big commitment of time, engergy, and potentially awkward questions. We naturally feel bad to put someone into that situation. Secondly, we are afraid to be truly real. If I ask someone to ask me the tough questions then I will actually have to answer them! I don't know about you but admitting doubt, impure thoughts/actions, sin, etc is not very fun. I want people to think well of me. Thirdly, accountability is tough because if someone asks us the tough questions and we answer honestly then we then feel the need to take action. Choosing to change something that we know is wrong can be incredibly difficult. Lastly, accountability takes time and hey, we have such busy lives, right?

Yet, if we really want to grow, if we really want to mature, if we really want to throw off sinful behaviors and replace them with Christ-like ones then choosing the way of accountability is where it is at. It is the road less travelled. Personally, I have only experienced consistent, chosen accountability for a few very short times in my life but wow, were they ever powerful! The iron of my soul was sharp. My prayer is that someday I am courageous and blessed enough to find it again. How about you?

Doing the Unexpected

Check out this super cool video: of a simple and brilliant play by the football team of Driscoll Middle School from Corpus Christi, TX:



There are almost always more then one way to solve a problem. Creativity is the ability to think of new solutions to riddles and problems and sometimes the best ones are the ones far outside the box. A few things that we can learn from the above video:

-Sometimes the opposite of what we think will work will work.
-Working harder is not always the solution, but doing something different is.
-To try something different means taking a risk.
-Sometimes the solution is not in something complex , but simple.

Whether it is following God, improving a relationship, investing in your future, working a job, or anything else, doing something different then what is expected, popular, or the norm may be your wisest course of action. What's the worst that could happen if it doesn't work? May we all be courageous enough to try the unexpected today.