Friday, March 23, 2007

The Soul of Romance

Can there be romance without sexual attraction? The reason I ask is that in the past year I’ve talked to several people who told me that they were in love with someone but didn’t feel very physically attracted to them. They all asked the same thing; is that OK? My response was “possibly.” After all, we are sexual creatures and if one doesn’t have any desire for one’s mate, serious problems can occur. My personal theory is that sexual attraction is the foundation (or soul) of romance. So here’s what I’m thinking:

Love can exist (and flourish) without romance.
Romance cannot exist without sexual attraction.

Now I have to admit that when I’ve shared these thoughts people don’t always like them. It sounds a little, well, . . . unromantic. After all, sexual attractions seems like such a crude motive. I sometimes ask people what is is that they like about their fiancee and they tell me things like personality, character traits, abilities, etc. but if attraction is mentioned it’s said almost guiltily - “and of course I’m attracted to her/him.” But here’s a question for you married people out there; would you have gotten married if sex wasn’t involved? Would you pursue someone romantically if there was not the possibility of “something more?” I'm curious to hear what others think on the subject.

May Light increase!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay, so I'm not married, but I'm going to dare respond that many women would marry even if sex wasn't involved. So many of the women - married or not - that I have spoken with have shared that they are looking for someone to share their life with, someone to care for and someone who will care for them. Now maybe you and I define romance differently, but I find simple acts of caring very romantic. I'm not saying that sexual attraction isn't important, but I think romance can lead to sexual attraction and that in turn can lead to more romance. I'm not really asking the "which comes first, the chicken or the egg?" question. I just think either romance or sexual attraction can be the starting point and that these two things work cyclicly to keep going. But then again, that's just the opinion of a single girl! I'm curious to hear what both the married men and women have to say.
-Kayely

Anonymous said...

I think this would depend on your definition of romance. To me, romance is doing something you know your partner would appreciate, such as, pulling the covers back for them in preparation for sleep, or making dinner, or buying them something you know they would never buy themselves. It's doing something just because you know they would like it - not expecting anything in return. That is real romance to me. Candles and flowers and other assorted things are great, but it's the effort that really matters.

Anonymous said...

oops, forgot to write my name! Sorry Mark, the annonymous letter is from me :)

Michele

Mark said...

Kayely and Michelle: thanks for your input. Would women really marry if sex wasn't involved? That is the question I suppose. I know that very few men would. Here's a question; since women seem in many ways to be more sensitive, more empathetic, more caring then men in many instances, why do they have this desire to be with men? To be romanced, to be wooed, these are important things to a woman. I would guess that is based on physical attraction; just maybe not always on a conscious level. Here's the thing, I agree that many women like yourself find the little things very important (like acts of caring). You are totally right on that. But couldn't they get that from a womanly friendship? Why then is it more special with the opposite sex? I think that physical attraction and romance do feed into each other like you noted but perhaps they are even more closely linked. Perhaps the desire for caring acts that are so special are simply a manifestation of sexual attraction. After all, sexual attraction is not purely physical, but emotional, social, and spiritual as well. What do you think?
-Mark

Anonymous said...

You are right, Mark in saying that you can get a lot of those things from women. You are also right in saying that sexual attraction is not purely physical. Do I think that women would marry without sexual attraction - yes! I've seen it done. The "why" of it all varies from person to person. The woman I know that did that said that she loved her husband and thought he was very romantic, but had no sexual attraction for him whatsoever. Lucky for her that this didn't seem to bother her husband. They were together 30 years before he passed away and were very happy together. He wooed her alright...she said that it was the attention that she needed in her life. That doesn't mean that she found him to be repulsive, she just didn't see him "that" way. Can couples woo eachother without sexual attraction? I think so. I think it's the feeling of being loved by someone that women crave - not necessarily for someone to be "attracted" to them. This could be the ramblings of a very tired sister in law, but those are the thoughts I have.

Later!

Michele

Mark said...

Michelle: I like the story. It still seems to me that if they were attracted to each other romantically there was still a sexual element to that, even if it didn't express itself in conscious desire. Now I don't know this couple of course, but I do know that there are some very successful couples who have very little sex or sexual desire. And yet, they seem to live wonderfully romantic lives. I wonder if this is more of a case of both people having extremely low sex drives. According to this theory (which I am making up now as I type!), they would appear as lack ing in sexual attraction but could still appear very romantic. In other words, if sexual attraction is made up of several factors, they would be low in one (sexual desire) but high in others (like caring). But overall, they would still be romantic. Not sure if this is accurate or not, but I throw it out there. Thanks again for the "ramblings" (not), keep up the great thoughts,
-Mark

Anonymous said...

Hey Mark!

What you're saying makes sense. I never thought of it that way, but you are quite right that sexual attraction has a caring element to it. I guess when I think of sexual attraction, I tend to think of raw desire for a person - not other elements involved.

Great chatting with you!

Michele