Best Girl/Boy In Sight: Part 2

(I'm a little worried that some of this may come out wrong, but I'm going to try anyway . . .)

Balancing our natural inclination to look for the best looking girl/guy in the room with our need to control it can be tricky. If you go too far towards “accepting” BGIS then you run the risk of embracing it and harming yourself and others. As an example, I have met people who tell me “Oh yeah, I tell my wife all the time when I’ve met and am attracted to other women. It’s natural!” Rarely does this have great effects on a spouse, especially if they are insecure! If need to mention this to your mate (and others!) or feel it's your "right," it’s probably a sign that BGIS is problematic for you.

If you go to the other extreme and go too far in “over controlling it” you may be attempting to repress natural drives and pile guilt on self/others. Think about it, if you try to deaden yourself to beauty in/attraction with others, it might begin to deaden your ability to be attracted to the person you want to be attracted to. A second problem with "over controlling" BGIS is that in attempting to over control it you may be guilty of punishing behavior, either inflicted on self or others. "You think she's beautiful, don't you?" The woman mistakenly believes that her man should not find attractive women, well . . . attractive. Somehow he should be a great judge of beauty when it comes to her, but be blind when it comes to other women! This is totally irrational. Such a guy is put in a double bind. If he says "yes, she is beautiful," the woman gets upset. If he says "No dear, she's not" he is a liar . What's worse? When a person (male or female) often makes these kind of comments, BGIS is a problem for them.

So what does balance look like? It's tricky. Personally (and this is just for me), this is my approach. I try not to check out women, but if I do notice someone is beautiful, I note it to myself and move on. And if I’m in a situation where I’m tempted to linger over someone's beauty (yes, this is reality) then it is my responsibility to exit the situation. I almost never mention noticing other women's beauty to others, but I also won't lie if someone asks me directly about it. I just won't dwell on it. Lastly, (and I want to do much better at this), I'm trying to express my attraction to my wife to her and let her know how beautiful I think she is. Many times throughout the day I will find her striking but often don't verbalize it. I should! The way she looks, moves, smells, and sounds captivates me and she ought to know about it. Partners should know when, where, why, and how other person is attracted to them. It's good for both parties.

The application here for counselors is to look for signs of BGIS and help clients to dispute and change their irrational thinking/behaviors about it. For teens and young adults, being aware of BGIS and your ability to control it (not over control it) is huge. Also, stay away from potential mates who exhibit this kind of thinking and make no progress in changing it. The chances they will eventually break things off with you are huge!

I should also note that just because you are dating/engaged and you are thinking that maybe you should get out of the relationship does not necessarily mean you are giving in to BGIS. It could mean that you are realizing that the person you are with is not right for you, has too many problems, or that maybe you aren’t ready for commitment. Self-awareness is the key here. Are you breaking it off because of something important that is lacking in the other person or are you breaking it off because it off because you are enamoured with someone else’s good looks? Only you can know for sure. If you are confused though, talk it out with someone who is wise. You’ll figure it out.

Anyway, that's the theory and my thoughts on it. I'm curious about what others think.

May Light increase!