(Yawn)

I’ve decided that I’m going to push through and attempt to graduate in the spring. To do this I’m going to have to work very, very hard. The thought of all this hard work makes me very . . . sad. I’ll tell you why. Partially it is because much of the work I’ll be doing I don’t enjoy. For instance, I ABSOLUTELY HATE doing papers. Also, some courses I’m taking not because I want to but because they are required (and I have foolishly left them til the end). This does not make me happy. Complicating this is that I am suffering one of the worst bouts of procrastination that I’ve ever had. Seriously, feel free to pray for me.

I think alot. I was once filling out out this survey and one of the questions was about how often I think about “deep issues” about life and existence: never, occasionally, sometimes, or often. I think about these topics many times a day! Lately I’ve been thinking about how much I’ve sacrificed to get this degree I’m working on done. Is it worth it? I’ve sacrificed:

1. My body. Seriously, I am in the worst shape of my life. I have aged like 8 years in 3. Not good.

2. My friendships. It’s hard to put time into relationships when you’ve only got 1 or 2 nights a week free . . . luckily this has recently gotten better as I’ve dropped my work hours substantially.

3. My pride. I was the leader of two large ministry teams (a camp and a youth ministry). Now? I’m a student and a waiter. This was deeply and profoundly humbling.

4. Family/romantic time. I hate having to tell my kids or my wife that I can’t hang out with them because I have to go to work or do a paper. I really hate that.

5. My passions. The outdoors, relationship coaching, mentoring. All of these passions of mine are still there, but seem like a distant memory as I have almost no time to devote to them.

6. My material posesions. We haven’t really had enough time, energy, and especially money to maintain what we’ve got and it’s starting to show. Our house and cars need serious work!

7. My relationship with God. For me, when I’m tired (my usual experience these days) it’s hard to connect with God. Also, my heart is crying out for a few days alone with him, but I don’t know when I can find the time to get away.

If I could do it all again, would I do it the same way? No! Of course not, I have learned. I would stretch my three year degree over 4 or 5 years. Ironically, the degree that I’m working so hard for will probably not be last learning I undergo as the degree is somewhat lacking in the main area I wanted training in; working with couples. But don’t feel sorry for me, I have chosen my fate. But it doesn’t mean I can’t learn from my experience though! The past few years have been both tough and great at the same time. I look forward to graduating. People keep asking me what I’m going to do afterwards. I have no idea, but I think it will start with some rest.

May Light increase!