Love and Helplessness

Our little girl Trinity is sick. Last night she coughed for much of the night and it was my turn to get up with her when she called out. For any of you who are parents out there, seeing your child ill and not being able to do anything about it has to be one of the most heart-wrenching things in the world. You feel so helpless and frantic to help them and yet . . . there is almost nothing you can do. You can try to give them medication, encourage them, pray for them, cry . . . but mostly you just feel ineffective. Last night was really tough because whenever Trinity would cough (this intense, harsh, grating cough) I would wake up and feel my heart breaking for her. Then I would think of how my friends Ray and Martha must have felt as their daughter Renee slowly fell victim to leukemia. Actually I tried to imagine it, but I couldn't. Mostly because I have never had to face such a thing but also because I wouldn't let myself fully imagine it. Too painful to seriously consider. Their pain at watching their little girl . . . well, it must have been off the charts. I know one thing; it feels like a father's job to protect his child from all harm. But sometimes there is nothing we can do - and it's devastating. You'd do anything to help them get better - but it's not in your hands. And so you sit there. Useless and hurting.

In Trinity's case, the illness will just have to run it's course, Ray and Martha were not so fortunate. I wonder what God the Father must have felt as he watched his Son slowly die on the cross? In the Father's case, he could have done something, but he chose not to. For the greater good. He was not helpless. Again, I could not imagine what it was like. God the Father is a spiritual being and I know he doesn't have a body, but I wonder if you can have a spiritual lump in your throat. Or a spiritual sick feeling in your stomach. What does anguish feel like for the creator of the universe?

Tonight, I'm sleeping the basement so I can hopefully get some sleep. I can still hear her, but at least it's not so loud. Renee was buried today and I am praying for some sleep and peace for the Dueck's this week. Please pray for them as well.