Locked Out

As a former youth pastor and now a counselor I have been amazed at the number of people who tell me that they have certain people who they don't speak to. Usually it's a family member, maybe a parent, sibling, or uncle: "Oh, we're not on speaking terms." Or maybe you'd head this one before - "Oh them? I haven't talked to them in years."

As a counselor I'm in a bad position to advise anyone on the rightness or wrongness of this decision because I only hear one side of the story. That being said from my limited expereince, are at least two reasons why people shun a family member, friend, or colleague.

1. They are angry over a slight of some kind and their disconnection is to make a point, something like "Here's what happens when you do that" or "Take that!"
2. They have been repeatedly hurt by that person and have disconnected from them to protect themselves from further harm. They are trying to protect their boundaries.

For a lot of people simple things like grads, weddings, reunions, and even Christmas are terribly difficult because they have chosen not to be in contact with a certain family member (or someone has chosen to not allow themselves to be in contact with you). I suggest that no one should make this kind of decision in a reactionary way. Because this will cause you lots of pain and disrupt your life (and the other person's) it is best undertaken only after much thought, prayer, and counsel with others.

Some questions to ask yourself if you think you are seriously considering shutting the door (disconnecting, not communicating) on some relationship:
1. What are the benefits of not communicating with this person vs. staying connected?
2. How will this affect myself, my family, others?
3. Am I just making this decision out of anger?
4. Have I bounced this off of a few people who's wisdom and insight I trust?
5. Is this decision in line with the second greatest commandment; to love others as I love myself? Is this a decision I would make, even if I have fully forgiven the other person?
6. Have I given honest specific feedback to the person and clearly communicated why their behavior has hurt me? Have I told them specifically what needs to change, when it needs to change, and what the consequences will be if they don't?

One thing about long term disconnecting yourself from someone's life - it will be challenged! And you are effectively killing the chances of future reconciliation (at least as long as you keep it up). If you decide to go this route you should regularly revisit and reevaluate the decision. Once a person shuts someone else out it's easy to just stick with the decision and not to choose hope and test the waters of relationship again - this is a trap, don't fall into it! Oh, and if you as a person have several people who you don't talk to there is a good chance the problem is not with all those other people, but with you!

May Light increase!