Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Why Do You Let It Stick To You?

Yesterday in the kitchen at Olive Garden, someone made some snarky comment to me (and a joke) which was at my expense. Linda, one of the servers saw and said to me "Poor Mark, always taking people's crap! How do you handle it so well?" I thought for a moment and then said to her "Maybe it's because I don't believe that people's crap has to stick to me."

It was kind of said off the cuff, but as I thought about it later I thought that it's probably the coolest thing I said all day. Why do we get so mad when people are rude or disrespectful to us? Maybe it's because we believe that it's so important what they think, say, or do. But is it? People don't make us mad, we make us mad. Every time I get angry with someone, it's because I'm allowing them to do so. I'm choosing to believe something that is mostly unhelpful. Solomon says “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14:29, ESV). Slow to anger people aren't magic, they simply believe different things about everyday annoyances and stresses then angry people do. They don't let the crap stick to them.

For instance when a "quick to anger" waiter experiences rudeness at a table, they might think something like:
1. I don't deserve this!
2. This person is rude/ignorant/bad.
3. They shouldn't be like that.
4. I must not let them get away with that!
5. I can't stand it! This guest is rude!
6. Getting angry will help me feel better about myself.

When people are ignorant to a "slow to anger" server they think things like:

1. It's too bad they are being rude but it's not the end of the world.
2. These things happen. Sometimes your guest are good, sometimes they act rude.
3. Maybe they are having a bad day - I don't know that they are going through.
4. I shouldn't be treated like this, but it won't kill me either.
5. I can stand it. It's just a guest being rude.
6. Getting angry won't do me any good. What can I do instead?

If you are quick to anger, the trick to beating it is to change your thinking (which is way easier then trying to change your emotions!). And the first step is to realize how anger doesn't help you. I'm not a Buddhist but I do like this quote attributed to the founder:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

May Light increase!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good advice. Have you ever read the book "Telling Yourself the Truth"? It's about not letting others or situations control your feelings. good stuff.

Moxymama said...

Great post. I couldn't have read this at a better time!

Nancy said...

I used to work with someone who would tell us "don't let someone who bothered you live inside your head with you".
I try to let mean things roll off of me.

Stacey said...

Yes that is a cool thing you said :)

This also holds true for those of us who don’t necessarily respond with anger but rather hurt feelings. I’m a sensitive kind of girl and I can let rudeness and words swim around in my head for way too long. What a waste of time. It’s better to let it bounce off then give it so much energy. I’m not saying I don’t get angry but I’m more of a slow to anger type… generally speaking if I do get angry it rarely has anything to do with one person’s rude comment but rather a culmination of things (bad day coupled with other issues add person’s rude remark sometimes gets me to blow). Sometimes you have to look back at yourself and figure out where this is really coming from. And then you learn. Hey we're all just works in progress.