Friday, September 14, 2007

Chuckie Baby

I'm betraying my age here, but the topic of my post today is Chuck Norris. Ever heard of him? Before there was Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel, etc, there was Chuck Norris. Back before Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, and even Arnold Schwarzenegger . . . Chuck Norris was. He is one of the greatest movie action heroes ever, a master of Karate whose steely eyed stares that could take down any enemy foolish enough to get in his way.

I remember first becoming acquainted with Chuck Norris through my Aunt Gai. This usually mild mannered and saintly woman confessed to me one day that she was "part of a group." What kind of group? A group of women who met weekly to watch "Chuckie Baby" (as they called him) movies and then discuss his awesomeness. What kind of man could inspire such devotion?

It turns out that Chuck Norris is now a Christian and a pretty nice guy. He's also the subject of some great jokes called the Chuck Norris Facts which have become a cultural phenomenon. Most are pretty funny, though some are crude. Check them out here. If you are too lazy to click for the link, here's a few that Chuck himself likes:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.


Jay Boaz said...

I don't think you're necessarily betraying age here Mark; I heard a fair amount of Chuck Norris "Facts" this summer at camp from the campers.


Mark said...

That's interesting since I'm sure most of them have never actually seen him in action before. Good to see they are learning some culture though! Some of my new favorites:

-If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

-After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

-There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

-Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Jay Boaz said...

I think my personal favourite is "Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head."

By the way, your link to the Chuck Norris facts takes you to some auto-insurance (or something like that) website.


Mark said...

Oops, sorry, I corrected the link. Here's one more:

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Lindsey Dueck said...

These are too funny, I better not tell them to Eric though, cause he will replace Chuck's name with Eric Dueck. LOL. I can't even pick a favorite, there are too many.

Rod said...

This is great! I thought they were originally made up by friends of Paddy Humeny, who is a pretty crazy dude in his own right and manages the Portage Ave. Olympia Cycle store.