I was thinking today about how some of the most saintly men often treat their family like garbage. Seriously, to others they are saints but their family knows the truth. I think of people like Gandhi who in many ways treated his wife worse then his political opponents (by his own admission) or Martin Luther King who cheated on his wife repeatedly. Men and women can be so cruel to their spouse, their parents, and their children - all while saving the world. It's frightening actually. For some reason it seems that we can be ruder, angrier, more abusive, and more cruel to those who are closest to us, the very ones we hold to be the most dear. As I get further into people's lives with counseling, I'm seeing it more and more. If it grieves me, it certainly must grieve God.
At least most people. I know that I easily fall into it. I will sometimes give my best time and energy to outside things and neglect my own family. I will show near-Job-like levels of patience and empathy with my clients or ministry team but be grouchy and snap at my wife. Sometimes I can tell my kids need my attention and I brush them off - something I would rarely do with a co-worker. This makes me sad and duly ashamed. I don't accept that somehow I am a different person at home. I am choosing my behavior (like everyone) and sometimes I choose to treat my family really bad.
Why does this happen? One of my theories is that families, in their predisposition for love, loyalty, peacefulness, and grace let a family's members ignorant behavior "go." It is not addressed, challenged, or responded to. The ignorant acting family member gets a subtle message that his /her behavior is OK and they keep on doing it. They don't receive enough of a reaction to stop them from doing it again. And again. . .
The "cure" it seems (according to my theory which I just thought of 5 minutes ago) would be a gracious, yet assertive response. Immediate and appropriate feedback. Something that says, "I love you, but I won't let you treat me/us this way. You need to know this hurts us/me and is unacceptable and if you choose to do it again, there will be consequences." This (I think) would nip a lot of ignorant behavior in the bud. Whether it is rudeness, anger, moodiness, bullying, silent treatment, nagging, striking, additions, unfaithfulness, guilt-tripping, etc., the other family member(s) must not enable the ignorant person's behavior by just letting it go and hoping it will not happen again. Of course, what is "ignorant behavior" is not always black and white, but I think this concept is still useful. I wonder what others think about this.
May Light increase!
Testing
3 weeks ago
7 comments:
There was a theory going around a few years back (especially in churches) that the reason men act like jerks is because they cannot handle success. So unconsciously men go into the world and prove that no matter how successful they seem to think they are they will prove that they are failures to self and family. This thought process is enacted in affairs, drugs, porn, illegal activities and whatever else they may find. Once they are found out the self-fulfilling prophecy is complete. They may lose everything or get away with it. If they lose everything they are proven right. If men get away with it they will continue until they are proven right. For some, the good that they do historically (Ghandi, MLKJ) overshadows the bad and we are left revering them, much to their confusion.
As far as the "cure" is concerned, it looks good on paper but implementing it is another matter. Here Endth The Lesson. TP
In response to TP, I would have to say that this is not limited to men. I can think of many times in my life where I have failed my family but done the right thing for friends and coworkers...even perfect strangers. Women are just as imperfect as men and we can have the same temptations and failures as men. We are capable of cheating, using pornography, drugs and illegal activities. I can confess to doing all those things. The fault does not lie in men but in mankind. All of us can use Mark's lesson and work harder at treating those we love better.
Thanks for your authenticity Michelle, I agree with you completely. Hey Terry,interesting theory, thanks for enlightening me! I don't quite agree with it, mostly for the reason that I don't think people have a problem handling success, it seems to me that the problem is that success is always an illusion. Everyone knows that what they present to the world is a facade and that success most often comes through being lucky. We wish it were otherwise, but it's true.
I do like the part about their confusion with being revered; it seems that we must revere someone, it is in our nature and I think though that when it does happen it is both what we've always wanted and yet completely unnerving. Who wants to be thought of as above everyone? One some levels, yes, but it's hard to share equally in life and have fellowship with someone who you think of as above you.
God must shake his head when he sees us revering men and women who are really not much better (or worse) then everyone else. I agree with Michelle, women are just as bed as men when it comes to treating their families like garbage. How does the success-problem theory work with women; the same way or different?
Terry, your last point was the one I enjoyed your last point the most. Giving/receiving authentic feedback is a subject about which I am keenly interested and yet have experienced only too briefly in my life (all of those times were in a tight knit camp community where everyone was taught and trained in giving feedback). It is indeed difficult, but I dream about churches, marriages, and families where people speak the truth in love to each other. It makes me excited!! Thanks again for the great comments people!
P.S. Terry, I think you should start a blog. You could call it "So Endeth The Lesson." What do you think?
As far as snapping, being grouchy, and sloughing off with family--you touched on what I think is a (warped) "comfort level" with family. We get lazy with our loved ones. It's sad, it's wrong--but it's another area where we so easily get complacent and take them for granted and expect their "uncondtional love" to overlook poor and bad behaviour on our parts.
I think part of the getting snippy at home may also be partially attributed to the fact you spend the most time with your family (hopefully!). You see them the most, which means that you're comfortable, but it also means that if you do happen to "snap", odds are it's going to be at home. And unlike someone at work who may be bothering you, you can't just escape at the end of the day. It's much easier to have your buttons pushes, even accidentally (even something like a bad habit your kids have picked up innocently) at home.
I don't think I'm quite illustrating my point correctly; in this case verbally would be easier!
Does this make any sense?
Jay
for some guys who treat their family like garbage at home and treat their coworkers or friends like anything nice is because when they're at work or out with their friends there are lots of other people around and if they treat their friends or coworkers like trash they would get into some serious s***. so when they get home they think they can treat their family like garbage because they think no one is watching so they won't get into trouble. but what they don't realize is that God is always watching them and when they pass on to the next life and go before God, he will punish them for the trouble they caused when they were alive.
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