Today at work I heard two stories. One was encouraging, the other saddened me.
First I was talking with a waitress and asked her how her Christmas had gone. "Good," she said, she got a new hair style, new clothes, and she dumped her long time boyfriend. When I expressed my condolences she said it was OK. When I asked her why she broke up with him she said that basically he 1. had no ambition to do anything in life, 2. was always negative, and 3. he did "too many" drugs. This waitress is going to school to be a nurse and I never understood why she was going out with this cook who was crude, a substance abuser, and basically just a mean guy. She said that she broke up with him because she had to do it for her. He's told her that he will change for her (which of course he doesn't) and is imploring her to give him another chance. She told him that he needs to get off the drugs and change his life for himself, not for her. It seemed to me that she took a courageous step and will look back at breaking up with this guy as one of the best things she chose to do while in school. Good for her!
As I was reflecting on this, I found out that one of our bussers, a girl who is a hard working innocent teenager just started going out with one of the cooks. I don't know him as well, but I do know that he too is into drugs. I don't want to judge him, but immediately I was sad for this girl. I'm worried that she is making a mistake. Why are women attracted to the "bad guy" persona? I have seen this too many times where I work; a fairly innocent girl with the whole world ahead of her gets attracted to by a bad guy who leads her into all sorts of trouble, introduces her to more bad people and bad habits, treats her badly, then breaks her heart.
I wish I (or someone more knowledgeable) would do a seminar called "How to choose a good partner/not choose a bad partner." Maybe I should write a book! Watching a good girl (or guy) self destruct when they pair up with someone who is not good for them is soooo difficult to watch.
I'm convinced that too often when we are in love, we believe that our love can change the other person, make them better. The truth is that only that person can change themselves and it is rare for major change to happen. If we are honest enough with ourselves, we see sometimes that the object of our affection has some serious issues. To cope with this, we ignore them and reason with ourselves that we/time/God/etc. will change them so that we can be together and things will be good. Instead of choosing not pursue the person or waiting to see if the person will change, we assume and believe that somehow they will and then we're devastated when they don't. Ironic, isn't it?
May Light increase!
Testing
3 weeks ago
6 comments:
You just described my first marriage! Even before that, I went for the "bad boys". I don't know if I just found them more exciting or what. I was also of the mind that I/God/time would change them. You're right in saying that only that person can change, no one can make them change. Hopefully that girl will figure that out and make the right decision for her. As for the waitress - good for her!!
Michele
I know the answer to why probably 90% of "good" girls go for the "bad guy". It's all about themselves. The evil "low self-esteem" strikes hard here. If the "bad guy" changes for them, that would really prove they are special right? They are SO SPECIAL that someone completely changed their life around JUST FOR THEM.
Sad, but I think true in most cases.
I meant to add at the end that if the bad guy changes just for them (or merely the thought of it) that it would feed their low self-esteem. Girls get so obsessed by this that they will stay in bad relationships for years--even marry the guy... and the "hope" that they are enough for the change just continues to grow.
Stacey: I'm curious about your low self-esteem theory. To my mind, if a girl has low self-esteem, wouldn't it be a boost to their self-esteem to be with a "good" guy? One that cares for them and doesn't try to drag them down?
It's much easier for the bad to corrupt the good than vice versa, and usually the "bad boy" drags down the "good girl".
I fully admit that the flaw in my argument is I'm trying to apply logical deduction to an emotional issue. The whole "bad boy" thing is something I've tried to make sense of before and I've never been able to; the self-esteem angle is something I hadn't considered before. I would assume that in addition to the self-esteem angle there could be some rebellion issues as well perhaps.
Jay
Stacey: I'm curious about your low self-esteem theory. To my mind, if a girl has low self-esteem, wouldn't it be a boost to their self-esteem to be with a "good" guy? One that cares for them and doesn't try to drag them down?
It's much easier for the bad to corrupt the good than vice versa, and usually the "bad boy" drags down the "good girl".
I fully admit that the flaw in my argument is I'm trying to apply logical deduction to an emotional issue. The whole "bad boy" thing is something I've tried to make sense of before and I've never been able to; the self-esteem angle is something I hadn't considered before. I would assume that in addition to the self-esteem angle there could be some rebellion issues as well perhaps.
Jay
Jay: yes you are completely correct. And that is the way it should be if girls/women thought logically through their low self-esteem issues.
Usually the "bad" does drag down the "good". But that's not what girls are thinking about. They are thinking, "I'm going to be THE one! THE one to change all of that and he will change for ME".
It's a crazy theory as we all know we can't control change in others.
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